Tag: self-awareness

For the next 24 hours, notice every single thing you complain about. Don’t try to stop. Just keep track. You might be surprised by what you find.

The coworker who drives you insane. The friend who never texts back. People who interrupt, brag, drive too slowly, chew too loudly, or abandon their shopping carts directly in the middle of the parking lot. On the surface, these complaints seem to be about other people. But look a little closer, and they may tell you far more about yourself.

The things we complain about repeatedly can point to our values, unmet needs, expectations, insecurities, boundaries, and the places in our lives where we feel powerless or dissatisfied. Even seemingly petty complaints can contain useful information.

I’m not going to tell you to stop complaining. I’m going to suggest the opposite. Pay attention to your complaints. They may be trying to tell you something.

Why We Complain in the First Place

Psychologist Robin Kowalski, who has extensively studied complaining, describes complaints as expressions of dissatisfaction that can serve several different purposes. Sometimes we complain simply to let off steam. Other times, complaining serves an internal psychological purpose, such as helping us process frustration or make sense of something that feels unfair. And sometimes the goal is social: we want sympathy, validation, agreement, support, or even action from the person listening.

Think about the difference between saying, “Traffic was absolutely horrible this morning,” and telling your partner, “I’m exhausted because I feel like I’m doing everything around here.” Neither statement necessarily comes with a direct request, but both may be doing something. The first might simply release frustration or invite someone to commiserate. The second might be an indirect attempt to communicate a need for help, recognition, or change.

That’s what makes complaining more interesting than it initially appears. We don’t complain because we expect someone to solve the problem. We want another person to understand how we feel. Sometimes we want confirmation that our reaction is reasonable. Sometimes we want someone to agree that what happened was unfair. And sometimes we may not consciously know what we want at all.

So when you catch yourself complaining, try asking a different question. Instead of, “Why am I being so negative?” ask, “What am I hoping to get from saying this?” The answer might be relief, connection, validation, change, or simply the experience of having someone say, “Yeah, that really does suck.”

In other words, a complaint isn’t meaningless negativity. It can be a signal that something about your experience doesn’t match what you want, expect, need, or believe should be happening. And if the same complaint keeps showing up, it may be worth figuring out what that signal is trying to tell you.

In one study, researchers had participants listen to statements describing either unpleasant or neutral situations, delivered in either a complaining or neutral tone of voice. Interestingly, the speaker’s tone mattered much more than what the person was actually complaining about. Listeners primarily recognized a complaint by how it was said, rather than by the situation being described.

The researchers suggested that this emotional quality serves an interpersonal purpose: complaining can signal distress and invite another person to empathize with us, potentially strengthening social connection. We don’t complain because we expect something to change. We complain because we want someone else to understand how we feel.

So maybe complaining isn’t something we need to feel bad about or try to eliminate altogether. Sometimes we just need to vent. Sometimes we want someone to agree with us. And sometimes we want another person to understand that something genuinely sucks. But if you keep complaining about the same thing over and over, that’s worth paying attention to. Instead of telling yourself to stop being so negative, ask yourself why this particular thing bothers you so much. What do you wish were different? What are you wanting from the person listening? Your complaints might be annoying sometimes, but they may also tell you something useful. You just have to listen to what you’re saying.

Your Complaints Reveal What You Value

Want to know what you really value? Skip the list of inspirational words and pay attention to what pisses you off.

The things that bother you most may offer surprisingly good clues about what matters to you. If you constantly complain about people being late, you may place a high value on reliability and respect for other people’s time. If dishonesty gets under your skin more than almost anything else, integrity may be especially important to you. Someone who frequently complains about unfair treatment may care deeply about fairness, while a person who becomes frustrated when others fail to follow through may place a high value on responsibility.

Even seemingly trivial complaints can contain clues. Being irritated by clutter might reflect a preference for order, while complaining about rigid rules could point to a strong need for autonomy. Of course, not every annoyance reveals some profound truth about your character, and your interpretation of someone else’s behavior isn’t necessarily accurate. But when the same kinds of things consistently get under your skin, it’s worth getting curious.

