Powerful TED Talks on Resilience, Empathy, & Compassion
1. Compassion and the True Meaning of Empathy | Joan Halifax (2011)
In this inspiring TED Talk, Joan Halifax shares about what she’s learned about compassion and true empathy. She has a deep insight into the nature of compassion, gained through her work with people in the end stages of their lives.
2. Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance | Angela Lee Duckworth (2013)
In this popular TED Talk, psychologist Angela Lee Duckworth explains how grit and determination, not IQ, are the biggest predictors of success.
3. How Do You Define Yourself? | Lizzie Velasquez (2014)
Lizzie Velasquez, once labeled the world’s ugliest woman, explores the ways in which we define ourselves. As one of the most powerful TED Talks on true beauty, this video empowers viewers to challenge society’s definitions of beauty, happiness, and success – and to decide for themselves how they’ll allow themselves to be defined.
4. How to Succeed in Every Moment Even When You’re Failing | Dr. Jill Stoddard (2020)
Dr. Jill Stoddard – clinical psychologist and author – challenges the notion that goal achievement is a measure of success. She explores alternative ways of thinking about failures in life.
5. Listening to Shame | Brené Brown (2012)
Brené Brown – researcher, professor, and author – explores what can happen when people confront their shame head-on. In this TED Talk she explains how shame is an epidemic and how it plays a major role in “broken” behaviors in our lives.
6. The Magic of Not Giving a F*** | Sarah Knight (2017)
Bestselling author Sarah Knight outlines her method for “not giving a fuck,” thereby putting a stop to spending time she doesn’t have, doing things she doesn’t want to do. One of the most powerful TED Talks on self-determination, Sarah Knight’s speech will leave you rethinking your own priorities (and fucks to give – or not to give) in life.
7. The Price of Shame | Monica Lewinsky (2015)
Monica Lewinsky delivers a compelling talk on public shaming and the “culture of humiliation” that exists today. From a woman who lost her personal reputation on a global scale back in 1998 – and who was able to survive by taking back her narrative – this video clip is one of the most powerful TED Talks out there on countering public humiliation with empathy and compassion.
8. The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong | Amy Morin (2015)
What bad mental habits are holding you up? In this TED Talk, Amy Morin – psychotherapist and author – explains how to become “mentally strong” by challenging our negative beliefs and giving up unhealthy habits. This strategy builds resiliency and allows us to become unstuck in life, thus reaching our full potential.
9. The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion | Kristin Neff (2013)
Kristin Neff – university professor and published author – explores the relationship between self-esteem and self-compassion in this video clip. She asks viewers to be kind to themselves as she discusses what research tells us about self-compassion.
10. The Three Secrets of Resilient People | Lucy Hone (2019)
In this TED Talk, Dr. Lucy Hone – resilience expert, acclaimed researcher, and published author – discusses three strategies for rising up from adversity in the face of suffering. She shares about her personal experience with painful loss – and how she was able to get through an unimaginable tragedy. As one of the most inspiring and powerful TED Talks on resiliency, this video clip provides viewers with not only insight, but hope.
Three powerful, therapist-recommended TED Talks on grief for clinical use (as psychoeducation for grieving clients or in a treatment setting) or for self-help.
Nancy Berns, a sociologist at Drake University, discusses grief and closure in this 18-minute TED Talk. She explains that closure is a fabricated concept, and that it is doing us more harm than good. This is one of the best TED Talks on grief and loss for counseling students, use with grieving clients, or for self-help.
2. Getting Cozy with Grief | Stacy Smith (2020)
Stacy Smith is a therapist, college professor, and the founder of Club Forget Me Not, a nonprofit that helps grieving children. In this 10-minute clip, she talks about death, grieving, and “being present in grief.”
3. We Don’t “Move On” from Grief. We Move Forward with It | Nora McInerny (2019)
Nora McInerny, writer and podcaster, talks about life and death in this 15-minute talk. She shares her personal experience with loss, and encourages viewers to rethink our approach to grief. This is one of the most powerful TED Talks on grief.
This is a list of examples of dialectics: two things that seem opposite – and are at the same time true. A therapy resource for clinicians or counseling students.
The best TED Talks for addiction and recovery, along with other powerful YouTube videos to play for clients in a treatment setting – or for yourself or for anyone who desires to learn more about substance use.
The following best TED Talks for addiction are entertaining, insightful, and though-provoking.
2. Addiction: A Story of Stigma, A Story of Hope | Scott McFadden (2020)
This 18-minute talk delivered by Scott McFadden is one of the best TED Talks for addiction as it addresses stigma and sends a message of hope.
Excerpt:Scott McFadden is a Licensed Addictions Counselor, who also identifies as a person in long term recovery from heroin and other drugs. He shares a harrowing story of incarceration and a long journey to recovery while explaining the dynamics of addiction and the labels, shame, and stigma which have become the greatest obstacles to turning around the opioid epidemic.
He shows us the need to talk to one another to overcome the secret places where shame resides. This is a story of vulnerability and hope!
5. Addiction Neuroscience 101 (2018)
Approximately 25 minutes, an overview of the neurobiology of addiction.
4. Chris Herren Speaking on His Addiction Recovery Story | PeaceLove (2015)
A 17-minute motivational speech delivered by Chris Herren.
Excerpt:Hear former professional basketball player and motivational speaker Chris Herren speaking about his recovery from drug addiction. Since August of 2008, Herren has been drug-free and alcohol-free, and has refocused his life to put his sobriety and family above all other things.
This fascinating 19-minute video clip from Rachel Wurzman is one of the best TED Talks for addiction as a biopsychosocial disorder.
Excerpt: Addiction to opioids is now officially a national emergency. But why are addiction rates spiking and what can we do about it? Neuroscientist Rachel Wurzman shares new research about how the brain reacts to opioids, replacing the sense of community and belonging human beings are losing. We are beginning to understand that solving the opioid epidemic will require us to focus on social factors surrounding those addicted.
6. Do You Have More Heart Than Scars? | Zackary Paben (2017)
A 17-minute inspirational talk by Zackary Paben.
Excerpt:How can resilience and interdependence impact the arch of our personal narrative to transcend from victim to hero? Since 1991, Zack has been empowering adolescents and adults as a mental health/recovery professional in a variety of modalities, including wilderness and residential.
As he continues to face his own visible and invisible scars, he innately has to acknowledge the wounds of others and encourage them in their own healing process.
7. Everything You Think You Know About Addiction Is Wrong | Johann Hari (2015)
A 15-minute video from Johann Hari. This piece is somewhat controversial because it suggests that addiction is a social/environmental issue while failing to address the impact of trauma, genetics, brain chemistry, etc. This clip is an excellent tool for generating discussions and is one of the best TED Talks for addiction.
