“How are you?” might be one of the most common conversation starters we use and one of the least likely to get an honest answer. Most of us respond automatically: “Good.” “Fine.” “Not bad.” Then we move on. It’s less of a question than a social reflex.
But if you actually want to know how someone is doing, try asking something they haven’t answered a thousand times before. A slightly different question can lead to a completely different conversation, whether you’re talking with a friend, partner, family member, coworker, or someone you’re just getting to know. Here are 25 things to ask instead of “How are you?” that might get you past “I’m fine” and into a conversation that actually means something.
13. What would you be doing if you didn’t have to work today?
14. What’s something good that happened recently?
15. What’s been challenging you lately?
16. What are you excited about these days?
17. What’s taking up the most space in your head right now?
18. What’s something you wish you had more time for?
19. What’s been giving you energy lately?
20. What’s been draining your energy lately?
21. What’s one thing you wish people would ask you about?
22. What’s something going on in your life that you haven’t had a chance to talk about?
23. What happened with [bring up something you had a conversation about recently, e.g., the dinner party they were planning, the puppy they were thinking about getting, etc.]?
24. How is your [family member] doing?
25. Offer a sincere compliment!
Bonus Section: Conversation Starters with Your Manager
For a boss, keep them warm and personable without getting too personal:
1. How’s your week going so far?
2. What’s been keeping you busiest lately?
3. Is there anything you’re looking forward to this week?
4. Has it been a pretty manageable week, or one of those weeks?
5. What’s been the highlight of your week so far?
These work because they give your boss something specific to respond to without putting them in the awkward position of having to disclose anything personal.
Bonus Section: Conversation Starters for Someone You’re Just Getting to Know (Including First Date Questions!)
1. What’s something you could talk about for hours?
2. What does your perfect weekend look like?
3. What’s something you’re looking forward to right now?
4. What’s something people are usually surprised to learn about you?
5. What have you been really into lately?
These stay light enough for a newer relationship but give the other person room to share something more interesting than the usual job, weather, and weekend small talk.
Personality tests are fun. There’s something strangely satisfying about answering a few dozen questions and being handed a tidy description of who you are. You’re an INFJ. High in openness. An introvert. Suddenly, parts of your personality have names.
But knowing your personality type isn’t the same thing as knowing yourself.
“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
-Socrates
Real self-awareness is messier. It means noticing the things you avoid, the stories you tell yourself, what brings out the worst in you, what you secretly want, whose approval you’re still chasing, and whether the life you’re living actually resembles the one you want.
And those answers probably aren’t going to come from clicking “strongly agree” or “strongly disagree.”
The following 25 questions are designed to make you stop and think. Some are grounded in ideas from psychology. Others come from the kinds of questions that tend to reveal something when we’re willing to sit with them for longer than a few seconds. There are no scores, types, or results at the end.
You may not have an immediate answer to every question. In fact, the ones you struggle to answer may be the most interesting ones.
So, forget about figuring out what personality “type” you are for a moment.
Let’s figure out who you actually are. No personality test needed.
1. What do you pretend not to care about because you’re afraid you won’t get it?
Is it money? Popularity? Success? A relationship? Having close friends? Something else? This question gets at self-protection, avoidance, fear of failure, rejection, and the ways people sometimes downgrade their desires when pursuing them feels risky.
Think about the moments when you feel most natural and unselfconscious. Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with? What parts of you show up in those moments that you might suppress elsewhere?
The answer can reveal quite a bit about the environments, relationships, and activities that allow you to live most authentically.
3. What do you judge other people for most harshly?
Think about the behaviors or traits that trigger an unusually strong reaction in you. Laziness? Arrogance? Neediness? Attention-seeking? Selfishness? Weakness?
Our strongest judgments can sometimes reveal our own values, insecurities, fears, or traits we work hard to suppress. The point isn’t to assume every judgment is secretly about you. It’s to get curious about why certain behaviors bother you so much more than others.
4. What are you still trying to prove, and to whom?
Maybe you’re trying to prove that you’re successful, intelligent, attractive, independent, lovable, or that someone was wrong about you.
Now ask the harder question: If that person could never see what you accomplished, would you still want it just as badly?
5. What do you envy the most in other people?
Envy is uncomfortable, so we tend to dismiss it or feel guilty about it. But it can also contain useful information.
Instead of asking, “Why am I envious of this person?” ask, “What do they have that I wish I had?”
Maybe it’s freedom, confidence, recognition, close friendships, creativity, money, adventure, or simply the ability to stop caring what everyone thinks.
Sometimes envy points directly toward a desire you haven’t allowed yourself to admit.
6. What do you keep saying you want to change but repeatedly choose not to?
Maybe it’s leaving a bad relationship, setting a boundary, exercising, spending less, changing careers, going to bed earlier, or finally starting something you’ve talked about for years.
Instead of asking why you “can’t” change, ask what staying the same is doing for you.
“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.”