Ask yourself: “What feels like it’s being violated here?” Sometimes the answer is a value you didn’t realize mattered.

Your Complaints Can Point to an Unmet Need

Sometimes a complaint is really a request that never quite made it into words.

“I have to do everything around here.” “Nobody ever checks on me.” “My boss never notices how hard I work.” “We never spend time together anymore.” On the surface, these sound like complaints about other people. Underneath them, however, there may be something the person wants or needs: help, connection, appreciation, attention, rest, reassurance, respect, or simply to feel like they matter.

The problem is that complaining doesn’t always communicate the underlying need very well. “You never help me” tells someone what they’re doing wrong, but it doesn’t clearly say, “I’m overwhelmed, and I need you to take some of this off my plate.” Likewise, “You’re always on your phone” might really mean, “I miss you, and I want your attention.” When the need stays hidden inside the complaint, we may keep repeating ourselves without ever asking directly for what we actually want.

The next time you hear yourself making the same complaint for the tenth time, try finishing this sentence: “If this situation were different, I would have more xyz.” Maybe the answer is support. Freedom. Rest. Affection. Recognition. Privacy. Security. Control. Belonging. Whatever comes to mind may tell you more than the complaint itself.

A recurring complaint doesn’t automatically prove that you have an unmet need, and identifying a need doesn’t mean someone else is responsible for meeting it. But it does give you somewhere more useful to look. Instead of asking only, “What’s wrong with this situation?” ask, “What am I missing that I wish I had?”

Your Complaints Reveal Your Expectations

Sometimes what makes us angry isn’t what happened. It’s what we expected to happen instead.

Think about how many complaints contain an invisible “should.” My partner should know I need help. My friends should check in more often. People should drive faster. My boss should notice how hard I work. My kids should clean up after themselves without being asked. The restaurant should have better service. People should know not to talk during a movie.

We walk around with hundreds of expectations about how other people should behave, how relationships should work, how quickly things should happen, and even how life itself is supposed to go. Most of the time, we don’t notice these expectations until reality violates one of them. Then we get annoyed.

That doesn’t mean the expectation is unreasonable. Sometimes it’s completely reasonable. But our complaints can help make expectations visible that we didn’t even realize we had. If you find yourself repeatedly complaining about the same thing, try adding this question: “What did I expect to happen instead?”

You may discover that some of your expectations are perfectly fair and need to be communicated. Others may be unrealistic, outdated, or based on rules you never consciously chose in the first place. Either way, once you can see the expectation hiding underneath the complaint, you have something much more useful to work with.

Your Complaints May Be Telling You That You Need a Boundary

If you keep complaining about the same person doing the same thing, there’s a chance the problem isn’t just their behavior. It may also be that you haven’t decided what you’re going to do about it.

Maybe you complain that a friend calls only when they need something. Your coworker keeps dumping work on you. A family member asks questions that are none of their business. A coworker regularly takes credit for your work. Someone makes jokes at your expense, shows up unannounced, borrows things without asking, or expects you to drop everything whenever they need help.

Sometimes we keep hoping people will magically realize they’re crossing a line. Unfortunately, people are generally pretty terrible at reading boundaries we’ve never actually communicated.

Pay attention to complaints that contain phrases like “They always…” or “They keep…” Those can be clues that something has been bothering you for a while. Ask yourself: “What do I wish this person would stop doing?” Then ask the harder question: “Have I actually told them?”

A boundary doesn’t mean controlling what another person does. It means deciding what you will do when something happens. You can’t make someone stop calling you at 11 p.m., but you can stop answering. You can’t force someone to respect your privacy, but you can decide what information you share with them. You can’t prevent someone from asking you for favors, but you can say no.

Sometimes a recurring complaint is telling you that you don’t need to complain louder. You need to get clearer about what you’re willing to accept.

Your Complaints Can Reveal What You’re Avoiding

For this one, I’m not implying that every complaint is avoidance. But sometimes complaining lets us stay focused on what someone else is doing instead of confronting the part of the situation we can actually change.

Sometimes complaining is easier than doing something about the thing we’re complaining about.

