Have you ever been called a bitch? A creep? A whore? Have you received criticism that felt unfair or dismissive? Maybe someone’s words made you feel belittled or unappreciated. Language has the power to shape our experiences, and words become weapons when used to wound.
Consider the power of hearing your name spoken aloud. It instantly grabs your attention, pulling you into the present moment. You’re most likely going to respond or at least pause in what you’re doing.
Words are impactful, not only for the person being labeled, but for an entire group of people. They contribute to stigma while fueling biases. They can divide humanity. Retard. White trash. Crazy. Junkie. N*****. Slut. Spic.
Why Language Matters: 4 Words/Phrases to Stop Saying
If you side against ignorance and want to end the stigma associated with mental illness, change your language. The following words or phrases contribute to stigma:
“Addict”
There are many negative connotations surrounding this word. Similarly, “alcoholic” can be demeaning. A person who is addicted to drugs or alcohol has a medical condition. Instead of calling them an addict (or junkie or tweaker or crackhead), say “person with a substance use disorder.” Demonstrate the same empathy you would for a person who has cancer or MS or paralysis.
Don’t label a person who suffers from mental illness. They are more than the disorder they’re afflicted with. Calling someone “schizophrenic” or “borderline” or “bipolar” reduces them to an illness, not a person. It’s dehumanizing.
“Retarded”
True, “mental retardation” used to be the diagnostic terminology for classifying individuals with lower IQs. Today, however, it’s mostly used as an insult. The American Psychiatric Association has eliminated the term as a classification; the correct term is “intellectual disability.”
This phrase suggests that the person who dies by suicide is criminal. Criminals commit crimes. An individual who dies by suicide should not be placed in the same category. Instead, say “died by suicide.” This demonstrates respect for both the individual and their loved ones.
Language has the power to influence and shape the world. You have power. Be a positive influence and choose to fight stigma instead of contributing to the toxicity.
This article is inspired, in part, by an ignorant (not ill-intended) meme posted by a healthcare worker on social media.
The meme said,
“So if a kid has an allergic reaction the parents have to pay a ridiculous price for an Epi pen. But a junkie who has OD’d for their 15th time gets Narcan for free? What a screwed up world we live in.”
Implication: A “junkie” doesn’t deserve a second chance at life. (#JunkieLivesDontMatter) They’re a waste of resources because they lack the willpower to stop using. A person with a substance use disorder is choosing that life. Why interfere? (Especially when all that money could be spent saving more deserving lives.)
If you believe it is screwed up for a “junkie” to have a chance at life (and recovery) because they “chose addiction,” your opinion is contrary to the National Institute of Health, the American Medical Association, the American Psychiatric Association, and decades of scientific research. You’re also a part of the movement: #JunkieLivesDontMatter
Many have joined the movement, as evidenced by the following social media posts:
“Out of all of the houses, 2 hobos decided to overdose on my front steps… thank god the medics got here in time to ensure they could die another day…”
“I think we had less ODs before Narcan came on board. They realize they can be saved if gotten to in time. Maybe they need to be locked up & not let out until they attend rehab while in jail.”
“If it can be easily established that they have a recent history of drug [abuse]… then yes… withhold the lifesaving drug because they chose this. It’s harsh, but justice is not served by saving them.”
“If you don’t have it figured [out] by the 3rd overdose, you are just prolonging the inevitable and wasting tax payers money.”
“If we are repeatedly saving your life and you are not willing to change this behavior, why should we be obligated to keep saving you?”
“My personal opinion is we can’t keep letting people overdose and saving them just so they can repeat the cycle.”
“By continuously administering Narcan, sure, we’re saving their life, but are they really living? I don’t think so.”
Addiction is a scientifically-proven brain disease. Despite this, many persist in the belief that it’s a choice, or worse… a moral failing.
The notion comes from an early model of addiction, “the moral model,” which was deeply rooted in religion. Addiction was attributed to a sinful nature and weakness of character. Therefore, the addict must repent… or suffer the consequences of his/her actions; addiction warranted punishment, not empathy. Unsurprisingly, this created stigma. It also prevented those struggling with addiction from seeking treatment.
Centuries later, many hold on to the view that an individual suffering from a substance use disorder is lazy or weak… or a worthless junkie.
Today, in the midst of the opioid epidemic, stigma’s unrelenting grip perseveres. Stigma is a poison; it’s dehumanizing. It’s easy to forget a person is a person when you view them as garbage, trash… a “junkie.” Stigma tells us, “Take out the trash.” #JunkieLivesDontMatter
To fully recognize stigma’s impact, compare addiction to other diseases. Consider common medical emergencies; many are related to lifestyle. Imagine being hospitalized after your third stroke, and the doctor telling you, “This is the third time I’ve saved your life, yet you refuse to exercise. I shouldn’t be obligated to continue to provide life-saving care.” Or, imagine a long-time smoker who develops lung cancer; they’re not demeaned, called names, or denied treatment.
Moreover, an EMS worker wouldn’t withhold CPR from an individual in cardiac arrest if they were obese. It’s not a debate.
(Updated 11/1/20) Creating Mind Remake Project opened my eyes to a whole world of blogs. There are tons of informative and thought-provoking mental health blogs out there on mental health and related topics.
6. David’s Blog | A pharmacology and mental health blog by Dr. David Healy, psychiatrist, psychopharmacologist, scientist, and author
7. David Susman, Ph.D. | A blog with resources and inspiration for better mental health by Dr. Susman, clinical psychologist, mental health advocate, professor
8. Dr. Melissa Welby | A blog about psychiatry and wellbeing by Harvard-trained psychiatrist, Dr. Welby
9. Dr. Sarah Ravin | A professional blog about psychological issues and evidence-based treatments by Dr. Ravin, a licensed psychologist
10. Everything Matters: Beyond Meds | An award-winning mental health blog on topics related to psychotropics and mental illness by Monica Cassani, ex-patient and mental health professional
11. Gardening Love | A unique wellness, ecotherapy, and lifestyle blog about enhancing mental health through gardening
21. Psych Central Network Blogs | A list of mental health blogs by experts, professionals, and ordinary people who share their insights on a variety of mental health topics
22. Psychology Today Blogs | A large collection of blogs on psychology-related topics, including creativity, intelligence, memory, parenting, and more
23. SAMHSA Blog | “A place where up-to-date information including articles from SAMHSA staff, announcements of new programs, links to reports, grant opportunities, and ways to connect to other resources are located”
24. A Splintered Mind | A blog by Douglas Scootey about “overcoming ADHD and depression with lots of humor and attitude”
Janaburson’s Blog | A blog created to help people better understand the medication-assisted treatment of opioid addiction using either buprenorphine (Suboxone) or methadone from a physician, board-certified in Internal Medicine and Addiction Medicine
Pete Earley | Advocacy blog for mental health reform
Your Brain Health | A blog about topics related to mental health and neurology by Dr. Sarah McKay, a neuroscientist
Know of any great mental health blogs not listed? Post in a comment!
When it comes to someone else’s alcohol or drug use, how can you tell the difference between helping and enabling, and how can you help a loved one with addiction?
In my work at a residential treatment center, I’ve worked with family members who inadvertently fueled their loved one’s addiction. They “helped” by bailing them out of jail, giving them money, etc., which only enabled the individual to continue to get high. It’s hard for family members to differentiate between behaviors that help versus enable.
If you’re unfamiliar with the term “enable,” it means “to provide with the means or opportunity” or “to make possible, practical, or easy” (according to Merriam-Webster). When applied to substance use, it means a person in active addiction is provided with the means to continue to use.
Helping a person in active addiction means supporting their basic needs, such as food, water, shelter, and clothing. (If someone is in jail or treatment, their basic needs are met; therefore, bailing them out would be enabling.) Thinking in terms of “needs vs. wants” helps you to recognize enabling and therefore, to help a loved one with addiction.
When a parent has a son or daughter with an addiction, it’s especially difficult to make the distinction between helping and enabling. A parent’s natural inclination is to nurture and protect from harm. It’s heart-wrenching to see your child in pain. But if a parent doesn’t set (and adhere to) healthy boundaries, they will quickly become emotionally drained (as they enable their child’s addiction).