-Lao Tzu
Even behaviors we dislike can serve a purpose. They may keep us comfortable, protect us from failure, help us avoid uncertainty, or allow us to hold onto something we aren’t ready to lose. Understanding that payoff can tell you more than simply labeling yourself as an unmotivated or undisciplined personality.
7. What makes you defensive?
Pay attention to the comments, questions, or criticisms that make you immediately want to explain yourself, argue back, shut down, or prove someone wrong.
Defensiveness doesn’t automatically mean the other person is right. But when something consistently gets under your skin, it may be worth asking why.
Sometimes the things we defend most fiercely are sitting close to something we’re not entirely comfortable admitting to ourselves.
8. Who are you when no one is looking?
Think beyond obvious behaviors. How do you spend your time when there’s no one to impress, disappoint, compete with, or answer to? What do you read, eat, watch, create, think about, or neglect?
The version of you that exists without an audience can reveal a lot. Sometimes it shows what you genuinely enjoy. Other times, it exposes just how much of your everyday behavior is shaped by expectations, approval, and the desire to be seen a certain way.
9. What are you tolerating that you know is making your life worse?
It could be a relationship, a job, a habit, an obligation, a cluttered home, a financial problem, or even the way someone regularly speaks to you.
We tend to think of major life problems as things that happen to us. But sometimes what drains us most is something we have gradually learned to tolerate.
Ask yourself: If nothing about this situation changed for the next five years, how would I feel?
Your answer may tell you whether something is merely annoying or whether you’ve been avoiding a decision that needs to be made.
10. Whose approval still matters to you more than you’d like to admit?
Maybe it’s a parent, a partner, an old friend, a boss, an ex, or even someone who is no longer part of your life.
Now imagine they never give you the validation you’ve been hoping for. They never acknowledge what you accomplished, apologize, understand you, or finally say, “You were right.”
What would you do differently if you stopped waiting for it?
Sometimes we don’t realize how much power we’ve given someone until we imagine living without their approval.
11. What do you complain about but never change?
Maybe you complain that people always ask too much of you, but you rarely say no. You resent being the responsible one, but immediately take over when someone else struggles. You say you want more time for yourself, but fill every empty space with another obligation.
This isn’t about blaming yourself for circumstances you can’t control. It’s about noticing where you might have more influence than you think.
“I’m not complaining. I’m just providing a detailed verbal report of everything that is wrong.”
Sometimes the patterns that frustrate us are also patterns we unknowingly participate in maintaining.
12. What would you do if you knew no one would ever know about it?
Not something unethical. Think about accomplishment and recognition.
Would you still write the book if your name weren’t on the cover? Get the degree if nobody knew you had it? Travel somewhere beautiful if you couldn’t post a single photo? Help someone if you could never tell anyone about it?
There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting recognition. Humans are social creatures, and being seen matters to us. But this question can help separate what you genuinely value from what you value partly because of how it makes you look to other people.
13. What version of your personality are you still trying to get back?
Maybe you miss who you were before a breakup, illness, loss, failure, career change, parenthood, or simply getting older. Or perhaps you miss a version of yourself who felt more confident, ambitious, carefree, attractive, energetic, or hopeful.
But what if that person isn’t someone you’re supposed to become again?
We can spend years measuring ourselves against an earlier version of who we were, without noticing who we’re becoming now. Ask yourself what you genuinely miss about that person, what you’ve gained since then, and which parts of your old identity you may be ready to stop chasing.
14. What are you afraid people would discover about your personality if they knew you really well?
Maybe you worry they’d discover that you’re insecure, needy, jealous, lonely, angry, less confident than you appear, or that you don’t have nearly as much figured out as people think.
Then ask yourself: What would it mean about you if someone knew this and stayed anyway?
The parts of ourselves we work hardest to hide can reveal where shame has taken root. And sometimes what feels like a terrible secret about who we are is actually an ordinary part of being human.
15. When was the last time you changed your mind about something important?
Think about a belief you once held strongly about relationships, success, parenting, politics, religion, mental health, yourself, or how life is supposed to work.
What changed your mind? New evidence? Personal experience? Someone you trusted? Or simply becoming a different person?
“I reserve the right to change my mind. It’s one of the few signs I have one.”
-Unknown
Being able to revise our beliefs is an important form of self-awareness. If you can’t remember the last time you were genuinely wrong about something important, it may be worth asking whether you’ve become very good at defending your beliefs rather than examining them.
16. What do you keep postponing until you become a different version of yourself?
Maybe you’ll travel when you lose weight. Date when you feel more confident. Write the book when you have more time. Apply for the job when you feel qualified. Wear the clothes when your body changes. Start living once you’re happier, healthier, richer, braver, or more put together.
Ask yourself what your life would look like if that future version of you never arrived.
Sometimes self-improvement quietly turns into self-rejection. You can work toward becoming someone different without requiring your current self to sit in the waiting room until then.
17. What are you doing because you actually want to, and what are you doing because it’s what someone like you is “supposed” to want?