Excerpt:What really causes addiction — to everything from cocaine to smart-phones? And how can we overcome it? Johann Hari has seen our current methods fail firsthand, as he has watched loved ones struggle to manage their addictions. He started to wonder why we treat addicts the way we do — and if there might be a better way.
As he shares in this deeply personal talk, his questions took him around the world, and unearthed some surprising and hopeful ways of thinking about an age-old problem.
8. Great Leaders Do What Drug Addicts Do | Michael Brody-Waite (2018)
An 19-minute talk from Michael Brody-Waite, entrepreneur and addict in recovery.
Excerpt:This is my story from drug addiction and homelessness to founding and leading a company on the Inc 500 list. There are 3 principles that saved me from death and set me apart as a leader. They are small enough to fit in your pocket, yet big enough to change your life. The best part is that anyone can take these principles and immediately implement them after watching this talk.
9. The Harm Reduction Model of Drug Addiction Treatment | Mark Tyndall (2017)
This 17-minute video from Mark Tyndall about harm reduction and recovery is one of the best TED Talks for addiction treatment.
Excerpt:Why do we still think that drug use is a law-enforcement issue? Making drugs illegal does nothing to stop people from using them, says public health expert Mark Tyndall. So, what might work?
Tyndall shares community-based research that shows how harm-reduction strategies, like safe-injection sites, are working to address the drug overdose crisis.
10. How Childhood Trauma Affects Health Across a Lifetime | Nadine Burke Harris (2015)
16-minute talk by Dr. Nadine Burke Harris on the impact of trauma.
Excerpt:Childhood trauma isn’t something you just get over as you grow up. Pediatrician Nadine Burke Harris explains that the repeated stress of abuse, neglect and parents struggling with mental health or substance abuse issues has real, tangible effects on the development of the brain.
This unfolds across a lifetime, to the point where those who’ve experienced high levels of trauma are at triple the risk for heart disease and lung cancer.
11. Let’s Quit Abusing Drug Users (2015)
19-minute video clip about addiction and recovery reform from Dr. Carl Hart. He discusses drug use in the context of poverty, social injustice, and ignorance. An excellent video for generating discussion and one of the best TED Talks for addiction and policy reform.
Excerpt:Carl Hart, Associate Professor of Psychiatry and Psychology at Columbia University, offers a provocative, evidence-based view of addiction and discusses how it should impact drug policy.
12. The Merits of Harm Reduction | Melissa Byers (2019)
14-minute video clip from Melissa Byers about addiction, harm reduction, and recovery.
Excerpt: Melissa shares her family’s personal story of addiction and how harm reduction plays a much more significant role to recovery than people realize.
13. Nuggets (2015)
A 5-minute cartoon clip of a kiwi bird who tastes a golden “nugget.” This simple animation doesn’t require words to send a powerful message about addiction. Hauntingly accurate.
14. The Power of Addiction and The Addiction of Power | Gabor Maté (2012)
This 19-minute speech delivered by Gabor Maté is one of the best TED Talks for addiction.
Excerpt:Canadian physician Gabor Maté is a specialist in terminal illnesses, chemical dependents, and HIV positive patients. Dr. Maté is a renowned author of books and columnist known for his knowledge about attention deficit disorder, stress, chronic illness and parental relations.
15. Recover Out Loud | Tara Conner (2017)
One of the best TED Talks for addiction, this 10-minute video clip from former Miss USA, Tara Conner, is all about her personal experience with substance use.
Excerpt:Tara Conner, Miss USA 2006, shares her life-long struggle with addiction and what she has learned from 10 years of sobriety. Addicts are not bad people that need to get good, but sick people that need to get well.
In this challenging and at times humorous talk, she calls for a different response to the addiction crisis.
16. Revitalize | Living With Addiction | Amber Valletta (2015)
16-minute inspirational talk delivered by Amber Valletta.
Excerpt:Supermodel, actress, and fashion icon Amber Valletta opens up for the first time about her daily struggle of living with addiction.
17. Rewriting the Story of My Addiction | Jo Harvey Weatherford (2015)
10-minute video clip from Jo Harvey Weatherford about her personal recovery journey.
Excerpt:Jo Harvey Weatherford develops and implements drug and alcohol prevention programs on the campus of The University of Nevada. In this candid talk she discusses the importance of the stories we tell ourselves about our behavior, and how she rewrote her own story of addiction to alcohol.
18. The Stigma of Addiction | Tony Hoffman (2018)
This 15-minute video from Tony Hoffman is one of the best TED Talks for addiction. He shares about his substance use and stigma.
Excerpt:There is a stigma which many assign to drug addicts, even long after they have overcome their addiction. Tony discusses how his first time smoking marijuana led to his eventual drug addiction, homelessness, prison, and finally redemption.
For Families – The Island of Insanity: Navigating Through Loved Ones’ Addictions | Karen Perlmutter (2022)
A powerful 13-minute video for anyone who is traumatized by the addiction of a loved one.
Excerpt: With a master’s degree in clinical social work, Karen has seen first-hand that addiction is a tragedy with a profound effect on the family. She has ideas on how we can support families in combatting the devastating effects of this disease After earning her undergraduate degree through the University of South Carolina in 2003, Karen began working with teens and families through a therapeutic foster care agency. She pursued higher education in the field, earning her Master’s in Clinical Social Work at the University of North Carolina (Wilmington) in 2007, and continuing on to becoming a Licensed Independent Social Worker.
Karen has over a decade of experience working as a therapist with individuals, couples, and families. She specializes in the treatment of substance abuse and mental illness, and has developed a particular interest in supporting the holistic needs of families who are affected by these struggles.
Microaggressions that target LGBTQ+ individuals, both intentional and unintentional, are commonplace.
A microaggression is defined by Merriam-Webster (online dictionary) as “a comment or action that subtly and often unconsciously or unintentionally expresses a prejudiced attitude toward a member of a marginalized group.”
Microaggressions that target LGBTQ+ individuals are harmful and have been linked to serious mental health problems and suicide. What’s more, microaggressions contribute to stereotypes.
This article provides 12 examples of microaggressions that target LGBTQ+ persons.
[+] may represent QuestioningorAgender, Bigender, Genderless, Gender Nonconforming, Gender Queer, Pangender, Pansexual, etc.
Lesbian: A woman who is attracted to other women (sexually, emotionally, and/or romantically)
Gay: An individual or a man who is attracted to individuals of the same gender
Bisexual: A person who is attracted to both men and women
Transgender: A person whose gender identity differs from the one assigned at birth
Queer: A reclaimed slur that refers to and celebrates individuals who are gay
Questioning: A person who is uncertain about or questioning their sexuality or gender identity. (Note: This is in reference to the internal conflict one experiences.)