Here are some ways to help a loved one with addiction who’s actively using:
1. Never (ever) offer money.
If asked for cash for food, for example, buy groceries instead (or offer to take them to lunch). I worked with a father who bought a bag of groceries for his son, who struggled with severe alcoholism and was homeless, on a weekly basis. This is an excellent example of how to help a loved one with addiction versus enabling their drug use.
If your loved one doesn’t have to pay the electric bill, they’ll probably spend that money on drugs or alcohol. Furthermore, if you protect them from the consequences of not paying bills (i.e. having the power shut off), your loved one is less likely to see a need for change. (People don’t change when they’re comfortable.)
3. If your loved one is addicted to opioids (heroin, morphine, hydrocodone, etc.), attend a training or take an online course on opioid overdose reversal (Narcan [naloxone] administration).
If you’re unsure where local trainings are offered, a Google search for “Narcan training” or “opioid reversal training” will link you to resources in your area. Most trainings are free. Keep a Narcan kit on your person at all times. Provide your loved one with a kit (or two) as well.
This is not enabling. Help a loved one with addiction by potentially saving their life, thereby giving them the opportunity to recover. (A dead opioid-user doesn’t recover.)
4. Offer to help them get into treatment.
Become familiar with the different treatment options in your area. Don’t give ultimatums (i.e. “If you don’t get treatment, I’ll divorce you”) or make threats (especially if you’re not willing to follow through).
Be supportive, not judgmental. Be patient; when your loved one is emotionally and physically drained from addiction’s painful consequences (or when they hit “rock bottom”), they may decide it’s time to get help. And you’ll be ready.
5. Recognize that your loved one is not the same person they were before addiction.
Substance use disorder is a debilitating disease that damages the brain; it changes how a person feels and thinks. With addiction, the brain’s reward center is rewired, resulting in a biological “need” for drugs/alcohol. (Compare this to your need for food or water or air.)
Recognize that your loved one’s addiction will lie to you. They will do whatever it takes to get their “needs” met. Your loved one’s addiction will steal from you. (Lock up your valuables if they have access to your home… and even if they don’t. I’ve worked with more than a few individuals who have broken into their parents’ home for either money for drugs or valuables to pawn for money for drugs.)
Your loved one’s addiction will betray you. Accepting the nature of addiction will help you to set healthy boundaries.
By engaging with others with similar struggles, you’ll learn more about supporting your loved one (without enabling their addiction). You’ll also build a supportive network by connecting with others, strengthening your emotional health.
7. When in doubt, try asking yourself one (or all) of the following questions:
Will my actions help my loved one to continue to drink or use?
Is this a “want” or a basic need?
Will my actions prevent them from experiencing a natural consequence?
Conclusion
Addiction is a devastating, but treatable, disease. The road to recovery is difficult and long (with many detours).
While you can never control someone else’s behaviors, there are ways to help a loved one with addiction. Be kind and compassionate; they’re in an unthinkable amount of pain. They didn’t choose addiction. The best way to support them is by setting healthy boundaries to ensure you’re not enabling continued use.
Boundaries allow you to help them without furthering their addiction. Boundaries also serve as protection for you and your emotional health; you’re in no position to help if you’re emotionally, financially, and spiritually depleted.
Please share in a comment your suggestions for helping a loved one with addiction.
(Updated 9/20/22) This is a list of over 500 free online assessment screenings for clinical use and for self-help purposes. While an assessment cannot take the place of a diagnosis, it can give you a better idea if what you’re experiencing is “normal.”
Decisional Balance Scales | Several PDF versions available to measure pros/cons of substance use, includes scoring information (Source: The HABITS Lab at UMBC)
Drinking Patterns Questionnaire | 28-page PDF assessment, can be completed online or printed. No scoring instructions, find more information here
Drug Abuse Screening Test (DAST) | Online interactive screening with scoring information (Source: Counselling Resource) (Click here for PDF version from UMKC SBIRT)
Gambling Test | Interactive test (Source: HealthyPlace)
Process of Change Questionnaire | Several PDF versions available to assess the change process for alcohol, drugs, and smoking, includes scoring information (Source: The HABITS Lab at UMBC)
Self-Efficacy Scales | Several PDF versions available to assess for confidence to abstain, includes scoring information (Source: The HABITS Lab at UMBC)
Self-Report Measures | A modest collection of assessments for addiction (Source: Addiction Research Center)
Substance Abuse History Interview | The SAHI is an interview to assess periods of drug use (by drug), alcohol use, and abstinence in a client’s life over a desired period of time. The SAHI combines the drug and alcohol use items from the Addiction Severity Index (ASI) and the Time Line Follow-back Assessment Method to collect information about the quantity, frequency, and quantity X frequency of alcohol and drug consumption. Citation: McLellan, A. T., Luborsky, L., Woody, G. E., & O’Brien, C. P. (1980). An improved diagnostic evaluation instrument for substance abuse patients: The Addiction Severity Index. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 168, 26-33. (Source: University of Washington Center for Behavioral Technology)
Yale Food Addiction Scale | PDF scale and scoring instructions (Source: Measurement Instrument Database for the Social Sciences [MIDSS])
Anxiety & Mood Disorders
PDF and interactive online assessment tools for anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorders
ADAA Screening Tools | The Anxiety and Depression Association of America provides links to both printable and interactive tests for depression, generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, panic disorder, PTSD, social anxiety disorder, and specific phobias. This site does not provide test results. (It’s recommended that you print your results to discuss with a mental health practitioner.) This is an excellent resource for clinicians to print and administer to clients.
Classroom Anxiety Measure | Printable scale with scoring instructions (Citation: Richmond, V. P., Wrench, J. S., & Gorham, J. (2001). Communication, affect, and learning in the classroom. Acton, MA: Tapestry Press).
DBSA Mental Health Screening Center | The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance offers screening tools for both children and adults (including versions for parents to answers questions about their child’s symptoms). Take an online assessment for depression, mania, and/or anxiety.
Depression Self-Assessment | A simple self-assessment tool. Results are provided on a spectrum, ranging from “None” to “Severe” depression. (Source: Kaiser)
Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale (EPDS) | 2-page PDF with scoring instructions (Citations: Cox, J. L., Holden, J. M., & Sagovsky, R. (1987). Detection of postnatal depression: Development of the 10-item Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale. British Journal of Psychiatry, 150, 782-786 and K. L. Wisner, B. L. Parry, & C. M. Piontek. (2002). Postpartum depression, N Engl J Med, 347(3), 18, 194-199.)
Fear of Physician (FOP) | Printable scale with scoring instructions (Citation: Richmond, V. P., Smith, R. S., Heisel, A. M., & McCroskey, J. C. (1998). The impact of communication apprehension and fear of talking with a physician and perceived medical outcomes. Communication Research Reports, 15, 344-353).
Hamilton Depression Rating Scale (HDRS) | 2-page PDF (Citation: Hamilton, M. (1960). A rating scale for depression. J Neurol Neurosurg Psychiatry, 23, 56–62.)
Mood Disorder Questionnaire | A PDF screening tool with scoring instructions to assess symptoms of bipolar disorder (Source: South African Depression and Anxiety Group)
The Penn State Worry Questionnaire (PSWQ) | 2-page PDF, includes scoring information (Citation: Meyer, T. J., Miller, M. L., Metzger, R. L., & Borkovec, T. D. (1990). Development and validation of the Penn State Worry Questionnaire. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 28, 487-495.)
Personal Report of Public Speaking Anxiety (PRPSA) | Printable scale with scoring instructions (Citation: McCroskey, J. C. (1970). Measures of communication-bound anxiety. Speech Monographs, 37, 269-277.)
Self-Consciousness Scale (SCS-R) | Downloadable assessment (Source: Measurement Instrument Database for the Social Sciences [MIDSS])
Shyness Scale | Printable scale with scoring instructions (Citation: McCroskey, J. C., & Richmond, V. P. (1982). Communication apprehension and shyness: Conceptual and operational distinctions. Central States Speech Journal, 33, 458-468.)