Think about your career, relationships, home, appearance, hobbies, goals, and even how you spend your free time. How many of your choices reflect what genuinely matters to you, and how many reflect the life you learned you were supposed to build?
It can be surprisingly difficult to separate desire from expectation. Sometimes we pursue a goal for so long that we never stop to ask whether we still want the thing waiting at the finish line.
Think of someone you have a strong negative reaction to. Not someone who has seriously harmed you, but someone who simply gets under your skin.
Now get specific. What exactly bothers you about their personality? Are they arrogant? Loud? Needy? Fake? Self-centered? Overly confident? Attention-seeking? Passive? Controlling?
Then ask the more interesting question: Why does that particular quality bother you so much?
Sometimes dislike tells us about our values. Sometimes it points to qualities we fear in ourselves, traits we’ve been taught to suppress, or freedoms we don’t give ourselves permission to have. And sometimes, of course, we dislike someone simply because they behave badly.
The useful part isn’t deciding which explanation is correct. It’s being curious about why this particular person brings out such a strong reaction in you.
19. What are your biggest regrets?
Think about the decisions you wish you could undo, but also the things you never did: the chance you didn’t take, the person you didn’t tell, the place you didn’t go, or the version of yourself you were too afraid to become.
Now look for the pattern.
Do your regrets tend to involve playing it too safe? Trusting the wrong people? Staying too long? Leaving too soon? Caring too much about what others thought? Not appreciating something until it was gone?
Regret hurts, but it also contains information. Your biggest regrets can reveal what you value, what you wish you had prioritized, and what you may want to do differently with the life you still have.
20. What do you wish people understood about your personality without you having to explain it?
Maybe you wish people understood that your quietness isn’t disinterest, your independence doesn’t mean you don’t need anyone, your humor sometimes hides hurt, or that something others consider insignificant actually matters deeply to you.
Now ask yourself whether you’ve ever actually told them.
We often want other people to understand parts of us that we’ve never clearly shown them. The answer to this question can reveal not only what you want others to see, but what you may have difficulty expressing, asking for, or allowing yourself to need.
21. What are you most afraid of losing?
Don’t stop at the obvious answer. If you’re afraid of losing your job, what does the job represent: security, identity, status, purpose, independence? If you fear losing a relationship, is it the person, the companionship, the future you imagined, or the fear of being alone?
Our fears about loss often reveal what we’ve built our sense of safety and identity or personality around.
Then take it one step further: Who would you be without it?
That question can show you the difference between something you deeply value and something you’ve come to believe you need in order to be okay.
22. What do you keep forgiving in other people that you wouldn’t forgive in yourself?
Maybe you give other people permission to be tired, make mistakes, change their minds, need help, fall apart, or take time to figure things out. Yet when you do the same thing, you call yourself lazy, weak, selfish, or a failure.
Pay attention to that double standard.
The rules you create for yourself can reveal a lot about your self-worth, expectations, and where you learned that you had to earn the compassion you freely give to everyone else.
23. Are your beliefs actually yours, or did you inherit them from someone else?
Think about what you believe about success, money, relationships, marriage, parenting, religion, politics, work, morality, aging, and what makes someone a “good” person.
Where did those beliefs come from?
Your family? Your culture? A religious community? Friends? School? Social media? A painful experience? Someone whose approval mattered to you?
We absorb ideas about how the world works long before we’re old enough to examine them. Some become genuine values we would choose again. Others remain simply because we’ve never thought to question them.
Pick one belief you consider fundamental to your personality and ask yourself: If I had grown up in a completely different family, culture, or part of the world, would I still believe this?
You don’t have to abandon an inherited belief just because you inherited it. But there’s a difference between inheriting a belief and consciously choosing to keep it.
24. What would you do differently if you stopped worrying about disappointing people?
Think about the choices you might make if no one else’s expectations were involved. Would you change careers? End or begin a relationship? Say no more often? Move somewhere else? Create something? Rest? Speak more honestly? Stop maintaining a version of your personality that other people have grown comfortable with?
Now ask yourself whose disappointment you’re most afraid of.
Caring about other people is not a weakness, and our choices inevitably affect those around us. But there’s a difference between considering other people and organizing your entire life around avoiding their disapproval.
Sometimes the life we’re afraid to choose tells us something important about the life or personality we actually want.
25. If your life stayed exactly as it is now, would you be okay with how you spent it?
Imagine that nothing dramatically changes. You keep roughly the same routines, relationships, priorities, habits, worries, and ways of spending your time. Years pass.
Would that be enough?
Not every life needs to be extraordinary. You don’t need to travel the world, write a book, become wealthy, find your “purpose,” or reinvent yourself. But you should probably recognize your own life while you’re living it.
If the answer is no, don’t immediately ask yourself how to change your entire personality or life.
Ask something smaller and more uncomfortable:
What do I already know I need to change that I keep pretending I don’t know?