Agender (or Genderless): Someone who does not identify with any gender (or as having a gender)
Bigender: An individual who identifies with two or more genders
Gender Nonconforming (or Gender Variant): Individuals who do not conform with society’s expectations of their gender role
Gender Queer (or Genderqueer): A person who identifies outside the gender categories of male and female
Pangender: Individuals who identify with two or more genders or with all/any genders (or as a non-male/non-female gender)
Pansexual: Someone who is capable of being attracted to all genders
The above list is in no way comprehensive. I recommend doing your own research. (Start with the resource section at the end of this article.)
Note that sexual orientation and gender identity are not the same thing. Sexual orientation refers to sexuality or attraction while gender identity refers to how a person views and thinks about themselves in terms of gender.
Source: Wikimedia Commons contributors, ‘File:1*YwY44v93qVAkje3 wADZkw@2x.png’, Wikimedia Commons, the free media repository.
When considering gender, imagine a gender spectrum vs. a binary consisting of male and female. This concept of gender spectrum is supported by scientific data.
12 Examples of Microaggressions that Target LGBTQ+ Individuals
1. “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
This Christian slogan was intended to be catchy and humorous – while at the same time condemning gay men as unnatural. The indication is that God didn’t intend for people to be gay. Therefore, if you’re gay, you’re an abomination in God’s eyes.
2. Assuming that a gay man has multiple sexual partners.
Gay and promiscuous are not one and the same. The idea that a gay man sleeps with multiple men (as opposed to being in a committed relationship with one person) is a stereotype.
3. Forms that include checkboxes for male/female only and documents that use he/she (vs. they).
Limited-choice binary forms are microaggressions that target LGBTQ+ individuals and invalidate the 5.6% (about 6 out of every 100) Americans who don’t identify as either male or female.
4. “I went through a bisexual phase in college, but I got over it.”
This suggests that bisexuality is temporary and/or something that one can “get over.” Similarly, when someone who is bisexual is asked, “When are you just going to pick one?” – the indication is that bisexuality is a temporary state that ends when someone chooses one or the other. It’s insinuated that someone who is bisexual is indecisive or that bisexuality isn’t real, but something leading up to something real.
5. “What is your sexual preference?”
The word preference indicates choice. In reality, one doesn’t consciously choose to be sexually attracted to someone. It just happens.
No one wants to be ridiculed or discriminated against for being gay. (Oppositely, it’s in our very nature to seek acceptance and connection. We desire inclusion and belonging.)
Instead of “preference,” use orientation when talking about attraction.
6. Intentionally using the wrong pronouns.
The implication is that someone’s gender identity is wrong. This microaggression may be used to push a religious or political agenda, but it’s harmful to reduce a person to an agenda.
Directing a transwoman/transman to a bathroom that doesn’t match their gender identity and/or the incorrect use of “ma’am/sir” are similar forms of this microaggression.
Since you won’t always know how an individual prefers to be addressed, keep it simple… just ask.
7. “Were you born boy or a girl?”
Like asking one’s “preference,” this microaggression targets LGBTQ+ individuals by implying that someone who doesn’t identify with their biological sex made a conscious choice to reject their biological sex.
Instead of “born boy or girl,” someone’s biological sex should be referred to as assigned gender.
8. Automatically assuming that something happened to the individual (i.e., childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, etc.) that “made” them the way they are.
This microaggression implies that a person is LGBTQ+ because something bad happened to them. The assumption tolerates a person’s LGBTQ+ identification, but only to excuse it. (For example: “She became a lesbian because she was tired of dating chauvinistic jerks.”) This discredits the complexity of sexual orientation and gender identity.
9. “I’ll pray for you, but I can’t condone your choices.”
The idea that being LGBTQ+ is a sin implies that it’s a willful act against God. In reality, being LGBTQ+ is not a choice.
10. “How do you know you don’t like [men/women] if you haven’t tried?”
Sexual orientation is not the same as taking a car for a test drive or trying on pairs of jeans. You wouldn’t question a straight man about his relationship with a woman or encourage him to have sex with at least one man before committing to marriage.
11. “Who’s the man and who’s the woman in the relationship?”
This implies that relationships are defined by stereotypical gender roles. It undermines non-traditional relationships, suggesting that for a relationship to be legitimate, there must be a male and female.
12. “I never would have known you’re transgender! You’re totally passable as a [man/woman].”
You wouldn’t compliment a lady by telling her she’s “passable” as a woman.
Also, take a moment to consider insecurities you have about your looks. Have you ever struggled with body image or felt self-conscious? Imagine being in the wrong body!
Conclusion
In sum, microaggressions that target LGBTQ+ individuals can be unintentional or well-meaning, but when LGBTQ+ persons are subjected to microaggressions time after time, it’s damaging. What’s more, microaggressions that target LGBTQ+ individuals contribute to stigma and perpetuate false stereotypes.
Microaggressions that target the LGBTQ+ population thrive in environments where it is acceptable to:
Voice judgments about a person’s morality
Discredit or devalue someone’s personal experience
Bully or intimidate
Make invasive comments about a person’s sexual relationships
To conclude, microaggressions that target LGBTQ+ persons are harmful. You can prevent using them by increasing your awareness.
This free, original grief workbook PDF may be reproduced and distributed for personal, therapeutic, and/or educational purposes with appropriate citation. Please link to Mind Remake Project when sharing electronic copies.
A list of 12 top free apps for meditation and mindfulness. (No subscription fees!)
Compare app ratings for apps for meditation from the Apple store, Google Play, and Psyberguide. (All ratings are based on five stars.) Please feel free to add your vote!
“An award-winning app developed for teenage mental health by Dr. Nihara Krause, Consultant Clinical Psychologist, using the basic principles of an evidence-based therapy called Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT).”
5 and 15 minute activities to comfort, distract, express, and release. You can also use this app to practice guided breathing, to log your activities (and self-monitor), and to journal.
Apple StoreRating: 4.4 stars (556 ratings)
Google Play Rating: 4.3 stars (1,982 ratings)
Psyberguide Rating: 3.00 (credibility) and 4.28 (user experience)
“The COVID Coach app was created for everyone, including Veterans and Service members, to support self-care and overall mental health during the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic.”
Challenges and tools, including meditations and guided imagery. You can also use this app to find online help or to learn more about mental wellbeing.
Apple Store Rating: 4.8 stars (708 ratings)
Google Play Rating: 4.6 stars (274 ratings)
Psyberguide Rating: 2.67 (credibility) and 4.49 (user experience)
“The ground-breaking Healthy Minds Program uses neuroscience, contemplative traditions, and skill-based learning methods to help you develop the skills for a healthy mind, now in the palm of your hand. Translating pioneering neuroscience into tools for everyday life, our unique framework guides you through the four pillars of the science of training the mind.”
Guided meditations for awareness, connection, insight, and purpose.