Social Anxiety Questionnaire for Adults | A PDF questionnaire to assess for social anxiety (Source: Measurement Instrument Database for the Social Sciences [MIDSS])
Social Phobia Inventory (SPIN) | 2-page PDF, includes scoring information (Source: Bianca Lauria-Horner, (2016). From The Primary Care Toolkit for Anxiety and Related Disorders: Quick, Practical Solutions for Assessment and Management. Brush Education Inc.)
Social Phobia Scale (SPS) | 1-page PDF assessment, scoring instructions not included (Source: Oxford Clinical Psychology)
Test Anxiety | Printable scale with scoring instructions (Citation: Richmond, V. P., Wrench, J. S., & Gorham, J. (2001). Communication, affect, and learning in the classroom. Acton, MA: Tapestry Press.)
Young Mania Rating Scale (YMRS) | 3-page PDF (Citation: Young, R. C., Biggs, J. T., Ziegler, V. E., & Meyer, D. A. (2000). Young Mania Rating Scale. In: Handbook of Psychiatric Measures. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association, 540-542.)
Trauma, Stress, & Related Disorders Online Assessment Tools
ACE Questionnaire | Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are associated with a variety of health (both physical and mental) conditions in adults. To find your ACE score, take an interactive quiz. Learn more about ACEs on the CDC’s violence prevention webpage. You can also download the international version (PDF) from the World Health Organization’s Violence and Injury Prevention webpage.
Initial Trauma Review – Revised (ITR-R) | A behaviorally-anchored, semi-structured interview that allows the clinician to evaluate most major forms of trauma exposure
Kessler Psychological Distress Scale (K10) | Citation: Kessler, R. C., Barker, P. R., Colpe, L. J., Epstein, J. F., Gfroerer, J. C., Hiripi E., et al. (2003). Screening for serious mental illness in the general population. Arch Gen Psychiatry, 60(2), 184-9.
Life Events Checklist for DSM-5 (LEC-5) | A PDF self-report measure designed to screen for potentially traumatic events in a respondent’s lifetime (Source: U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs)
Perceived Stress Scale (PSS) | Downloadable assessment (Source: Measurement Instrument Database for the Social Sciences [MIDSS])
Posttraumatic Maladaptive Beliefs Scale (PMBS) | 4-page PDF, includes scoring information (Citation: King, L. A., King, D. W., Vickers, K., Davison, E. H., & Spiro, A. I. (2007). Assessing late-onset stress symptomatology among aging male combat veterans. Aging & Mental Health, 11, 175-191. doi:10.1080/13607860600844424)
Stress Assessments | PDF packet of tests (Source: Write Your Own Prescription for Stress (2000). Kenneth B. Matheny, Ph.D., ABPP, & Christopher J. McCarthy, Ph.D.)
Stress Self-Assessments | A variety of self-assessments to measure stress (Source: American Institute of Stress)
Brief Obsessive-Compulsive Scale (BOCS) | PDF assessment based on Wayne Goodman’s Yale-Brown Obsessive-Compulsive Scale and Children’s Yale-Brown Obsessive-Compulsive Scale (Author: S. Bejerot)
Children’s Yale-Brown Obsessive-Compulsive Scale | 14-page PDF assessment (Citation: Scahill, L., Riddle, M. A., McSwiggin-Hardin, M., Ort, S. I., King, R. A., Goodman, W. K., Cicchetti, D. & Leckman, J. F. (1997). Children’s Yale-Brown Obsessive Compulsive Scale: reliability and validity. J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry, 36(6), 844-852.)
Obsessive-Compulsive Inventory (OCI) | PDF inventory with scoring instructions (Authors: Foa, E. B., Kozak, M. J., Salkovskis, P. M., Coles, M. E., & Amir, N.)
Borderline Symptom List and Scoring Instructions | Citation: Bohus M., Limberger, M. F., Frank, U., Chapman, A. L., Kuhler, T., Stieglitz, R. D. (2007). Psychometric properties of the Borderline Symptom List (BSL). Psychopathology, 40, 126-132. (Source: University of Washington Center for Behavioral Technology)
Difficulties in Emotion Regulation Scale (DERS) | 1-page PDF, includes scoring information (Citation: Gratz, K. L. & Roemer, L. (2004). Multidimensional assessment of emotion regulation and dysregulation: Development, factor structure, and initial validation of the Difficulties in Emotion Regulation Scale. Journal of Psychopathology and Behavioral Assessment, 26, 41-54.)
Measure of Attachment Qualities | Downloadable assessment (Source: Measurement Instrument Database for the Social Sciences [MIDSS])
Original Attachment Three-Category Measure | PDF assessment (Citation: Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52, 511-524.)
Interpersonal Communication Skills Inventory | PDF self-assessment designed to provide insight into communication strengths and areas for development. Includes scoring instructions.
Learn Your Love Language | Choose your version: Couples, Children’s Quiz, Teens, or Singles. An online assessment to determine your primary love language. (You are required to enter your information to get quiz results.)
Danger Assessment Screening Tool | Clinicians can download this PDF version of the assessment, which helps predict the level of danger in an abusive relationship; this screening tool was developed to predict violence and homicide.
Lifetime – Suicide Attempt Self-Injury Count (L-SASI)InstructionsScoring | The L-SASI is an interview to obtain a detailed lifetime history of non-suicidal self-injury and suicidal behavior. Citation: Linehan, M. M. &, Comtois, K. (1996). Lifetime Parasuicide History. University of Washington, Seattle, WA, Unpublished work. (Source: University of Washington Center for Behavioral Technology)
Lineham Risk Assessment and Management Protocol | Citation: Linehan, M. M. (2009). University of Washington Risk Assessment Action Protocol: UWRAMP, University of WA, Unpublished work. (Source: University of Washington Center for Behavioral Technology)
Non-Suicidal Self-Injury Assessment Tool Brief Version | Full Version | Assessment tool (Source: Cornell Research Program on Self-Injury and Recovery)
NSSI Measures Archives | A collection of instruments for self-harm (Source: International Society for the Study of Self-Injury)
NSSI Severity Assessment | A PDF assessment tool to assess the severity of non-suicidal self-injury (Source: Cornell Research Program on Self-Injury and Recovery)
Reasons for Living Scale Scoring Instructions | RFL Scale (long form – 72 items) | RFL Scale (short form – 48 items) | RFL Scale (Portuguese) | RFL Scale (Romanian) | RFL Scale (Simplified Chinese) | RFL Scale (Traditional Chinese) | RFL Scale (Thai) | The RFL is a self-report questionnaire that measures clients’ expectancies about the consequences of living versus killing oneself and assesses the importance of various reasons for living. The measure has six subscales: Survival and Coping Beliefs, Responsibility to Family, Child-Related Concerns, Fear of Suicide, Fear of Social Disapproval, and Moral Objections. Citation: Linehan M. M., Goodstein J. L., Nielsen S. L., & Chiles J. A. (1983). Reasons for staying alive when you are thinking of killing yourself: The Reasons for Living Inventory. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 51, 276-286. (Source: University of Washington Center for Behavioral Technology)
Suicidal Behaviors Questionnaire | SBQ with Variable Labels | SBQ Scoring Syntax | The SBQ is a self-report questionnaire designed to assess suicidal ideation, suicide expectancies, suicide threats and communications, and suicidal behavior. Citation: Addis, M. & Linehan, M. M. (1989). Predicting suicidal behavior: Psychometric properties of the Suicidal Behaviors Questionnaire. Poster presented at the Annual Meeting of the Association for the Advancement Behavior Therapy, Washington, DC. (Source: University of Washington Center for Behavioral Technology)
Suicide Attempt Self-Injury Interview (SASII) SASII Instructions For Published SASII | SASII Standard Short Form with Supplemental Questions | SASII Short Form with Variable Labels | SASII Scoring Syntax | Detailed Explanation of SPSS Scoring Syntax | The SASII (formerly the PHI) is an interview to collect details of the topography, intent, medical severity, social context, precipitating and concurrent events, and outcomes of non-suicidal self-injury and suicidal behavior during a target time period. Major SASII outcome variables are the frequency of self-injurious and suicidal behaviors, the medical risk of such behaviors, suicide intent, a risk/rescue score, instrumental intent, and impulsiveness. Citation: Linehan, M. M., Comtois, K. A., Brown, M. Z., Heard, H. L., Wagner, A. (2006). Suicide Attempt Self-Injury Interview (SASII): Development, reliability, and validity of a scale to assess suicide attempts and intentional self-injury. Psychological Assessment, 18(3), 303-312. (Source: University of Washington Center for Behavioral Technology)
University of WA Suicide Risk/Distress Assessment Protocol | Citations: Reynolds, S. K., Lindenboim, N., Comtois, K. A., Murray, A., & Linehan, M. M. (2006). Risky assessments: Participant suicidality and distress associated with research assessments in a treatment study of suicidal behavior. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, (36)1, 19-33. Linehan, M. M., Comtois, K. A., &, Ward-Ciesielski, E. F. (2012). Assessing and managing risk with suicidal individuals. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice, 19(2), 218-232. (Source: University of Washington Center for Behavioral Technology)
Coping Self-Efficacy Scale | 3-page PDF (Citation: Chesney, M. A., Neilands, T. B., Chambers, D. B., Taylor, J. M., & Folkman, S. (2006). A validity and reliability study of the coping self-efficacy scale. Br J Health Psychol, 11(3), 421-37.)