You probably didn’t come away from these questions with a neat four-letter code or a label that explains your personality. That’s the point. Human beings are complicated, contradictory, and constantly changing. You can be confident in one room and insecure in another. Generous and selfish. Brave and afraid. Completely certain about what you want, only to realize five years later that you were chasing something you never really wanted at all.
Self-awareness isn’t about arriving at a final answer about your personality. It’s about becoming curious enough to notice your patterns, question your assumptions, and occasionally admit something to yourself that you would rather not admit. You don’t need to change every uncomfortable thing you discovered here, either. Just pay attention to it. Because perhaps the most important question isn’t “What is my personality?” It’s “Am I paying enough attention to the person I’m becoming?”
Think you’ve got a solid handle on diagnostic criteria and clinical distinctions? This DSM-5-TR (Part 1) quiz will put your knowledge to the test. You’ll review core features, duration requirements, and differentiating symptoms across a variety of disorders—just like you’ll see on the NCE and in real clinical practice. Take your time, trust what you know, and notice where you might want a little more review. Let’s get started.
Once you’re finished with Part 1, move on to Part 2. If you’re studying for the NCE, you may also want to consider taking the free NCE 2025-2026 Practice Exam.
Understanding Prolonged Grief Disorder in Clinical Practice
Grief is a universal human experience. Most of us, at some point, will lose someone we love—and the emotional pain that follows is not something to “fix,” pathologize, or rush. But there are times when grief doesn’t soften. It doesn’t shift. It doesn’t make room for life again. Instead, it remains intense, consuming, and disruptive long after the loss.
This isn’t “just grief.” It’s not weakness. It’s not resistance. It’s not a failure to cope.
It may be Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD)—a clinical condition recognized in the DSM-5-TR, characterized by sustained longing, identity disruption, and functional impairment that doesn’t resolve with time alone.
As clinicians, we need to know how to distinguish adaptive grief from clinically significant prolonged grief, without rushing to diagnose, minimize, or invalidate. That requires clarity, competence, and respect for cultural and individual mourning practices.
To support that work, I’ve created a 10-module clinical training on Prolonged Grief Disorder designed for counselors, social workers, psychologists, bereavement specialists, and anyone providing grief-informed care. The training is evidence-based, clinically practical, and grounded in trauma-informed, person-centered practice.
You’ll learn how to:
Recognize the clinical presentation of PGD
Differentiate PGD from depression and PTSD
Conduct appropriate assessment and screening
Understand risk patterns and diagnostic nuance
Apply core treatment approaches supported by research
The aim is simple: No pathologizing grief. No guessing in diagnosis. No forcing closure. Just clear, competent, compassionate clinical care.
Grief doesn’t follow rules, and prolonged grief disorder is more than “taking too long to move on.” This training cuts through the confusion.
We’ll break down the core symptoms, explore what makes grief become prolonged, and walk step-by-step through how Prolonged Grief Treatment approaches healing. If you work with clients who feel stuck, overwhelmed, or disconnected after a loss, this training gives you practical tools you can start using right away.
Most people think of a cane as a simple mobility aid—something for balance, a sign of aging, or a marker of weakness. I never thought much about them myself… until I had a stroke. This is my stro-called life now.
Suddenly, a cane wasn’t just a stick with a handle. It was possibility. It was strategy. It was even a little bit of power. And it stirred up something complicated in me—part shameless, part protective, part pride.
I don’t remember exactly how the cane was first introduced—whether it was handed to me or just left leaning against a chair at IRC. But I remember this:
I wanted it.
Not for balance. Not for stability. But because it might get me off the fall-risk list while I was in rehab. And if I’m being brutally honest, because it might let me board planes first—before first class. (I travel a lot, and yes, I’m shameless enough to view a mobility aid as a golden ticket.)
Here’s an excerpt from my new memoir, My Stro-Called Life: Notes from the Brain That Betrayed Me:
My Stro-Called Life: Notes from the Brain That Betrayed Me
Okay, and maybe I like the idea of a statement cane—something bold, like one topped with a gilded dragon egg. Or a discreet weapon I’d never actually use but can fantasize about wielding in some artful, heroic act. Not that I’m violent. I’m very anti-violence. But the image of a perfectly timed cane whack? Makes me smile.
“Then something Tookish woke up inside him, and he wished to go … and wear a sword instead of a walking‑stick.”
-J. R. R. Tolkien
Also, I have another, quieter reason for wanting the cane. I know I’m different now—slower, off in ways I can’t always pinpoint but others can probably sense.
The cane would be a kind of shield, a visible explanation for my invisible disability. Instead of people wondering, What’s wrong with her?, the cane would answer for me. It would give context. It would give me cover. If I stumbled, forgot something, or acted a little strange, the cane would speak before anyone had to ask.
…
Pre-Stroke Brain: So… we’re actually excited about a cane now?
Post-Stroke Brain: [Is excited and lies] Not excited. Just… it’s strategic. This bad boy could be our ticket off the fall-risk list.