Apple Store Rating: 4.9 stars (672 ratings)
Google Play Rating: 4.7 stars (1,032 ratings)
Psyberguide Rating: 3.67 (credibility) and 4.38 (user experience)
Subscription: No, but you must sign up for a free account
“We offer the largest free library of guided meditations on earth and the world’s most loved meditation Timer, for free.”
95,000 guided meditations, stories, and soundscapes for sleep, recovery and healing, stress and anxiety, performance, health and happiness, relationships, and spirituality. You can also access live events, discussion groups, and classes.
Apple Store Rating: 4.9 stars (305K ratings)
Google Play Rating: 4.9 stars (125,993 ratings)
Psyberguide Rating: 3.33 (credibility) and 4.38 (user experience)
Subscription: No. You have the option of creating a free account.
“Mantras are phrases we repeat to ourselves that highlight our strengths & values and can motivate us to do and feel good. A mantra helps you become your best possible self and My Mantra is designed to help you get there. As part of the IntelliCare suite of apps, My Mantra lets you create these motivating mantras and construct virtual photo albums to serve as encouragement and reminders of these mantras in your life.”
A simple top free app for developing personal mantras to inspire and uplift.
Apple Store Rating: 5 stars (2 ratings)
Google Play Rating: N/A
Psyberguide Rating: 3.67 (credibility) and 2.78 (user experience)
“Practicing mindfulness means grounding yourself in the present moment. Mindfulness has been shown to be helpful for reducing stress and coping with unpleasant thoughts and emotions. Mindfulness Coach will help you practice mindfulness meditation.”
Mindfulness training and practices. You can also use this app to set goals and log your progress.
Apple Store Rating: 4.7 stars (4K ratings)
Google Play Rating: 4.8 stars (5,230 ratings)
Psyberguide Rating: 3.00 (credibility) and 3.30 (user experience)
“Break free from anxiety and stress using this free evidence-based anxiety management app. MindShift CBT uses scientifically proven strategies based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).”
Learn about anxiety, listen to guided meditations, track your moods, journal, and set goals with this top free app.
Apple Store Rating: 4.4 stars (206 ratings)
Google Play Rating: 4.0 stars (1,432 ratings)
Psyberguide Rating: 3.67 (credibility) and 4.29 (user experience)
Subscription: No, but you must sign up for a free account
“Oak helps you decompress by transforming your meditation practice from an experiment into a habit. We support you from your first session to your 500th, with mindful, loving-kindness, and sleep meditations as well as unguided sessions and breathing exercises. Individualize your meditations by duration, and customize with silence or calming background sounds. Oak tracks your progress and encourages you to continue building a healthy meditation practice.”
Meditations and breathing exercises for relaxation and sleep. You can also access a mantra meditation course with this top free app.
“Lower your stress levels, reduce anxiety, overcome fears, relieve pain, get better sleep, and so much more. All made possible with access to hundreds of meditations in the Tapping Solution App. You’ll learn how to use Tapping (also known as EFT, or Emotional Freedom Techniques), to lead a happier and healthier life.”
Tapping meditations and audiobooks.
Apple Store Rating: 4.8 stars (7.4K ratings)
Google Play Rating: 4.6 stars (6,098 ratings)
Psyberguide Rating: N/A
Subscription: $94.99 yearly (some content available without a subscription, account sign-up is free)
“With this easy-to-use app, you can practice mindfulness meditation anywhere, anytime with the guidance of the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center. Scientific research shows mindfulness can help manage stress-related physical conditions, reduce anxiety and depression, cultivate positive emotions, and help improve overall physical health and well-being.”
Basic and wellness meditations, as well as videos and podcasts.
Amazon Description: “Everyone knows that regular exercise and weight training lead to physical strength. But how do we strengthen ourselves mentally for the truly tough times? And what should we do when we face these challenges? Or as psychotherapist Amy Morin asks, what should we avoid when we encounter adversity? Through her years counseling others and her own experiences navigating personal loss, Morin realized it is often the habits we cannot break that are holding us back from true success and happiness. Indulging in self-pity, agonizing over things beyond our control, obsessing over past events, resenting the achievements of others, or expecting immediate positive results holds us back. This list of things mentally strong people don’t do resonated so much with readers that when it was picked up by Forbes.com it received ten million views.
Now, for the first time, Morin expands upon the thirteen things from her viral post and shares her tried-and-true practices for increasing mental strength. Morin writes with searing honesty, incorporating anecdotes from her work as a college psychology instructor and psychotherapist as well as personal stories about how she bolstered her own mental strength when tragedy threatened to consume her.
Increasing your mental strength can change your entire attitude. It takes practice and hard work, but with Morin’s specific tips, exercises, and troubleshooting advice, it is possible to not only fortify your mental muscle but also drastically improve the quality of your life.”
Amazon Description: “No matter your goals, Atomic Habits offers a proven framework for improving-every day. James Clear, one of the world’s leading experts on habit formation, reveals practical strategies that will teach you exactly how to form good habits, break bad ones, and master the tiny behaviors that lead to remarkable results.
If you’re having trouble changing your habits, the problem isn’t you. The problem is your system. Bad habits repeat themselves again and again not because you don’t want to change, but because you have the wrong system for change. You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems. Here, you’ll get a proven system that can take you to new heights.
Clear is known for his ability to distill complex topics into simple behaviors that can be easily applied to daily life and work. Here, he draws on the most proven ideas from biology, psychology, and neuroscience to create an easy-to-understand guide for making good habits inevitable and bad habits impossible. Along the way, readers will be inspired and entertained with true stories from Olympic gold medalists, award-winning artists, business leaders, life-saving physicians, and star comedians who have used the science of small habits to master their craft and vault to the top of their field.
Learn how to:
make time for new habits (even when life gets crazy);
overcome a lack of motivation and willpower;
design your environment to make success easier;
get back on track when you fall off course;
…and much more.
Atomic Habits will reshape the way you think about progress and success, and give you the tools and strategies you need to transform your habits-whether you are a team looking to win a championship, an organization hoping to redefine an industry, or simply an individual who wishes to quit smoking, lose weight, reduce stress, or achieve any other goal.”
Amazon Description: “We already rely on science to tell us what to eat, when to exercise, and how long to sleep. Why not use science to help us improve our relationships? In this revolutionary book, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller scientifically explain why why some people seem to navigate relationships effortlessly, while others struggle.
Discover how an understanding of adult attachment—the most advanced relationship science in existence today—can help us find and sustain love. Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:
Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back
Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.
Attached guides readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mate) follow, offering a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love.”
Amazon Description: “Trauma is a fact of life. Veterans and their families deal with the painful aftermath of combat; one in five Americans has been molested; one in four grew up with alcoholics; one in three couples have engaged in physical violence. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, one of the world’s foremost experts on trauma, has spent over three decades working with survivors. In The Body Keeps the Score, he uses recent scientific advances to show how trauma literally reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust. He explores innovative treatments—from neurofeedback and meditation to sports, drama, and yoga—that offer new paths to recovery by activating the brain’s natural neuroplasticity. Based on Dr. van der Kolk’s own research and that of other leading specialists, The Body Keeps the Score exposes the tremendous power of our relationships both to hurt and to heal—and offers new hope for reclaiming lives.”