Fisher Temperament Inventory (FTI) | Interactive test (Source: Brown, L. L., Acevedo, B., & Fisher, H. E. (2013). Neural correlates of four broad temperament dimensions: Testing predictions for a novel construct of personality. PLoS ONE 8(11), e78734. / Open-Source Psychometrics Project)
Jung Typology Test | Interactive assessment based on Carl Jung’s and Isabel Briggs Myers’ personality type theory
Keirsey | Take this interactive assessment to learn your temperament. There are four temperaments: Artisan, Guardian, Idealist, and Rational. (Note: You must create an account and enter a password to view your results.)
MACH-IV Test of Machiavellianism | Interactive test (Source: Christie, R. & Geis, F. (1970). Studies in Machiavellianism. NY: Academic Press.)
SAPA Project | SAPA stands for “Synthetic Aperture Personality Assessment.” This online personality assessment scores you on 27 “narrow traits,” such as order, impulsivity, and creativity in addition to the “Big Five” (Agreeableness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Neuroticism, and Openness). You’re also scored on cognitive ability. This test takes 20-30 minutes to complete and you will receive a full report when finished.
The Fear of Happiness Scale| 2-page PDF with scoring information, 2012 (Source: The Compassionate Mind Foundation)
Fitness IQ Test | Interactive test (Source: Psychology Today)
Flourishing Scale (FS) | Includes scoring information (Citation: Diener, E., Wirtz, D., Tov, W., Kim-Prieto, C., Choi, D., Oishi, S., & Biswas-Diener, R. (2009). New measures of well-being: Flourishing and positive and negative feelings. Social Indicators Research, 39, 247-266.)
Happiness Test | Interactive test (Source: Psychology Today)
Inventories of Thriving (CIT & BIT) | Comprehensive and brief versions, includes scoring information (Citation: Su, R., Tay, L., & Diener, E. (2014). The development and validation of Comprehensive Inventory of Thriving (CIT) and Brief Inventory of Thriving (BIT). Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being. Published online before print. doi: 10.1111/aphw.12027)
Oxford Happiness Questionnaire | 3-page PDF (Citation: Hills, P., & Argyle, M. (2002). The Oxford Happiness Questionnaire: a compact scale for the measurement of psychological well‐being. Personality and Individual Differences, 33, 1073–1082.)
Satisfaction With Life Scale (SWLS) | Includes scoring information (Citation: Diener, E., Emmons, R. A., Larsen, R. J., & Griffin, S. (1985). The Satisfaction with Life Scale. Journal of Personality Assessment, 49, 71-75.)
Affect Intensity Measure (AIM) | 40-question and 20-question PDF versions of the assessment (Citation: Larsen, R. J. (1984). Theory and measurement of affect intensity as an individual difference characteristic. Dissertation Abstracts International, 85, 2297B.)
Career Assessments | Self-assessments to assess interests, skills, and work values
Clance Impostor Syndrome Scale | 3-page PDF, includes scoring information (Source: The Impostor Phenomenon: When Success Makes You Feel Like A Fake (pp. 20-22), by P.R. Clance, 1985, Toronto: Bantam Books.)
DBT-WCCL Scale and Scoring | Citation: Neacsiu, A. D., Rizvi, S. L., Vitaliano, P. P., Lynch, T. R., & Linehan, M. M. (2010). The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Ways of Coping Checklist (DBT-WCCL).: Development and psychometric properties. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 66(61), 1-20. (Source: University of Washington Center for Behavioral Technology)
Demographic Data Scale | A self-report questionnaire used to gather extensive demographic information from the client. Citation: Linehan, M. M. (1982). Demographic Data Schedule (DDS). University of Washington, Seattle, WA, Unpublished work. (Source: University of Washington Center for Behavioral Technology)
Focus on Emotions | PDF assessment instruments for children and adolescents from 9 to 15 years. Includes Empathy Questionnaire (EmQue), Mood List, Alexithymia Questionnaire for Children, Emotion Awareness Questionnaire (EAQ), BARQ, Behavioral Anger Response Questionnaire, Worry / Rumination, Somatic Complaint List, Instrument for Reactive and Proactive Aggression (IRPA) Self-Report, Brief Shame and Guilt Questionnaire for Children, Coping Scale, and Social-Emotional Development Tasks
Library of Scales | 25 psychiatric scales (PDF documents) to be used by mental health practitioners in clinical practice. Includes Frequency, Intensity, and Burden of Side Effects Ratings; Fagerstrom Test for Nicotine Dependence; Fear Questionnaire; Massachusetts General Hospital Hair Pulling Scale; and more. (Note: Some of the assessments have copyright restrictions for use.) (Source: Outcome Tracker)
Mental Health Screening Tools | Online screenings for depression, anxiety, bipolar, psychosis, eating disorders, PTSD, and addiction. You can also take a parent test (for a parent to assess their child’s symptoms), a youth test (for a youth to report his/her symptoms), or a workplace health test. The site includes resources and self-help tools.
Military Health System Assessments | Interactive tests for PTSD, alcohol/drug use, relationships, depression, sleep, anxiety, anger, and stress
The Multidimensional Experiential Avoidance Questionnaire (MEAQ) | 3-page PDF with scoring information, 2011 (Citation: Gamez, W., Chmielewski, M., Kotov, R., Ruggero, C., & Watson, D. (in press). Development of a measure of experiential avoidance: The Multidimensional Experiential Avoidance Questionnaire (MEAQ), Psychological Assessment.)
Open Source Psychometrics Project | This site provides a collection of interactive personality and other tests, including the Open Extended Jungian Type Scales, the Evaluations of Attractiveness Scales, and the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale.
Other as Shamer Scale (OAS) | 2-page PDF with scoring information, 1994 (Source: The Compassionate Mind Foundation)
Parental Affect Test | The Linehan Parental Affect Test is a self-report questionnaire that assesses parent responses to typical child behaviors. Citation: Linehan, M. M., Paul, E., & Egan, K. J. (1983). The Parental Affect Test – Development, validity and reliability. Journal of Clinical Child Psychology, 12, 161-166. (Source: University of Washington Center for Behavioral Technology)
Patient Health Questionnaire Screeners | This is a great diagnostic tool for clinicians. Use the drop down arrow to choose a PHQ or GAD screener (which assesses mood, anxiety, eating, sleep, and somatic concerns). The site generates a PDF printable; you can also access the instruction manual. No permission is required to reproduce, translate, display or distribute the screeners.