We complain about a job we hate instead of looking for another one. We complain about a relationship without having the uncomfortable conversation we’ve been putting off. We complain that we never have enough time while continuing to say yes to things we don’t want to do. We complain about being lonely but turn down invitations because staying home feels easier. In situations like these, the complaint may be completely legitimate. But it can also keep our attention conveniently focused on the problem instead of what we might have to do next.

And sometimes what we’re avoiding isn’t an action. It’s a feeling. Anger can be easier to sit with than rejection, embarrassment, grief, disappointment, or fear. “People are selfish” may feel safer than admitting, “I feel hurt that nobody checked on me.”

This doesn’t mean you should respond to every complaint by blaming yourself or immediately trying to fix something. Plenty of situations really are unfair, frustrating, or outside your control. But when you hear yourself making the same complaint again and again, it’s worth asking: “Is there something here I don’t want to deal with?”

Maybe there isn’t. But sometimes the answer is painfully obvious once you’re willing to ask the question.

Your Complaints Can Reveal Where You Feel Powerless

Some of the things we complain about most are things we have absolutely no control over. Traffic. The weather. Other people’s decisions. The cost of everything. The person in front of you at the grocery store who waits until the cashier gives them the total before they even start looking for their wallet.

What else are we supposed to do sometimes besides complain?

When we feel powerless to change something, complaining can at least give us somewhere to put the frustration. We may not be able to fix the situation, but we can tell someone about it and hopefully get a little validation. Sometimes hearing another person say, “Yeah, that really sucks,” is enough.

But sometimes we complain about things we actually do have some control over. We complain about being overworked but keep saying yes. We complain about a friendship that leaves us drained but keep answering every call. We complain about how unhappy we are with something while convincing ourselves there’s nothing we can do about it.

That’s where it gets interesting.

If you keep complaining about the same thing, ask yourself: “Do I truly have no control over this, or do I just not like my options?”

Those are two very different things.

Sometimes the answer really is that you can’t change it. Life contains plenty of things that are unfair, annoying, painful, or completely outside our control. But other times, there is something you could do. You just might not particularly like what doing it would require.

Your complaints can help you figure out the difference.

Your Complaints May Reveal an Insecurity

One day, a friend came up with a nickname for me that really hit a nerve: “Assie.” Why did it bother me so much? For one, I wasn’t being an ass. But if I’m being honest, it probably stung because I want to be liked. I care about how other people see me, and I definitely don’t want anyone thinking of me as “Assie” instead of Cassie.

It was a stupid nickname, but my reaction to it told me something. If I genuinely didn’t care what anyone thought of me, it probably wouldn’t have bothered me nearly as much. Sometimes the things that get under our skin are irritating because they bump right up against an insecurity we already have.

Maybe you can’t stand people who brag because you’re uncomfortable talking about your own accomplishments. Maybe attention-seeking behavior drives you crazy because, if you’re being completely honest, you care quite a bit about what other people think of you too. Or maybe you’re unusually critical of someone else’s appearance during a time when you’re not feeling particularly great about your own.

Of course, this doesn’t mean everything you dislike about another person is secretly about you. Sometimes people really are annoying. Sometimes your coworker really does talk too much. Sometimes the guy at the gym really does need to stop filming himself in front of the only machine you want to use.

But every once in a while, your reaction is a little stronger than the situation seems to deserve. That’s when it might be worth asking, “Why does this bother me so much?”

And the answer might be uncomfortable.

Maybe they have something you want. Maybe they’re comfortable doing something you would never allow yourself to do. Maybe you recognize a trait in them that you don’t particularly like in yourself. Or maybe their behavior touches an insecurity you already had long before they showed up.

You don’t need to turn every complaint into a deep dive into your childhood. Just pay attention to the ones that have a little extra sting to them. Sometimes the thing that bothers you most about someone else can tell you something about yourself.

What You Hate in Other People Might Be Worth Examining

We all have certain types of people we just cannot stand.

Maybe it’s the know-it-all. The person who needs to be the center of attention. The chronic complainer (yes, I see the irony). The person who talks about themselves nonstop. The overly confident person. The interrupter. The lazy person. The person who somehow turns every conversation into a story about how much money they make.