Pre-Stroke Brain: Uh-huh. And the priority boarding thing?
Post-Stroke Brain: Obviously.
Pre-Stroke Brain: And the fantasy about a cane topped with a dragon egg?
Post-Stroke Brain: Yes?
Pre-Stroke Brain: Or the imaginary person you’re mentally whacking with said dragon-egg-cane?
Post-Stroke Brain: They earned it. Every. Single. Whack. [Snorts in laughter]
Pre-Stroke Brain: Right. Totally. And the part where you want it so people won’t wonder what’s “wrong” with you?
Post-Stroke Brain: [Somber now] Yeah… that part’s real. It feels safer when the cane explains me before I have to.
Pre-Stroke Brain: Or maybe it just explains what you think people are wondering.
Post-Stroke Brain: Maybe. But if it makes them pause before they jump to conclusions? I’ll take that trade-off.
Pre-Stroke Brain: Fair enough.
…
My dad, on the other hand, genuinely needs a cane—his mobility is limited—but he chooses not to use it.
I think, for him, it’s about pride. He doesn’t want to be seen as disabled. He’d rather stumble his way through the world than carry something that signals vulnerability. It’s interesting, really—how we see the same object so differently. For him, a cane represents weakness. For me, it feels like armor.
“I put my armor on, I’ll show you that I am”
-Sia
I used to roll my eyes at my dad’s stubbornness. Now I wonder if I’m any less prideful—just in a different way.
He resists the cane because it reveals something he doesn’t want the world to see.
I reach for it because it reveals something I need the world to understand.
Maybe we’re both just trying to control the narrative in a world that often jumps to conclusions.
And honestly, maybe I also like the idea that, with a cane, I can be the one who’s noticed for something, instead of judged.
It’s not just about mobility or boarding planes early. It’s about context. It’s about walking into a room and having a silent explanation for the moments when my words get stuck or my processing lags. A visual cue that says: Don’t judge me too quickly. There’s a reason. And it’s now my stro-called life.
No release date yet—because writing this memoir, much like stroke recovery, takes patience, persistence, and more than a little creativity. But like the cane, it’s also a shield—something that helps me steady myself while letting the world know what’s really going on. Just like the cane became my unexpected armor, this book is becoming a way to carry the story forward—with humor, honesty, and resilience. When it’s ready, you’ll be the first to know. Until then, stay tuned for more glimpses into a journey that proves strength sometimes comes disguised as a stumble.
My brain broke in the night, and by the time I reach the hospital, it is already too late. This is my stro-called life.
“Nothing prepares you for the moment your brain betrays you—not training, not experience, not even a lifetime of helping others.”
When the paramedics rush me to the ER, a code stroke is called immediately. But I am already outside the window for treatment. The clot came and went in the night, leaving its damage behind. What follows isn’t the dramatic chaos you might expect if you’re a fan of Grey’s Anatomy, but something stranger: a fog of hunger, humiliation, and denial that became my first real taste of my stro-called life.
Here’s an excerpt from my new memoir, My Stro-Called Life: Notes from the Brain That Betrayed Me:
My Stro-Called Life: Notes From the Brain That Betrayed Me
The first few days are mostly a blur, thanks to the edema in my brain—time passes in disjointed fragments stitched together by fluorescent lights and the steady beeping of machines. The thing I remember clearly is how hungry I am—and how I’m not allowed to eat. It feels absurdly unfair. What kind of place is this, anyway? A steady stream of doctors, nurses, and specialists file in, each asking different versions of the same questions. My response never changes: “Can I have something to eat?”
Then, a remarkably handsome doctor with kind eyes enters, and my spirits lift. Eagerly, I report my most pressing concern: I am starving. His face, however, falls with genuine disappointment.
“I was hoping you were going to report having a bowel movement,” he replies. While he doesn’t bring me food, Dr. Morven proves to be one of the most caring and attentive doctors I’ve ever encountered, and I am fortunate to have him on my team.
That said, apparently, pooping is a big deal after a stroke. A stroke can damage the part of the brain that controls bowel function. More on this later.
Swallow Test + Fall Risk
No food until I pass a swallow test. The objective is straightforward: sip water without choking. A speech-language pathologist supervises. I’m parched and overly confident. I fail spectacularly—choking on the water as it goes down the wrong pipe.
My mom is right there, trying to advocate for me, saying I’m just overeager from hunger and thirst. But my excitement isn’t enough for a pass.
Each denied meal feels like my body reminding me: you’re not in control anymore.
Although the timeline is hazy—it feels like hour, maybe days—before I am allowed to attempt the swallow test again. This time, I pass. No coughing, no choking, no signs of aspiration. I am finally cleared for real food.
My reward? A tray of unidentifiable lukewarm hospital fare: rubbery beige stuff and something that might have once been fruit. It is objectively unappetizing—and I devour it like it’s a five-star meal.