Project Implicit | A variety of interactive assessments that measures your hidden biases
Screening Tools – Autism Canada | Interactive screening tools for autism for toddlers, children, teens, and adults (Source: Autism Canada) 🆕
Sensitivity Test for Adults | A carefully designed questionnaire to measure sensitivity in adults. (There is also a version for children.) 🆕
The Shame Inventory | 3-page PDF (Citation: Rizvi, S. L. (2010). Development and preliminary validation of a new measure to assess shame: The Shame Inventory. Journal of Psychopathology and Behavioral Assessment, 32(3), 438-447.)
Social History Interview (SHI) | The SHI is an interview to gather information about a client’s significant life events over a desired period of time. The SHI was developed by adapting and modifying the psychosocial functioning portion of both the Social Adjustment Scale-Self Report (SAS-SR) and the Longitudinal Interview Follow-up Evaluation Base Schedule (LIFE) to assess a variety of events (e.g., jobs, moves, relationship endings, jail) during the target timeframe. Using the LIFE, functioning is rated in each of 10 areas (e.g., work, household, social interpersonal relations, global social adjustment) for the worst week in each of the preceding four months and for the best week overall. Self-report ratings using the SAS-SR are used to corroborate interview ratings. Citations: Weissman, M. M., & Bothwell, S. (1976). Assessment of social adjustment by patient self-report. Archives of General Psychiatry, 33, 1111-1115. Keller, M. B., Lavori, P. W., Friedman, B., Nielsen, E. C., Endicott, J., McDonald-Scott, P., & Andreasen, N. C. (1987). The longitudinal interval follow-up evaluation: A comprehensive method for assessing outcome in prospective longitudinal studies. Archives of General Psychiatry, 44, 540-548. (Source: University of Washington Center for Behavioral Technology)
Therapist Interview | The TI is an interview to gather information from a therapist about their treatment for a specific client. Citation: Linehan, M. M. (1987). Therapist Interview. University of Washington, Seattle, WA, Unpublished work. (Source: University of Washington Center for Behavioral Technology)
Treatment History Interview | Appendices | The THI is an interview to gather detailed information about a client’s psychiatric and medical treatment over a desired period of time. Citation: Linehan, M. M. &, Heard, H. L. (1987). Treatment history interview (THI). University of Washington, Seattle, WA, Unpublished work. Therapy and Risk Notes – do not use without citation. For clarity of how to implement these items, please see Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Book, Chapter 15. (Source: University of Washington Center for Behavioral Technology)
TTM Measures | To assess for self-efficacy, decision-making, process of change, etc. (Source: HABITS Lab)
A recent study found that a “big picture” style of thinking led to better decision-making. (“Better” decisions were defined as those resulting in maximum benefits.)
If ever you took the Myers-Briggs (a personality assessment), and fell on the “Intuition” side of the spectrum (like me!), it’s likely you’re already a “big picture” thinker. If you’re on the “Sensing” side, you’re more apt to examine individual facts before considering the sum of all parts when decision-making.
“Big picture” thinking is a practical and balanced method of reasoning. It suggests taking a step back (zoom out!)… and looking to see how all pieces fit together for more effective decision-making.
The following strategies promote “big picture” thinking for better decision-making:
1. Get a good night’s rest
Researchers from the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center found that sleep is essential for “relational memory” (or the ability to make inferences, i.e. “big picture” thinking) for good decision-making.
Before making a tough decision, sleep on it; you’ll wake up with a new perspective! In addition to healthy sleep hygiene, the following strategies have been found to improve sleep:
Research indicates that when weighing out options, it’s ideal to take small breaks. For more effective decision-making, don’t deliberate for long periods of time or you’ll start to lose focus. If things become fuzzy, you won’t see the big picture.
Ask around to learn how others’ view your situation. Every perspective you collect is another piece of the “big picture” puzzle.
Seek opinions from those you trust (only those who have your best interests in mind). Make sure you ask a variety of people (especially those with whom you typically disagree). The end result is a broader and more comprehensive awareness of what you’re facing.
Employ all four strategies to optimize your thinking style and decision-making skills!
References
American Academy of Sleep Medicine. (2010, April 4). Maintaining regular daily routines is associated with better sleep quality in older adults. ScienceDaily. Retrieved July 18, 2018 from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/04/100401085336.htm
American Psychological Association. (2018, April 23). Let it go: Mental breaks after work improve sleep: Repetitive thoughts on rude behavior at work results in insomnia. ScienceDaily. Retrieved July 18, 2018 from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/04/180423110828.htm
Berman, M. G., Kross, E., Krpan, K. M., Askren, M. K., Burson, A., Deldin, P. J., Kaplan, S., Sherdell, L., Gotlib, I. H., & Jonides, J. (2012). Interacting with nature improves cognition and affect for individuals with depression. Journal of Affective Disorders, DOI: 10.1016/j.jad.2012.03.012
Black, D. S., O’Reilly, G. A., Olmstead, R., Breen, E. C., & Irwin, M. R. (2015). Mindfulness meditation and improvement in sleep quality and daytime impairment among older adults with sleep disturbances. JAMA Internal Medicine, DOI: 10.1001/jamainternmed.2014.8081
Curry, O., Rowland, L., Zlotowitz, S., McAlaney, J., & Whitehouse, H. (2016). Happy to help? A systematic review and meta-analysis of the effects of performing acts of kindness on the well-being of the actor. Open Science Framework
Demsky, C. A. et al. (2018). Workplace incivility and employee sleep: The role of rumination and recovery experiences. Journal of Occupational Health Psychology, DOI: 10.1037/ocp0000116
Labroo, A., Patrick, V., & Deighton, J. served as editor and Luce, M. F. served as associate editor for this article. (2009). Psychological distancing: Why happiness helps you see the big picture. Journal of Consumer Research,35(5), 800-809. DOI: 10.1086/593683
Northwestern University. (2017, July 10). Purpose in life by day linked to better sleep at night: Older adults whose lives have meaning enjoy better sleep quality, less sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome. ScienceDaily. Retrieved July 18, 2018 from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/07/170710091734.htm
Spira, A. P. (2015). Being mindful of later-life sleep quality and its potential role in prevention. JAMA Internal Medicine, DOI: 10.1001/jamainternmed.2014.8093
Stillman, P. E., Fujita, K., Sheldon, O., & Trope, Y. (2018). From “me” to “we”: The role of construal level in promoting maximized joint outcomes. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 147(16), DOI: 10.1016/j.obhdp.2018.05.004
Turner, A. D., Smith, C. E., & Ong, J. C. (2017). Is purpose in life associated with less sleep disturbance in older adults? Sleep Science and Practice, 1(1), DOI: 10.1186/s41606-017-0015-6
University of Michigan. (2009, June 3). Feeling Close To a Friend Increases Progesterone, Boosts Well-being and Reduces Anxiety and Stress. ScienceDaily. Retrieved July 18, 2018 from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/06/090602171941.htm
Why do we keep toxic people in our lives? Despite the emotional costs, many people chose to remain in toxic relationships. This post explores the emotional reasoning behind not letting go.
Recently, an acquaintance told me about breaking up with his girlfriend, a toxic person for him. His story made me cringe and left me wondering, how on earth did it get to that point? Why do we allow toxic people to remain in our lives?
For my friend, it began when his at-the-time girlfriend covertly moved in with him; initial casual sleepovers morphed into a permanent presence. As weeks turned into months, it became apparent she had some serious mental health issues. The relationship deteriorated, and my friend was ready to reclaim his space.
So, he ended things between them and told her to get out. And… she refused. This is also when he found out she was homeless.
He kicked her out of the bedroom; she started sleeping on the couch. My friend resorted totactics like removing her phone and parking pass. Despite his efforts, she continued to live (rent-free) on his couch.
To make a long story short… she eventually left… but not until the apartment manager and police got involved.
My friend’s story, while unique, is a stark reminder of how difficult it can be to escape the clutches of a toxic person, even when the signs are glaringly clear. The reality is, it’s never as simple as “it’s over, get out.” Breaking free from a toxic relationship is rarely a clean break.
3 Reasons We Keep Toxic People in Our Lives
What are the reasons we allow toxic people (friends, family, and/or romantic partners) to remain in our lives? Why is it so hard to let go?