Usually, we assume the explanation is simple: they’re annoying.

And maybe they are. But if a particular trait in another person consistently makes you want to crawl out of your skin, it might be worth asking why.

Sometimes we react strongly to traits we’re afraid we have ourselves. Other times, we dislike qualities we were taught were unacceptable. If you grew up believing that talking about your accomplishments was bragging, for example, someone who openly celebrates their success might rub you the wrong way. If you learned that being a “good” person meant always putting everyone else first, someone who confidently prioritizes their own needs might seem selfish.

And then there are the people who get away with things we secretly wish we could do. They say no without writing a three-paragraph apology. They take up space. They ask for what they want. They don’t seem particularly concerned about whether everyone likes them. Sometimes what looks like judgment has a little envy mixed in.

None of this means that every person you dislike is secretly teaching you something profound about yourself. Some people really are difficult. But if you find yourself complaining about the same trait in different people over and over again?

What exactly bothers you about it? What does that behavior mean to you? Where did you learn that it was bad? And, perhaps most interestingly, would you ever allow yourself to behave that way?

You might still decide the person is annoying. But at least now you’ll know why.

When Complaining Is Actually Good for You

Complaining gets a bad rap. We’re constantly told to stop complaining, be grateful, focus on the positive, and surround ourselves with “good vibes.” But sometimes complaining is exactly what we need to do.

Sometimes you’ve had a terrible day and you need to tell someone about it. You don’t need advice. You don’t need a gratitude exercise. You definitely don’t need someone pointing out that other people have it worse. You need five minutes to say, “This sucked,” while another human being listens.

There’s research to back this up. In a 2002 paper appropriately titled “Whining, Griping, and Complaining: Positivity in the Negativity,” Robin Kowalski argued that complaining isn’t inherently bad and can have personal, relational, interpersonal, and practical benefits. Complaining can help us express dissatisfaction, connect with other people, and sometimes actually do something about the problem.

And connection may be one of the more important benefits. Research on sharing negative emotional experiences has found that an empathic response from another person can increase feelings of closeness and reduce loneliness, at least temporarily. In other words, sometimes telling someone what went wrong and hearing, “I get it,” really can make us feel better.

Complaints can also accomplish something. They can draw attention to a problem, help us ask for change, and alert other people when something isn’t right. Plenty of things that genuinely need to change start with somebody being willing to say, “This isn’t okay.”

And sometimes complaining helps us figure out what’s actually bothering us. You might start out complaining about your boss and eventually realize you’re exhausted. Or complain about your partner leaving dishes in the sink and realize the dishes aren’t really the problem. You feel like you’re carrying more than your share.

So no, the goal isn’t to never complain again. That sounds both unrealistic and exhausting.

The more useful question is whether your complaining is doing anything for you. Did you feel better afterward? Did you understand the problem more clearly? Did you connect with someone? Did it lead to a conversation or change?

If so, complain away. Sometimes a good five-minute bitch session is exactly what the situation calls for.

When Complaining Becomes a Problem

Of course, there’s a point where complaining stops being helpful.

We all know someone who complains about everything. The weather is terrible. Their coworkers are idiots. Their family is impossible. The restaurant is too loud. The waiter is too slow. Spend enough time around someone like this and you start looking for an escape route.

The problem isn’t that they complain. We all complain. It’s that complaining has become their default way of interacting with the world.

Research on complaining suggests there can be social costs. Chronic complainers may be perceived more negatively by other people, and repeatedly expressing dissatisfaction can strain relationships, particularly when the listener feels like there’s nothing they can say or do that will help. Complaining can also become unproductive when we keep talking about the same problem without gaining insight, seeking a solution, accepting what we can’t change, or doing anything differently.

There’s also a difference between venting and getting stuck. Venting for five minutes to your friend after a miserable day might make you feel understood. Spending the next six months having the exact same conversation about your miserable job while refusing to consider any possible change probably isn’t doing much for you.

One question I like is: “Have I complained about this more times than I’ve tried to do something about it?”