Amazon Description: “Philosopher-poet and cancer survivor Mark Nepo opens a new season of freedom and joy―an escape from deadening, asleep-at-the wheel sameness―that is both profound and clarifying.
His spiritual daybook is a summons to reclaim aliveness, liberate the self, take each day one at a time, and savor the beauty offered by life’s unfolding. Reading his poetic prose is like being given second sight, exposing the reader to life’s multiple dimensions, each one drawn with awe and affection.
The Book of Awakening is the result of Nepo’s journey of the soul and will inspire others to embark on their own. He speaks of spirit and friendship, urging readers to stay vital and in love with this life, no matter the hardships. Encompassing many traditions and voices, Nepo’s words offer insight on pain, wonder, and love. Each entry is accompanied by an exercise that will surprise and delight the reader in its mind-waking ability.”
Amazon Description: “Nobel Peace Prize Laureates His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu have survived more than fifty years of exile and the soul-crushing violence of oppression. Despite their hardships—or, as they would say, because of them—they are two of the most joyful people on the planet.
In April 2015, Archbishop Tutu traveled to the Dalai Lama’s home in Dharamsala, India, to celebrate His Holiness’s eightieth birthday and to create what they hoped would be a gift for others. They looked back on their long lives to answer a single burning question: How do we find joy in the face of life’s inevitable suffering?
They traded intimate stories, teased each other continually, and shared their spiritual practices. By the end of a week filled with laughter and punctuated with tears, these two global heroes had stared into the abyss and despair of our time and revealed how to live a life brimming with joy.
This book offers us a rare opportunity to experience their astonishing and unprecendented week together, from the first embrace to the final good-bye.
We get to listen as they explore the Nature of True Joy and confront each of the Obstacles of Joy—from fear, stress, and anger to grief, illness, and death. They then offer us the Eight Pillars of Joy, which provide the foundation for lasting happiness. Throughout, they include stories, wisdom, and science. Finally, they share their daily Joy Practices that anchor their own emotional and spiritual lives.
The Archbishop has never claimed sainthood, and the Dalai Lama considers himself a simple monk. In this unique collaboration, they offer us the reflection of real lives filled with pain and turmoil in the midst of which they have been able to discover a level of peace, of courage, and of joy to which we can all aspire in our own lives.”
Amazon Description: “By the time she was in her late twenties, Tara Schuster was a rising TV executive who had worked for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and helped launch Key & Peele to viral superstardom. By all appearances, she had mastered being a grown-up. But beneath that veneer of success, she was a chronically anxious, self-medicating mess. No one knew that her road to adulthood had been paved with depression, anxiety, and shame, owing in large part to her minimally parented upbringing. She realized she’d hit rock bottom when she drunk-dialed her therapist pleading for help.
Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies is the story of Tara’s path to re-parenting herself and becoming a ‘ninja of self-love.’ Through simple, daily rituals, Tara transformed her mind, body, and relationships, and shows how to
fake gratitude until you actually feel gratitude
excavate your emotional wounds and heal them with kindness
identify your self-limiting beliefs, kick them to the curb, and start living a life you choose
silence your inner frenemy and shield yourself from self-criticism
carve out time each morning to start your day empowered, inspired, and ready to rule
create a life you truly, totally f*cking LOVE
This is the book Tara wished someone had given her and it is the book many of us desperately need: a candid, hysterical, addictively readable, practical guide to growing up (no matter where you are in life) and learning to love yourself in a non-throw-up-in-your-mouth-it’s-so-cheesy way.”
Amazon Description: “The very things we do to control anxiety can make anxiety worse. This unique guide offers a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)-based approach to help you recognize the constant chatter of your anxious ‘monkey mind,’ stop feeding anxious thoughts, and find the personal peace you crave.
Ancient sages compared the human mind to a monkey: constantly chattering, hopping from branch to branch—endlessly moving from fear to safety. If you are one of the millions of people whose life is affected by anxiety, you are familiar with this process. Unfortunately, you can’t switch off the ‘monkey mind,’ but you can stop feeding the monkey—or stop rewarding it by avoiding the things you fear.
Written by psychotherapist Jennifer Shannon, this book shows you how to stop anxious thoughts from taking over using proven-effective cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and mindfulness techniques, as well as fun illustrations. By following the exercises in this book, you’ll learn to identify your own anxious thoughts, question those thoughts, and uncover the core fears at play.
Once you stop feeding the monkey, there are no limits to how expansive your life can feel. This book will show you how anxiety can only continue as long as you try to avoid it. And, paradoxically, only by seeking out and confronting the things that make you anxious can you reverse the cycle that keeps your fears alive.”
Amazon Description: “In The Four Agreements, bestselling author Don Miguel Ruiz reveals the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and create needless suffering. Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, The Four Agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and love.”
Amazon Description: “In Furiously Happy, a humor memoir tinged with just enough tragedy and pathos to make it worthwhile, Jenny Lawson examines her own experience with severe depression and a host of other conditions, and explains how it has led her to live life to the fullest:
‘I’ve often thought that people with severe depression have developed such a well for experiencing extreme emotion that they might be able to experience extreme joy in a way that ‘normal people’ also might never understand. And that’s what Furiously Happy is all about.’
Jenny’s readings are standing room only, with fans lining up to have Jenny sign their bottles of Xanax or Prozac as often as they are to have her sign their books. Furiously Happy appeals to Jenny’s core fan base but also transcends it. There are so many people out there struggling with depression and mental illness, either themselves or someone in their family―and in Furiously Happy they will find a member of their tribe offering up an uplifting message (via a taxidermied roadkill raccoon). Let’s Pretend This Never Happened ostensibly was about embracing your own weirdness, but deep down it was about family. Furiously Happy is about depression and mental illness, but deep down it’s about joy―and who doesn’t want a bit more of that?”
Amazon Description: “Brené Brown’s game-changing New York Times bestseller, The Gifts of Imperfection, has sold more than 2 million copies in more than 30 different languages and is celebrating its 10th Anniversary in print. Forbes magazine named Gifts one of the ‘Five Books That Will Actually Change Your Outlook On Life.’ Through this self-help classic we find courage to overcome paralyzing fear and self-consciousness, strengthening our connection to the world and helping us to believe we are worthy of self-discovery, personal growth, and boundless love.
A motivational and inspiring guide to wholehearted living, rather than just the average self-help book, with this groundbreaking work Brené Brown, Ph.D., bolsters the self-esteem and personal development process through her characteristic heartfelt, honest storytelling. With original research and plenty of encouragement, she explores the psychology of releasing our definitions of an ‘imperfect’ life and embracing living authentically. Brown’s “ten guideposts” are benchmarks for authenticity that can help anyone establish a practice for a life of honest beauty—a perfectly imperfect life.