1. Either You Need Them (or You Can’t Ignore Them)
A recent study suggests we keep toxic people around simply because their lives are intertwined with ours. For example, your aging mother-in-law, who degrades and insults you, lives at your home, despite the negative impact this has on your life. Your options are limited because your husband is unwilling to put her in a nursing home (and you may also depend on her for things, like childcare or help with the bills).
Another example would be toxic people at work (coworkers, bosses, subordinates, etc.); you don’t have a lot of choice when it comes to your boss or colleagues, and you can’t entirely avoid them or refuse to talk about work-related stuff (unless you’re okay with losing your job). If pursing a new position isn’t practical, your next best option is to find a way to effectively deal with workplace toxicity.
That said, you don’t have the power to change anyone else. To manage your reactions to and interactions with toxic people, acknowledge the need for self-adjustment, including attitude and role. Examine your personal views. Lower/manage expectations for others; accept that people will do and say things you don’t agree with… and it’s not something you can control.
Once you’ve reached the point of radical acceptance, follow guidelines for effective communication (i.e., active listening, avoiding blame, being aware of tone and body language, reflecting for clarity, etc.) in conversations with toxic people, whether it’s your mother-in-law or your boss. By being proactive, you’re doing your part to avoid getting caught up in others’ toxicity.
In the face of unavoidable toxicity, I find switching to a “counselor role” is helpful; I set aside my personal viewpoint, opening myself to alternative views, while seeking to understand (not judge) behavior. (And you don’t have to be a counselor to do this!)
I try to view individuals in terms of “what happened to you?” instead of assuming they’re malicious or intentional (i.e., “what’s wrong with you? People act the way they do for a reason). I don’t know what’s happening in a “toxic” person’s life or what they’ve been through.
Maybe that snarky co-worker is in an abusive relationship and lives in fear. Or maybe her son is in the hospital with brain cancer. Or it’s possible she grew up in a home where her parents yelled and disrespected each other, shaping her view of relationships. The snarky attitude makes sense when viewed through different lenses.
While it’s never okay to be an asshole, I can understand why people are jerks. Somehow, this knowledge serves as an immunity when encountering a toxic person. Their behavior is the result of something bad that happened to them; it has nothing to do with me and I can choose whether or not to engage. They don’t have power to negatively impact me unless I give it up.
2. Toxic Love: It Feels Better to Stay
When Joe Strummer of the Clash sang the question, “Should I stay or should I go now?”; he already knew the answer. We stay in unhealthy relationships or continue to hang out with toxic friends because it feels good (at times, at least).
The boyfriend who yells at you can also be incredibly sweet and caring. Or your gossipy friend who talks about you behind your back also happens to be the most fun person you know. Despite the sense that it’s unhealthy, you (like Strummer) can’t resist. So, you ignore the red flags because you crave the rush or the intensity… or maybe what you desire most is the feeling of being wanted. (Despite the toxicity, it’s worth it, just to feel wanted… or is it?)
Beyond feeling good, it’s entirely possible to deeply love a toxic person (no matter how wrong they are for you). You don’t want to give up on the person they could be; maybe you’re in love with their potential (or an idea of what the relationship could be). You believe it’s better to sacrifice your happiness (your dignity, your well-being, your independence) than to be without the person you love.
On the flip side, some people stay in toxic relationships because deep down, they believe they can’t do any better and/or the abuse is a preferable alternative to being alone. It could also mean they believe they deserve to be punished (which sometimes happens when a person remains in an abusive relationship for a long time). Or they may reason that it’s better to hang out with a “mean girl” than sit and stare at the walls on a Friday night.
If you can relate to staying in a toxic relationship because it feels good or are afraid of being alone, carefully consider and weigh out the long-term costs of a toxic relationship. There are far worse and more damaging things than being alone.
If the idea of being alone terrifies you, maybe it’s an indication that something’s not right… that you’re not okay. It could be a sign of low self-worth or could point to an intense fear of abandonment. It may also signify a lack of understanding of what it means to be in a healthy relationship. Lastly, an intense fear of being alone is associated with some of the personality disorders and/or could be the result of trauma.
3. It’s (So Much) Easier to Stay
Breaking up is messy and uncomfortable. In my experience, most people avoid conflict whenever possible. Despite the fact that conflict is a natural, everyday occurrence, it can feel unpleasant, even for those with expert conflict resolution skills.
In relationships, avoiding conflict does more harm than good. In a healthy relationship, it’s necessary to address problems in order to resolve them, thereby strengthening the relationship.
In a toxic relationship, conflict should not be avoided, but for different reasons. It may be easier to ignore the reality of your situation than to get honest, but this is detrimental (not only to you, but to your partner, who will never have the opportunity to change so long as you enable the toxicity to continue).
You may wish to avoid the emotional drain that accompanies confrontation, but in the long run, you’ll lose more emotional energy if you remain in a toxic relationship. (A steep, one-time payment is preferable to the ongoing, daily emotional sacrifices/abuses associated with toxicity; you’re slowly poisoned as time goes on.)
If you choose to end a toxic relationship, be realistic; it’s not going to be easy… and it’s going to hurt. A lot. You may love this person a great deal (and maybe you’ve long held on to the hope they’d change). Go into it with low (or no) expectations.
When things feel unbearable, remember that the easy things in life matter little; the difficult stuff is what leads to personal growth, success, and resilience.
Conclusion
In closing, I’m sure there are multitudes of reasons people have for staying in unhealthy relationships and keeping toxic people in their lives; this post is by no means comprehensive. I’m also certain, whatever the reason, it seems justifiable to them.
People don’t choose toxicity without some sort of justification (if not for others, then at least for themselves). Unfortunately, rationalizations don’t offer protection from harm. No matter the reason for remaining in a toxic relationship, it’s not worth the cost.
What are some other reasons people keep toxic people in their lives? Why is letting go so hard? Share your thoughts in a comment!
Offer, S., & Fischer, C.S. (2017). Difficult people: Who is perceived to be demanding in personal networks and why are they there? American Sociological Review, 000312241773795, DOI: 10.1177/0003122417737951
Self-care is a vital piece of the wellness puzzle. As a mental health professional, I have to practice self-care to prevent burnout. (If I’m not taking care of myself, how am I going to help someone else?)
To illustrate the importance of self-care, consider a vehicle; it requires ongoing maintenance for optimal performance and safety. Similarly, we require self-care. It’s a concept that encompasses a variety of needs, including health, solitude, human connection, self-love, spiritualty, and more.
Self-care advice seems to be everywhere these days. From endless articles to overflowing Pinterest boards, the internet is a bottomless pit of bubble baths and meditation. But let’s be real, most of it feels… uninspired. Lighting a vanilla candle and calling it a day? Yawn.
While there’s merit in those practices, I’m more about the kind of self-care that doesn’t feel like following a generic recipe. If you’re like me and find most self-care suggestions a bit… bland, then welcome! This post is for the self-care rebels, the ones who crave a bit more and want to expand their self-care horizons.
Here are 11 unique ideas for self-care:
1. Create an inspirational scrapbook or a “bliss book”
Any time you happen upon something that makes you smile, inspires you, or motivates you, add it to your scrapbook (or journal or binder). Maybe it’s a photo, a happy thought you jot down, or a magazine article. Alternatively, you could create a “bliss board” on Pinterest.
Creating a bliss book (or board) has the potential to generate positivity and compassion. Whenever you need an emotional pick-me-up, flip through your scrapbook. Share it with others to generate a double dose of cheer!
If you can’t take a vacation, you can at least plan one! Preparation is half the fun (for me, at least)!
Look up places you’d like to travel and research things to do there. Create an itinerary. Set a tentative travel date (even if it’s years from now) so you have something to look forward to.
If you’re one of those people who avoid going number 2 in public bathrooms, stop. Holding in your poop is uncomfortable and may result in constipation.
If you’re embarrassed about the smell, carry a travel-sized container of Poo-Pourri. If it’s the sound that makes you anxious, run the water or flush as you go. When your body tells you it’s time to go, listen!