I’m not entirely sure why I’m labeled a “fall-risk.” (It turns out I am temporarily paralyzed on my entire left side, which makes a decent case for it. Funny, the things we remember—and the things we forget.) This means I’m not allowed to get out of bed without assistance from medical staff—including for basic things like using the bathroom. But ever the rebel (or just impatient), I routinely get up on my own. As a result, my bed is alarmed. I pay it no mind, getting up and moving, er, swaying, about as I please, which not only sets off the alarm, but the nurses too.
In my defense, it’s not like I’m doing this alone. I’ve got company—two voices in my head who can’t agree on anything. Pre-Stroke Brain: practical, easily annoyed, and annoyingly responsible. Post-Stroke Brain: impulsive, distractible, and weirdly enthusiastic about bad ideas. This is now my stro-called life.
Pre-Stroke Brain: Wait… we need medical clearance to drink water now?
Post-Stroke Brain: Yeah. Apparently, difficulty swallowing and choking on liquids is a whole thing after a stroke. It’s called dysphagia.
Pre-Stroke Brain: Oh. And everyone’s suddenly invested in our bowel habits?
Post-Stroke Brain: Deeply invested. It’s a group project!
Pre-Stroke Brain: Fantastic.
Post-Stroke Brain: At least we passed the second swallow test. Even if all it earned us was a tray of hospital slop.
Pre-Stroke Brain: You inhaled it though.
Post-Stroke Brain: It was sustenance. We’re wasting away here.
Pre-Stroke Brain: And now we’re on fall risk?
Post-Stroke Brain: Yep.
Pre-Stroke Brain: So you get up on your own.
Post-Stroke Brain: Every chance I get!
Pre-Stroke Brain: Classic. Still trying to outrun your own limitations.
Post-Stroke Brain: Better than giving in to them
The things that horrify pre-stroke brain are the same things post-stroke brain finds funny—or can’t be bothered to care about anymore.
My hospital stay wasn’t heroic, inspiring, or anything close to Grey’s Anatomy. It was fluorescent lights that never dimmed, bed alarms that shrieked if I so much as shifted the wrong way, and trays of rubbery beige food I devoured like it was five-star cuisine because I was that desperate.
It was strangers monitoring my bathroom habits, and my dignity circling the drain faster than the purple dye bleeding from my hair. Survival didn’t look triumphant—it looked awkward, humiliating, and sometimes funny in ways I wish it weren’t. But if I can laugh at hospital slop and bed alarms, I can survive just about anything.
Still no release date—because writing a memoir is a lot like my stro-called life: messy, unpredictable, and never on anyone’s timeline. But when it’s ready, you’ll be the first to know. Stay tuned for more excerpts—stories that prove recovery isn’t always pretty, but it can be pretty hilarious. After all, if I can survive having my bodily functions monitored and charted, you can survive waiting for the book.
“Recovery isn’t always pretty, but it can be pretty hilarious.”
We often think lasting health change requires a big lifestyle overhaul—strict routines, bold resolutions, or a sudden surge of motivation. But in reality, meaningful improvement usually starts with something much smaller: small habits-consistent, doable habits that fit easily into your day.
As a practicing doctor, I’ve seen this firsthand. Many of my patients assume they need to transform their lives to feel better. But time and again, it’s the tiniest daily actions—the small habits that require no special tools and only a few minutes—that lead to the most reliable results. These “micro-habits” are deceptively powerful. They reduce stress, improve sleep, and slowly nudge the body and mind toward resilience.
Let’s explore a few of these low-effort, high-impact habits—along with the science that explains why they work.
Breathing for Calm: One Minute Can Change Your Day
Modern life keeps our nervous systems revved up. From tight deadlines to nonstop notifications, it’s easy to get stuck in a constant low-grade “fight-or-flight” mode. But your body also has a built-in brake: the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps you relax and recover.
A simple breathing pattern can help you access that state. Try this small habit: inhale for four seconds, hold for six, and exhale slowly for eight. Just one minute a day. Research shows that slow, controlled breathing lowers heart rate, reduces blood pressure, and activates the vagus nerve—a key pathway for relaxation and stress recovery.
This one-minute breathing routine is easy to anchor to your day. Try it in the morning before coffee, during a break at work, or while waiting at a red light. Over time, it trains your body to downshift more easily from stress, which can lead to better sleep, sharper focus, and fewer physical symptoms like headaches or muscle tension.
We don’t often think of posture as a health issue, but how we sit and stand influences far more than appearance. Slouching restricts breathing, tenses muscles, and can subtly impact mood and alertness. Over time, poor posture can lead to back pain, fatigue, and shallow breathing.
That’s why a simple one-minute posture reset—once or twice a day—can go a long way. Stand or sit tall. Relax your shoulders. Breathe in deeply and gently tuck your chin. It’s not about perfection. It’s about awareness.
Interestingly, posture doesn’t just affect the body—it may also influence the mind. Research suggests that upright posture is associated with more positive emotions and reduced symptoms of depression, while slouched posture can increase self-focus and negative affect.