Now more than ever, we all need to cultivate feelings of self-worth, as well as acceptance and love for ourselves. In a world where insults, criticisms, and fears are spread too generously alongside messages of unrealistic beauty, attainment, and expectation, we look for ways to ‘dig deep’ and find truth and gratitude in our lives. A new way forward means we can’t hold on too tightly to our own self-defeating thoughts or the displaced pain in our world. Instead, we can embrace the imperfection.”
Amazon Description: “Build a more satisfying and meaningful life with this best-selling guide to freeing yourself from depression, anxiety, and insecurity through Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
Are you, like millions of Americans, caught in the happiness trap? Russ Harris explains that the way most of us go about trying to find happiness ends up making us miserable, driving the epidemics of stress, anxiety, and depression. This empowering book presents the insights and techniques of ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) a revolutionary new psychotherapy based on cutting-edge research in behavioral psychology. By clarifying your values and developing mindfulness (a technique for living fully in the present moment), ACT helps you escape the happiness trap and find true satisfaction in life.
The techniques presented in The Happiness Trap will help readers to:
• Reduce stress and worry • Handle painful feelings and thoughts more effectively • Break self-defeating habits • Overcome insecurity and self-doubt • Create a rich, full, and meaningful life”
Amazon Description: “With New York Times bestselling author, Dr. Hanson’s four steps, you can counterbalance your brain’s negativity bias and learn to hardwire happiness in only a few minutes each day.
Why is it easier to ruminate over hurt feelings than it is to bask in the warmth of being appreciated? Because your brain evolved to learn quickly from bad experiences and slowly from good ones, but you can change this.
Life isn’t easy, and having a brain wired to take in the bad and ignore the good makes us worried, irritated, and stressed, instead of confident, secure, and happy. But each day is filled with opportunities to build inner strengths and Dr. Rick Hanson, an acclaimed clinical psychologist, shows what you can do to override the brain’s default pessimism.
Hardwiring Happiness lays out a simple method that uses the hidden power of everyday experiences to build new neural structures full of happiness, love, confidence, and peace. You’ll learn to see through the lies your brain tells you. Dr. Hanson’s four steps build strengths into your brain to make contentment and a powerful sense of resilience the new normal. In just minutes a day, you can transform your brain into a refuge and power center of calm and happiness.”
Amazon Description: “From bestselling author Gabor Maté, the essential resource for understanding the roots and behaviors of addiction-now with an added introduction by the author.
Based on Gabor Maté’s two decades of experience as a medical doctor and his groundbreaking work with the severely addicted on Vancouver’s skid row, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts radically re-envisions this much misunderstood field by taking a holistic approach. Dr. Maté presents addiction not as a discrete phenomenon confined to an unfortunate or weak-willed few, but as a continuum that runs throughout (and perhaps underpins) our society; not a medical ‘condition’ distinct from the lives it affects, rather the result of a complex interplay among personal history, emotional, and neurological development, brain chemistry, and the drugs (and behaviors) of addiction. Simplifying a wide array of brain and addiction research findings from around the globe, the book avoids glib self-help remedies, instead promoting a thorough and compassionate self-understanding as the first key to healing and wellness.
In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts argues persuasively against contemporary health, social, and criminal justice policies toward addiction and those impacted by it. The mix of personal stories—including the author’s candid discussion of his own ‘high-status’ addictive tendencies—and science with positive solutions makes the book equally useful for lay readers and professionals.”
Amazon Description: “From a New York Times best-selling author, psychotherapist, and national advice columnist, a hilarious, thought-provoking, and surprising new book that takes us behind the scenes of a therapist’s world-where her patients are looking for answers (and so is she).
One day, Lori Gottlieb is a therapist who helps patients in her Los Angeles practice. The next, a crisis causes her world to come crashing down. Enter Wendell, the quirky but seasoned therapist in whose office she suddenly lands. With his balding head, cardigan, and khakis, he seems to have come straight from Therapist Central Casting. Yet he will turn out to be anything but.
As Gottlieb explores the inner chambers of her patients’ lives – a self-absorbed Hollywood producer, a young newlywed diagnosed with a terminal illness, a senior citizen threatening to end her life on her birthday if nothing gets better, and a twenty-something who can’t stop hooking up with the wrong guys – she finds that the questions they are struggling with are the very ones she is now bringing to Wendell.
With startling wisdom and humor, Gottlieb invites us into her world as both clinician and patient, examining the truths and fictions we tell ourselves and others as we teeter on the tightrope between love and desire, meaning and mortality, guilt and redemption, terror and courage, hope and change.
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone is revolutionary in its candor, offering a deeply personal yet universal tour of our hearts and minds and providing the rarest of gifts: a boldly revealing portrait of what it means to be human, and a disarmingly funny and illuminating account of our own mysterious lives and our power to transform them.”
Amazon Description: “Negative Self-Talk and How to Change It is an immediately helpful, life-changing handbook of how to deal with negative self-talk – for yourself, or anyone in your life. Shad Helmstetter, Ph.D., the best-selling author of more than twenty books, is the leading authority in the field of self-talk today. In this 60-Minute’ Book™ written for today’s reader, Dr. Helmstetter gives you all of the important information you need to change negative self-talk forever, in a short, easy-to-read, and condensed format. Also included is a special ‘Guide to Changing Your Self-Talk’ from The Self-Talk Institute.”
Amazon Description: “While in grad school in the early 1990s, Chris Niebauer began to notice striking parallels between the latest discoveries in psychology, neuroscience, and the teachings of Buddhism, Taoism, and other schools of Eastern thought. When he presented his findings to a professor, his ideas were quickly dismissed as ‘pure coincidence, nothing more.’
Fast-forward 20 years later and Niebauer is a Ph.D. and a tenured professor, and the Buddhist-neuroscience connection he found as a student is practically its own genre in the bookstore. But according to Niebauer, we are just beginning to understand the link between Eastern philosophy and the latest findings in psychology and neuroscience and what these assimilated ideas mean for the human experience.
In this groundbreaking book, Niebauer writes that the latest research in neuropsychology is now confirming a fundamental tenet of Buddhism, what is called Anatta, or the doctrine of ‘no self.’ Niebauer writes that our sense of self, or what we commonly refer to as the ego, is an illusion created entirely by the left side of the brain. Niebauer is quick to point out that this doesn’t mean that the self doesn’t exist but rather that it does so in the same way that a mirage in the middle of the desert exists, as a thought rather than a thing. His conclusions have significant ramifications for much of modern psychological modalities, which he says are spending much of their time trying to fix something that isn’t there.