Obviously, not every problem has a solution. Some situations really are unfair, painful, or outside your control. And sometimes you just need to complain because life is annoying.

But if you’re telling the same story to the same people and getting worked up about the same thing over and over, it might be time to ask whether complaining is helping you process the problem or simply helping you rehearse it. There’s a big difference.

Try This: Keep a Complaint Log for 24 Hours

Want to find out what your complaints are actually telling you? For one day, keep track of them.

Don’t try to complain less. Don’t judge yourself for complaining. And definitely don’t turn this into another self-improvement challenge where you’re supposed to be relentlessly positive for 24 hours. Just notice what comes out of your mouth. You might also include the complaints you never actually say out loud. The running commentary in your head absolutely counts.

Every time you catch yourself complaining, write down what you complained about and what was happening at the time. Then go one step further and ask yourself a few questions:

What bothered me about this?

What did I expect to happen instead?

What was I feeling?

Was there something I wanted or needed?

Was I hoping the person listening would agree with me, reassure me, help me, or simply understand?

Could I do anything about the situation?

By the end of the day, look for patterns. Maybe half your complaints are about people wasting your time. Maybe you complain whenever you feel ignored. Maybe most of your complaints happen at work, when you’re tired, or around one particular person. Maybe you discover that you complain about things you could actually change. Or maybe you realize that you really don’t complain as much as you thought you did.

Download the form below. Print as many copies as you think you’ll need.

Decode Your Complaints

Now comes the interesting part.

Look back at the complaints you recorded. Instead of focusing on what you complained about, look for what’s underneath it. You’re not trying to diagnose yourself or find some profound hidden meaning in every minor annoyance. Sometimes you’re irritated because someone is being irritating. But repeated complaints can be worth a second look.

Try translating your complaint into what it might actually be saying:

“I’m always the one who has to do everything.”
→ I need help. I’m overwhelmed. I may need to ask for support or say no more often.

“Nobody ever checks on me.”
→ I want to feel cared about and connected to other people.

“People are so inconsiderate.”
→ Consideration and respect may be especially important to me.

“My boss never notices anything I do.”
→ I want recognition. I want to know that my effort matters.

“They’re always late.”
→ I expected them to be on time. Reliability and respect for my time may matter a lot to me.

“She only calls when she needs something.”
→ This relationship feels one-sided. I may need a boundary.

“I hate people who brag.”
→ Why does confidence or self-promotion bother me? Is it simply obnoxious behavior, or does it touch something in me?

“There’s nothing I can do about it.”
→ Is that actually true, or do I just not like the options available to me?

“I hate my job.”
→ What exactly do I hate about it? The workload? The people? The lack of control? The commute? The work itself? What would need to change for me to feel differently?

The goal isn’t to replace one complaint with a neat psychological explanation. Human beings aren’t that simple. Think of these as questions, not conclusions.

The most useful question may be the simplest one: “What is this complaint really about?”

Sometimes the answer will be obvious. Sometimes you won’t have one. And sometimes you’ll realize that the thing you’ve been complaining about for months isn’t actually the thing that’s bothering you. Robin Kowalski’s work explicitly cautions against treating complaining as one simple behavior with one cause.

Closing Thoughts

I’m not going to tell you to stop complaining.

You’re going to complain.

I’m going to complain.

Sometimes life is frustrating, people are annoying, traffic is terrible, work is exhausting, and things genuinely aren’t fair. Pretending otherwise doesn’t make us healthier or happier. It just makes us people who are annoyed and trying really hard not to say it.

Instead, notice the complaints that keep coming back. Notice the people who seem to get under your skin more than everyone else. Notice what you think should be different, what you wish other people would do, and what you keep talking about without actually changing.

Maybe your complaint is pointing to something you value. Maybe you need help. Maybe you need a boundary. Maybe you expected something that was never actually promised. Maybe you’re avoiding a conversation you don’t want to have. Maybe you feel powerless. Maybe something hit an insecurity. Or maybe you’re just having a bad day and need five minutes to bitch about it.

Not every complaint contains some profound psychological truth. Complain if you need to. Just listen to yourself while you’re doing it.