This small habit will help you reconnect to your body and move through your day with more intention. And as posture improves, many people report feeling more energetic and emotionally grounded.
When it comes to nutrition, many people get overwhelmed by rules and restrictions. But you don’t need a meal plan or a supplement stack to make meaningful changes. Start with one daily swap, just one small habit. Choose water instead of soda. Add a handful of vegetables to lunch. Pick whole grains over refined ones.
These choices may not seem like much on their own—but they build momentum. They reduce blood sugar spikes, improve digestion, and gradually shift your taste preferences. Perhaps even more importantly, they reinforce a powerful message: I’m someone who takes care of my body.
You don’t have to overhaul your diet to be “healthy.” You just have to keep choosing what supports you, one bite at a time.
Gratitude as a Mental Health Tool & Powerful Small Habit
You’ve probably heard that gratitude is good for you—but the real power lies in how easy it is to practice. Before bed, pause and notice one thing that went well today. A kind word from a friend. A meal you enjoyed. A quiet moment.
That’s it. No journal, no timer, no need for perfect phrasing. Just a brief mental note of what brought you comfort or joy.
There’s strong research behind the benefits of gratitude. People who practice it regularly report lower stress and fewer symptoms of depression. Some studies also suggest a link to better sleep. In fact, gratitude has been shown to trigger positive neural activity in the brain and help regulate the emotional centers that influence anxiety and mood.
You don’t have to “feel grateful” all the time. But building this 30-second small habit can help train your brain to notice what’s going right, even during tough times.
Movement Stacking: Small Habits for Exercise That Hide in Plain Sight
If you’re too busy for a workout, try pairing light movement with something you already do—like brushing your teeth. While standing at the sink, do a few calf raises. March in place. Try some gentle squats or heel-to-toe balances.
It might feel silly at first, but two minutes of movement, twice a day, adds up. It improves circulation, strengthens stabilizing muscles, and reminds your body that it was built to move.
From a doctor’s perspective, this kind of “habit stacking” is incredibly effective. It reduces friction—there’s no need to carve out gym time or change clothes—and it turns physical activity into a normal part of your daily rhythm. Over time, small bursts of movement have been linked to improvements in insulin sensitivity, cardiovascular fitness, and musculoskeletal strength—even in people with limited time. While more research is needed on their long-term cognitive effects, incorporating movement into daily routines remains a practical and evidence-supported way to support whole-body health.
Why These Small Habits Stick (Even When Life Gets Messy)
So what makes these small habits so powerful?
First, they’re easy. They don’t require a major time commitment or a change in identity. You don’t need to become “a fitness person” or “someone who meditates.” You just need to breathe for a minute, stand a little taller, or choose an apple instead of chips.
Second, they create positive feedback loops. When your body feels calmer, or your digestion improves, or you sleep a bit better—you’re more likely to stick with the habit. And when habits are consistent, they start to shift your baseline experience of health.
Finally, these practices support multiple body systems at once. Breathing regulates your nervous system. Posture supports your musculoskeletal and respiratory health. Nutrition feeds your gut and immune system. Gratitude strengthens your emotional resilience. Movement improves metabolism and mobility.
From a medical standpoint, these small habits also support key systems: the autonomic nervous system (for stress), the musculoskeletal system (for posture and movement), metabolic and digestive function (through dietary shifts), and the brain (via gratitude and emotional regulation). That’s a lot of benefit for a few minutes of effort.
Final Thoughts on Small Habits
Health isn’t something we flip on with willpower. It’s something we build—through the quiet, repeatable moments we often overlook. The breath before a meeting. The snack you reach for. The way you sit at your desk. These are the places where health is shaped—not in grand gestures, but in small, meaningful shifts.
So if you’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed, start tiny. Start now. A minute of calm. A better snack. A deeper breath.
Because sometimes the smallest habits make the biggest difference.
About the Author
Dr. Antti Rintanen is a licensed medical doctor and the founder of The Internet Doctor, a platform dedicated to translating complex health science into practical guidance. His focus includes musculoskeletal health, postural alignment, and long-term wellness strategies.
References
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Katz S., Arish N., Rokach A., et al. (2018). The effect of body position on pulmonary function: A systematic review. BMC Pulm Med; 18(1):159. doi:10.1186/s12890-018-0723-4. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/
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Emmons R .A. , & McCullough, M.E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. J Pers Soc Psychol;84(2):377–389. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/
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Stroke recovery isn’t just physical therapy sessions. It’s also cheap soap, supervised showers, and the kind of indignities no one tells you about, and it’s my stro-called life.
Here’s an excerpt from my new memoir, My Stro-Called Life: Notes from the Brain That Betrayed Me:
My Stro-Called Life: Notes From the Brain That Betrayed Me
I’m naked, parked on a damp blue shower pad like a soggy noodle, gripping a handheld showerhead and lathering myself with cheap, hospital-issued green goo that smells faintly of mint and despair. It’s an all-in-one shampoo/body wash situation, the kind that promises convenience but delivers dry, scaly skin that later flakes off in my sweatpants.