4. Treat yourself to a monthly subscription box for self-care
I love getting mystery packages in the mail! It’s akin to receiving a care package when you’re a kid at summer camp. And when it comes to subscription boxes, there are many to choose from.
Currently, I subscribe to four: Ispy (5 makeup samples in a cute makeup bag for $10), PLAY! by Sephora (5-6 makeup samples for $10), Trendsend (5-8 clothing items and no styling fee!), and StitchFix (a mix of 5 clothing items, shoes, and accessories with a $20 styling fee – fee is deducted from total).
Subscription boxes are fun and a great way for me to build a professional wardrobe and to try new makeup products. (Disclaimer: I receive a referral bonus if you sign up for Ipsy or StitchFix via one of my links.)
Allow yourself time to reminisce. My sister and I recently went through a box of old dolls and stuffed animals; it was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. It released a flood of happy memories and it felt great to laugh.
We chuckled over my Barbie dolls, which all had short, spiky hair; I was a very literal child, so when my sister declared “Barbie haircut day,” I took it to heart. My sister, on the other hand, only pretended to snip her Barbies’ hair. I cried rivers that day.
I also enjoy looking at old family photos. See below for a pic from the year my mom went on a mission to create the perfect Christmas photo letter (the kind moms send out to impress relatives and old friends). “Fred the Christmas Goose” didn’t make the cut.
6. Create something
Practicing holistic self-care means stretching your mind; you benefit from the challenge. Avoid stagnation by stepping outside your comfort zone. Feed your creative side by building a chair, writing a song, painting a picture, knitting a scarf, or putting together a model.
Personally, I enjoy creating art; while not entirely lacking in talent, I’m no Picasso. Most of my projects are equivalent to the work one would accredit to a moderately talented 8-year old. Every once in awhile, I’m pleasantly surprised. (See below for a sketch I posted on Instagram.) Drawing or painting elicits a sense of accomplishment; it’s something I feel good about.
Acknowledging your contributions builds self-esteem and confidence.
7. Engage with a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend, or a family member
Establishing meaningful human connection is essential for wellness. To make the most of this tip, try something you normally wouldn’t.
For instance, chatting with a stranger is not my norm. To practice this tip, I’d strike up a conversation with my seatmate on a plane [providing, of course, that they’re open to friendly conversation.
Practicing self-care means building (or strengthening) connections.
8. Go exploring
As a child, nothing thrilled my soul quite like adventure; I explored by trampling through the woods behind my house, traversing streams and following hidden trails. My adventures often involved the discovery of “treasure,” an odd rock or ruins of some sort.
Today, I’m just as adventurous; however, I spend less time crashing through woods and more time traveling the world.
Exploration promotes curiosity, which is essential for growth. If you’re not a fan of outdoor activities like hiking or backpacking, try exploring a city or neighborhood. Consider driving through unfamiliar developments. Explore restaurants or shops in your town.
Whatever you decide, pursue it with the enthusiasm of the 6-year old adventurer you once were.
9. Redecorate your office or a room in your home to make it soothing, energizing, or inspiring
Every time you’re in the room, you’ll experience positive vibes. Paint the walls, add plants, declutter, hang a portrait, change the curtains, create a rock garden, etc. – whatever promotes positivity.
There’s a lot to be said for loving yourself, flaws and all. On the flip side, if there’s something you’re extremely unhappy with, consider changing it.
If you’re overweight and have tried every sort of diet, but still can’t shed those pounds, talk to a doctor about weight loss surgery or schedule an appointment with a plastic surgeon. If you’re tired of feeling sluggish and lacking energy, adjust your sleep schedule, diet, and exercise routine (and make sure you see a doctor to rule out a medical issue). If you’re constantly broke, get a second job or find another way to bring in income; enroll in financial courses or schedule an appointment with a financial advisor.
Sometimes, self-care involves drastic change. If you’re deeply troubled over some aspect of your life, and it’s something you’re unable to accept, change it (while recognizing it will require work!) This is your life; take action.
Note: This tip is only for things you have control over; recognize what you can and cannot change. For example, I don’t like my flabby arms; if this bothered me enough, I could lift weights to develop muscle tone. I also dislike my neck; it’s not long enough. Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do. It’s not worth brooding over.
That said, when contemplating any major change, especially ones involving surgery or substantial amounts of money, ask, “Is this change for me alone or am I seeking outside approval?” The essence of self-care is the self; it’s for you and you alone.
11. Adopt a new healthy habit (or quit a bad one)
This idea embodies delayed-gratification self-care vs. instant-gratification self-care. And while both types of self-care are important, the rewards associated with a healthy habit are life-changing (vs. “mildly pleasant”).
I find the psychology of lying fascinating. So, while browsing research devoted to falsehoods, I started to reflect on the different types of liars I’ve met throughout the years.
This led to a Google search (“types of liars”) to see if it’s a thing. And it is… kinda – for example, there’s the sociopathic liar vs. the occasional liar vs. the white liar… all different types of liars.
The different types of liars can be categorized as ranging on a spectrum from pathological (the very worst type of liar) on one end, to tactful (the least harmful type of liar) on the opposite end (while taking into consideration, of course, the various reasons people lie.)
In this article, I describe the 8 types of liars I’ve encountered, both as a professional counselor and in my personal life.
This person lies constantly, for any reason, or for no reason at all. They don’t know when they’re lying and they’re incapable of being honest with not only others, but with themselves. Due to this, it’s impossible to have an authentic relationship with the pathological liar; their reality shifts on a whim.
What I consider pathological lying is what others may refer to as sociopathic. In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), repeated lying is a criterion for diagnosing antisocial personality disorder (formerly known as sociopathy or psychopathy).
The pathological liar isn’t necessarily dangerous or cruel, but they’ll never be someone you can trust. The pathological liar, providing they have other redeeming qualities, is a suitable acquaintance, but never a loyal friend, partner, or spouse.
2. The Intentional Liar
This type of liar enjoys pushing your buttons. They lie for the fun of it – for the sake of entertainment. It makes them feel powerful and in control. The people they lie to are their pawns. They often desire an audience.
While the intentional liar is similar to the pathological liar in some ways, they differ in that they’re fully aware of their untruths. The intentional liar is the high school quarterback who asks the least popular girl to prom… and then tells her it was just a prank – in front of all his friends.
They fib to get a reaction and then say (in a mean-spirited way), “I was just f—ing with you!” Sometimes, the intentional liar poses as a jokester, but they’re malicious and cruel. The only reason they’re not ranked higher than the pathological liar is that by possessing awareness, they at least have the capacity to change.
3. The Manipulative Liar
They lie to get what they want. They have an end goal and will do or say whatever it takes to achieve it.
They often use flattery or say what they think you want to hear in order to get a promotion, make a sale, get elected… or get in your pants.
Like the pathological liar, you won’t know where you stand with the manipulative liar. (Does she think you’re witty? Or does she like free dinner?) The manipulative liar is not malicious, but they can still cause harm. They have no place in your life.
4. The Protective Liar
This type of liar is at times dangerous but can also be perceived as noble; it all depends on what (or who) they’re protecting. They’ll go to any length to protect a secret, be it the murder of their lover’s wife or a demotion at work. They have no moral objections to lying as long as it serves their purpose.
They may protect your secrets as well, making them a loyal friend or spouse.
The danger lies in who or what they choose to protect. This type of liar may possess dark secrets that would shake you to the core if revealed. You’ll never know what they keep hidden and therefore, you’ll never (fully) know who they are. Their secret could be as benign as a childhood stutter… or it could be devastating and unspeakable, such as carrying on a secret love affair with your best friend or a past as a child sexual molester.
5. The Avoidant Liar
They strive to avoid anything they find unpleasant; instead of being honest, they offer partial truths or deflect. It could be that the avoidant liar is evading conflict or doesn’t want to complete a particular task. Maybe they don’t want to be judged. Instead of being straightforward, they make excuses or dance around the truth.