What makes this book unique is that Niebauer offers a series of exercises to allow the reader to experience this truth for him- or herself, as well as additional tools and practices to use after reading the book, all of which are designed to change the way we experience the world―a way that is based on being rather than thinking.”
Amazon Description: “The Power of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) is a fable on self-leadership, because how you lead your own life has everything to do with how you lead in other areas. It is a tool for both individuals and organizations who want to create more effective communication and relationships. Learning how to transform everyday drama and opt for more growth-oriented solutions, is the priceless gift it teaches. As you walk with David, the main character, he shares how he is feeling victimized by life. Through serendipity he meets some wise guides, Ted and Sophia, who show David how he can move from feeling like a Victim to being a Creator of his own life. The Power of TED* offers a powerful alternative to the Karpman Drama Triangle with its roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer. The Empowerment Dynamic (TED) provides the antidote roles of Creator, Challenger and Coach and a more positive approach to life’s challenges. The teaching story provides a guide for learning and growing through the challenges we all face in our lives. Its message resonates with everyone who, at some time in their lives, feel victimized by their situation. Having helped thousands of people and scores of organizations over the past decade, The Power of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) is being published in this 10th Anniversary Edition to convey a very timely message of hope that all of life, whether at home or work, can be transformed to create satisfying and fulfilling relationships.”
Amazon Description: “Are you smart, scattered, and struggling? You’re not alone. Cutting-edge research shows that today’s 24/7 wired world and the growing demands of work and family life may simply max out the part of the brain that manages complex tasks. That’s especially true for those lacking strong executive skills-the core brain-based abilities needed to maintain focus, meet deadlines, and stay cool under pressure. In this essential guide, leading experts Peg Dawson and Richard Guare help you map your own executive skills profile and take effective steps to boost your organizational skills, time management, emotional control, and nine other essential capacities. The book is packed with science-based strategies and concrete examples, plus downloadable practical tools for creating your own personalized action plan. Whether on the job or at home, you can get more done with less stress.”
Amazon Description: “In this generation-defining self-help guide, a superstar blogger cuts through the crap to show us how to stop trying to be ‘positive’ all the time so that we can truly become better, happier people.
For decades, we’ve been told that positive thinking is the key to a happy, rich life. ‘F**k positivity,’ Mark Manson says. ‘Let’s be honest, shit is f**ked and we have to live with it.’ In his wildly popular Internet blog, Manson doesn’t sugarcoat or equivocate. He tells it like it is—a dose of raw, refreshing, honest truth that is sorely lacking today. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k is his antidote to the coddling, let’s-all-feel-good mindset that has infected American society and spoiled a generation, rewarding them with gold medals just for showing up.
Manson makes the argument, backed both by academic research and well-timed poop jokes, that improving our lives hinges not on our ability to turn lemons into lemonade, but on learning to stomach lemons better. Human beings are flawed and limited—’not everybody can be extraordinary, there are winners and losers in society, and some of it is not fair or your fault.’ Manson advises us to get to know our limitations and accept them. Once we embrace our fears, faults, and uncertainties, once we stop running and avoiding and start confronting painful truths, we can begin to find the courage, perseverance, honesty, responsibility, curiosity, and forgiveness we seek.
There are only so many things we can give a f**k about so we need to figure out which ones really matter, Manson makes clear. While money is nice, caring about what you do with your life is better, because true wealth is about experience. A much-needed grab-you-by-the-shoulders-and-look-you-in-the-eye moment of real-talk, filled with entertaining stories and profane, ruthless humor, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k is a refreshing slap for a generation to help them lead contented, grounded lives.”
Amazon Description: “This is a completely updated edition of the 1983 classic that introduced a powerful method for gaining freedom from self-defeating behaviors and beliefs. Rick Carson, creator of the renowned Gremlin-Taming™ Method, has revised the book to include fresh interactive activities, real-life vignettes we can all identify with, and new loathsome gremlins ripe for taming. Carson blends his laid-back style, Taoist wisdom, the Zen Theory of Change, and sound psychology in an easy-to-understand, unique, and practical system for banishing the nemesis within. Among the things you will learn are:
Techniques for getting a sliver of light between the natural you and the monster of your mind.
The extraordinary power of simply noticing and playing with options.
Six keys to maintaining emotional balance amid upheaval.”
Amazon Description: “Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen have spent the past fifteen years working with corporations, nonprofits, governments, and families to determine what helps us learn and what gets in our way. In Thanks for the Feedback, they explain why receiving feedback is so crucial yet so challenging, offering a simple framework and powerful tools to help us take on life’s blizzard of offhand comments, annual evaluations, and unsolicited input with curiosity and grace. They blend the latest insights from neuroscience and psychology with practical, hard-headed advice. Thanks for the Feedback is destined to become a classic in the fields of leadership, organizational behavior, and education.”
Amazon Description: “What would it be like to free yourself from limitations and soar beyond your boundaries? What can you do each day to discover inner peace and serenity? The Untethered Soul offers simple yet profound answers to these questions.
Whether this is your first exploration of inner space, or you’ve devoted your life to the inward journey, this book will transform your relationship with yourself and the world around you. You’ll discover what you can do to put an end to the habitual thoughts and emotions that limit your consciousness. By tapping into traditions of meditation and mindfulness, author and spiritual teacher Michael A. Singer shows how the development of consciousness can enable us all to dwell in the present moment and let go of painful thoughts and memories that keep us from achieving happiness and self-realization.
Co-published with the Institute of Noetic Sciences (IONS) The Untethered Soul begins by walking you through your relationship with your thoughts and emotions, helping you uncover the source and fluctuations of your inner energy. It then delves into what you can do to free yourself from the habitual thoughts, emotions, and energy patterns that limit your consciousness. Finally, with perfect clarity, this book opens the door to a life lived in the freedom of your innermost being.”
Amazon Description: “Now in a third edition, Robert M. Sapolsky’s acclaimed and successful Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers features new chapters on how stress affects sleep and addiction, as well as new insights into anxiety and personality disorder and the impact of spirituality on managing stress.
As Sapolsky explains, most of us do not lie awake at night worrying about whether we have leprosy or malaria. Instead, the diseases we fear-and the ones that plague us now-are illnesses brought on by the slow accumulation of damage, such as heart disease and cancer. When we worry or experience stress, our body turns on the same physiological responses that an animal’s does, but we do not resolve conflict in the same way-through fighting or fleeing. Over time, this activation of a stress response makes us literally sick.
Combining cutting-edge research with a healthy dose of good humor and practical advice, Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers explains how prolonged stress causes or intensifies a range of physical and mental afflictions, including depression, ulcers, colitis, heart disease, and more. It also provides essential guidance to controlling our stress responses. This new edition promises to be the most comprehensive and engaging one yet.”