My left side feels like it belongs to someone else. I reach for the shampoo and my arm ignores me. So I clamp the handheld between my knees to free up my right hand, which mostly results in surprise sprays to the face—or dropping it so it flails on the floor, misting the entire bathroom.
Orla, my assigned shower chaperone and occupational therapist, is seated just outside the stall.
A thin plastic curtain separates us, flapping open at both ends to let in cold air and awkwardness—and giving her a clear view of the spectacle if she decides to look. I’m sure she glances over now and then to make sure I’m safe, but it’s subtle enough that I don’t catch it (thankfully). To her credit, she never stares. If she does, she’d see me in all my naked glory: ghostly pale, skinny but flabby, bruised like a banana from failed IV attempts, and with random patches of grimy medical adhesive still sticking to my skin. (The green hospital goo is no match for medical adhesive.)
As I scrub my armpit, it makes a loud, wet squelch. Orla, ever polite and probably assuming it was the last bit of goo being squeezed from the bottle, asks if I need more gel. I don’t correct her. I’d rather let her think it was the bottle than admit it was my own armpit betraying me.
“No,” I call out. “I’m fine.”
I keep scrubbing, trying to get clean while settled into a shower chair that’s probably hosted more naked bodies than I care to imagine, wrestling an unruly handheld showerhead, and shivering like a wet cat.
“Are you okay?” Orla asks—for what feels like the 27th time.
“I’m good,” I reply, my tone flat.
It’s my new post-stroke voice—monotone, devoid of inflection. Handy for keeping emotions under wraps, not so great for sounding like a fully functioning human. Still, a little peace and quiet while I lather my bits with institutional mint goo doesn’t seem like too much to hope for, right?
Stroke recovery = not exactly glamorous. This is one of many humiliating, hilarious, and strangely human moments I unpack in my memoir, My Stro-Called Life: Notes from the Brain That Betrayed Me. It’s not a story of triumph-over-tragedy—it’s a story about what happens when your brain betrays you and you’re left to rebuild with humor, honesty, and the occasional bottle of mint-scented despair.
No release date yet—because apparently writing a memoir is a lot like stroke recovery: messy, unpredictable, and not on anyone’s timeline. But when it’s ready, you’ll be the first to know. Stay tuned for more excerpts from my book, stories that prove recovery isn’t always pretty, but it can be pretty hilarious. Because if I can survive supervised showers and green hospital goo, you can survive waiting for the book.
Navigating love, intimacy, and relationships isn’t always easy—but it’s essential for our wellbeing. Whether you’re exploring your identity, healing from past experiences, improving communication with a partner, or just trying to understand yourself better, this collection of resources for love is here to support you. Below, you’ll find workbooks, guides, and tools that cover everything from setting boundaries and enhancing emotional intimacy to understanding consent and sexual health.
These resources are designed to empower people of all identities and relationship styles to create healthier, more fulfilling connections—with others and with themselves.
Disclaimer: All external content is the property of its respective creators. I am not responsible for the accuracy, content, or availability of linked materials. Please adhere to all copyright laws when using or sharing these resources.
Beducated Beducated offers free trial lessons on topics like tantric sex, sensual massage, oral sex techniques, and more. Courses are high-quality and video-based.
Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. If you’ve read Come As You Are, you know Emily Nagoski is one of the most influential voices in sex education. Her website features videos, worksheets, podcasts, and guides on sexual desire, body image, and pleasure science.
OMGYES While mostly paid, this evidence-based, pleasure-positive site offers free videos and science-backed insights into women’s pleasure. Great for couples looking to learn, not just guess.
Pleasure Mechanics Tons of free podcast episodes, guides, and email series on everything from sensual touch to kink curiosity. Smart, shame-free, and queer-inclusive.
Sexplanations with Dr. Doe A playful, science-based series of short YouTube videos covering everything from orgasms to aftercare to erotic novelty. Smart and entertaining—watch together and discuss after.
The Vulva Gallery An artistic, body-positive project that showcases real stories and illustrations of vulvas in all their diversity. A beautiful, affirming way for couples to explore body image, anatomy, and curiosity without shame.
Learn Your Love Language | Choose your version: Couples, Children’s Quiz, Teens, or Singles. An online assessment to determine your primary love language. (You are required to enter your information to get quiz results.)
Marital Satisfaction Scale | PDF assessment to evaluate marital satisfaction; click on link listed in “Interactive Section for Couples”
Disclaimer: The supplementary materials provided are intended to be used only in conjunction with purchased workbooks. These free resources are designed to enhance the learning and application of workbook contents and do not replace the full workbook itself. Distribution or use of these materials without the accompanying purchased workbook is not authorized.
Please do not duplicate, modify, or distribute these materials for commercial purposes. All content remains the intellectual property of the author and is protected under applicable copyright laws.