For example, the avoidant liar who opts out of a family dinner because they can’t stand their mother-in-law pleads a migraine. Or the avoidant liar who oversleeps and is late to work tells their boss they got a flat tire. And the avoidant liar who drunkenly spills red wine on the white carpet blames it on the dog.
Avoidant liars are frustrating because they often don’t say what they mean; you can never be sure if you’re getting the truth, a half-truth, or a made-up excuse.
6. The Impressive Liar
They aim to impress. This person might not see themselves as a liar; they may not even realize they’re being deceitful. They fabricate to gain the approval of others. They may stretch the truth to make a story a bit funnier. They fake a feeling to seem more self-assured than they are.
Lying to impress is more of a habit than a conscious act. The impressive liar believes their own stories after telling them time after time. (For example, after multiple retellings of a bar fight, the impressive liar actually believes that he knocked out three burly bikers, when in reality, he broke his fist attempting to punch the bartender for cutting him off.)
Impressive liars are mostly harmless, but can be annoying, especially when they’re obviously fibbing. They pose little risk… but why spend time with someone who feels the need to pretend to be something they’re not?
7. The Lazy Liar
Sometimes, speaking candidly requires an explanation. The lazy liar streamlines the truth because it’s less complicated than giving the full narrative.
For example, saying, “I was late because I grabbed the wrong report” is easier than “I’m late because after I grabbed the report, I realized one page was missing, and when I went back, I had to reprint the entire report because the page numbers were off and the heading was on a separate sheet. I then stopped to use the bathroom.” (Not worth the effort, right?)
Lazy lying is (relatively) harmless. The lazy liar doesn’t share the full story; rather, they opt to recount the edited “movie version” of the truth as opposed to the 700-page book version. (The only time lazy lying can be problematic is when the lazy liar deems a detail unimportant when it is, in fact, imperative.)
8. The Tactful Liar
They are considerate and well-meaning. They offer overly-optimistic reassurances when things aren’t going well and find themselves saying things like, “It wasn’t that bad” (even when yes, it was indeed that bad).
They’re pleasant to be around. Your plus-sized butt will never look fat in jeans and your disastrous dye job will be “edgy,” not “traffic-cone orange.”
You also won’t know when there’s spinach in your teeth, if your fly is down, when your breath is bad, or if your PowerPoint presentation was dull.
The tactful liar has the best of intentions; they don’t want to upset you or hurt your feelings. What they lack in candor, they make up for in amiability.
An honorable mention for the heroic (self-sacrificing) liar. This type of liar is exceedingly rare, which is why they’re not included with the eight more common types of liars.
The heroic liar is similar to the protective liar in that they’ll go to extremes to protect, but in their case, they lie to defend (or safeguard) someone they love (or to save a stranger even, if they believe it’s the right thing to do).
For example, if two children (brothers) are playing, and the youngest breaks a lamp, the older (heroic liar) will take the blame to save the younger from a spanking.
The heroic liar’s place on the spectrum would fall at the very end, past the well-meaning liar.
Can you relate to any of the above liars? Maybe you’re personally acquainted with one (or several) of them?
For more on the signs of a pathological liar and how to cope, click here.
Where can you find the help you need? While there are plenty of resources out there for mental health and recovery, they’re not always easy to find… or affordable. (Plus, the Internet is full of scams!) This article is a starting point for getting help when you aren’t sure where to turn. This post offers practical guidelines; all of the resources in this article are trustworthy and reliable… and will point you in the right direction.
This post is not comprehensive; rather, it is a starting point for getting the help you need. There are plenty of resources out there for mental health and recovery, but it is not always easy (or affordable) to find help. The resources in this post are trustworthy and reliable… and will point you in the right direction so you can find help.
If you need treatment for mental distress or substance use but are not sure where to start…
If you have insurance, check your insurer’s website.
For substance use and mental health disorders, you can access the SAMHSA treatment locator. You can find buprenorphine treatment (medication-assisted treatment for opioid addiction) through SAMHSA as well.
Consider using Mental Health America’s interactive tool, Where to Get Help. NeedyMeds.org also has a locator to help you find low-cost mental health and substance abuse clinics.
At campus counseling centers, grad students sometimes offer free or low-cost services.
You could look into community mental health centers or local churches (pastoral counseling).
In some areas, you may be able to find pro bono counseling services. (Google “pro bono counseling” or “free therapy.”) You may also be able to connect with a peer specialist or counselor (for free) instead of seeing a licensed therapist.
As an alternative to individual counseling, you could attend a support group (self-help) or therapy group; check hospitals, churches, and community centers. The DBSA peer-lead support group locator tool will help you find local support groups. Meetup.com may also have support group options.
Additional alternatives: Consider online forums or communities. Watch or read self-help materials. Buy a workbook (such as The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Depression: A Step-By-Step Program) from Amazon. Download a therapy app.
Lastly, you could attend a free workshop or class at a local church, the library, a college or university, a community agency, or a hospital.
If you’re under 18 and need help, but don’t want your parents to know…
Some, but not all, states require parental consent for adolescents to participate in therapy. Start by looking up the laws in your state. You may be able to see a treatment provider without consent from a legal guardian. If your state is one that mandates consent, consider scheduling an appointment with your school counselor. In many schools, school counseling is considered a regular educational service and does not require parental consent.
Self-help groups, while not a substitute for mental health treatment, provide a venue for sharing your problems in a supportive environment. (If you suffer from a mental health condition, use NAMI to locate a support group in your state. If you struggle with addiction, consider AA or NA.)
Alternatively, you could join an online forum or group. (Mental Health America offers an online community with over 1 million users and NAMI offers OK2Talk, an online community for adolescents and young adults.)
You could also contact a Mental Health America Affiliate who would be able to tell you about local resources and additional options.
Lastly, consider talking with your pastor or a trusted teacher, reading self-help materials, downloading a therapy app, journaling, meditation or relaxation techniques, exercising, or therapy podcasts/videos.
If a friend or loved one says they’re going to harm or kill themselves…
Call 911 or 988. If you are with that person and are able to, stay with them until help arrives.
If you’re thinking about hurting or killing yourself…
Check local hospitals and churches for grief support groups; some areas may have nonprofits that offer free services, such as Let Haven Help or Community Grief and Loss Center in Northern Virginia.
Additionally, a funeral home or hospice center may be able to provide resources.
If you are a veteran, you and your family should be able to access free counseling through the VA.
The Compassionate Friends offers support after the loss of a child. Call for a customized package of bereavement materials (at no charge) or find a support group (in-person or online).
Explore Learn to Cope, a peer-led support network for families coping with the addiction of a loved one. Alternatively, you could attend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon.
Keep in mind that it’s almost impossible to help someone who doesn’t want it. You can’t control your loved one or force them into treatment. Instead, find a way to accept that there’s no logic to addiction; it’s a complex brain disorder and no amount of pleading, arguing, or “guilting” will change that.
You can receive free training to administer naloxone, which reverses an opioid overdose. Take an online training course at Get Naloxone Now. You can purchase naloxone OTC in most states at CVS or Walgreens.
In addition to talking to your doctor about medication, the patch, and/or nicotine gum, visit Smoke Free, Be Tobacco Free, or Quit.com for resources, tools, and tips.
Call a smoking cessation hotline (like 1-800-QUIT-NOW) or live chat with a specialist, such as LiveHelp (National Cancer Institute).
Download a free app (like QuitNow! or Smoke Free) or sign up for a free texting program, like SmokefreeTXT, for extra support.
Attend an online workshop or participate in a smoking cessation course; your insurance provider may offer one or you may find classes at a local hospital or community center. You could also contact your EAP for additional resources.
If you or a loved one have a problem with hoarding…
If your therapist is making unwanted sexual remarks or advances…
Contact the licensing board to file a complaint. Each state has a different licensing board. Additionally, contact the therapist’s professional association (i.e. American Counseling Association, American Psychological Association, etc.) Provide your name, address, and telephone number (unless filing anonymously). Identify the practitioner you are reporting by his or her full name and license type. Provide a detailed summary of your concerns. Attach copies (not originals) of documents relating to your concerns, if applicable.