Amazon Description: “In this refreshingly entertaining how-to guide, bestselling author and world-traveling success coach, Jen Sincero, serves up 27 bite-sized chapters full of hilariously inspiring stories, sage advice, easy exercises, and the occasional swear word, helping you to: Identify and change the self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviors that stop you from getting what you want, Create a life you totally love. And create it NOW, Make some damn money already. The kind you’ve never made before.
By the end of You Are a Badass, you’ll understand why you are how you are, how to love what you can’t change, how to change what you don’t love, and how to use The Force to kick some serious ass.”
As a counselor, what do you do when you dislike a client?
Have you ever counseled someone you found offensive? Or, maybe you liked the actual person, but dreaded sessions with them due to an annoying tic, the sound of their laugh, or something equally irritating to you?
As counselors, we’re supposed to have positive regard and a non-judgmental attitude when it comes to the clients we see. It may feel wrong, alarming even, when we find ourselves with an aversion to someone we want to help. In the very least, it feels very un-therapist-like.
This is one of the reasons why, as mental health professionals, it’s important to be aware of personal values as well as have an awareness of populations that are challenging to work with. This is necessary to avoid imposing personal values on the client, which is often done unintentionally. For example, if you know you cannot remain objective when working with sex offenders or someone with racist beliefs, the ethical path is to seek supervision/consultation and training.
Since dislike of a client is not an ethical reason for referring or terminating, here are 20 tips for when you find you do not like, are annoyed by, or dread sessions with a client.
20 Tips for When You Dislike a Client
1. To start, redefine how you view like vs. dislike.
Instead of liking/disliking, think relating to/not relating to. The more you think in terms of “dislike,” the more prone you are to it. It may even change how you treat that particular client.
2. Look for the positive.
Find a few things about the client that you appreciate or admire. Focus on their strengths and likable qualities. (Be sure to point out the strengths to the client!)
If the client is “unlikable” to you and possibly others, imagine how difficult it is to be in their shoes. They probably have an awareness, on some level at least, that others do not respond well to them.
4. During the first few sessions, ask the client about previous experiences in therapy, including what they liked or did not like, and what worked well for them.
If sessions have been challenging, it may be that the client is not responding to your interventions. Similarly, if a session is boring for you, it may be that you are using the wrong techniques. Change it up with a different approach.
5. Remain patient and open-minded.
Oftentimes, the solution to “dislike” is getting to know a person better. Also, be aware that what you are seeing could be a defense mechanism or strategy the client used to survive in the past. Your role as a counselor is to teach healthy coping skills (while at the same time validating the client for finding ways to survive).
When you find that you initially dislike a client, explore transference with them. They may be resistant because you remind them of someone else (which impacts your personal reactions). If transference continues to hinder progress, consider termination. For countertransference, seek supervision and training.
7. If you feel emotionally drained or exhausted by a certain client, set a boundary.
Recognize when you are taking on too much of the client’s pain. Remember that you can be empathetic without feeling everything the client feels. Also, try to leave work at work. Do not let your clients’ problems consume you in your personal life. On the other hand, if you do not experience any empathy or find yourself uncaring, disinterested, or detached, consider taking a break. It may be time to reassess your fitness as a therapist or even explore a new career.
8. Recognize when the client is bullying, intimidating, insulting, dismissing, etc.
Do not take it personally. Point out the behavior in real time and then explore. Is the client aware of the behavior? Where did the client learn it? What are their intentions? How has it worked in the past? How might it impact others? What are alternative, prosocial behaviors?
9. If you are unsure of exactly why you are dreading a certain client or session, delve deep and do some reflection.
Seek supervision and consult to find what is bothersome to you.
10. If, on the other hand, you find that you are dreading all sessions, you might be burnt out or experiencing vicarious trauma.
It might be time to take some time off work, re-up your self-care game, and/or seek therapy yourself.
11. Learn from the “unlikeable” client.
Working with a client you find offensive or are annoyed by will challenge you more than working with a client who is personable, open, and motivated. You have to find ways to be compassionate and empathetic in order to connect with and help the challenging client. You will also learn about your own biases and become more self-aware. The “unlikeable” client will help you grow and improve as a clinician.
12. Recognize and ditch resentments.
If you resent or dislike a client because they are not progressing, not doing their homework, not following suggestions, etc., check yourself. You only provide the tools. It is up to the client to use them. Do not attach yourself to a client’s successes… or failures. Also, recognize where the client is in the change process. If you are using interventions for the “action” stage of change, but the client is in “precontemplation,” you will not get anywhere. Furthermore, instead of labeling the client as resistant, assess stage of change and match interventions accordingly. If the client continues to not progress and/or is not benefiting from therapy, consider termination.
13. If you realize it’s some nervous habit or tic that’s bothering you, consider pointing it out to the client in an honest and non-judgmental way, especially if you have a good rapport with or know the client well.
Broaching the subject opens the door for exploration. The client may not realize they do it or that others notice (and could be offended by) it. For example: a client who picks at their cuticles when they talk about their mother or who makes a joke whenever they feel uncomfortable. By noting the behavior, you increase awareness and the potential for growth.
14. When pointing out the annoying behavior/tic, consider using appropriate self-disclosure (or tell about someone you know) to help normalize the undesirable trait. This helps if the client seems embarrassed or uncomfortable.
Talk about how you used to bite your nails, for example. Or tell about someone who clicked their pen or smacked their gum and was able to ditch the bothersome habit. Be sure to tell about how you/they successfully changed the behavior!
15. Recognize when it’s behavioral/habitual vs. symptoms of a mental disorder.
For example, it can be challenging or frustrating to have a conversation with someone who is experiencing mania, but it is helpful to separate that person from their disorder. It may be something that have little or no control over, or have trouble managing. Provide your client with psychoeducation and teach about symptoms.
16. Similarly, recognize that some of what you are seeing may be a result of past trauma.
People react to trauma differently. What helped them survive in the past is no longer effective in the present, and their behaviors (i.e., frequent outbursts of anger, dishonesty, etc.) may even push others away. Teach coping strategies for recognizing and managing trauma reactions as well as teaching healthy coping skills.
17. Also, recognize when what you are seeing may be due to a brain injury.
A brain injury can cause personality changes and/or cognitive deficits. Someone with a brain injury could be forgetful, aggressive, anxious, impulsive, and lack emotional regulation, decision-making skills, and problem-solving skills. A thorough biopsychosocial assessment helps to identify brain injuries, but likewise note that there are many individuals who are unaware of past head injuries or their impact.
18. Teach social skills!
Try educating and roleplaying prosocial behavior when you find that you dislike a client. Also, it may be appropriate to let the client know how their behavior impacts you. For example, when a client frequently interrupts, point it out as it happens and express that it is off-putting. Then, wonder aloud how others feel when interrupted by the client. Suggest that they may feel disrespected, unimportant, undermined, or may altogether avoid conversations with the client.
You are making it about you, not the client. Recognize that beginner counselors almost always experience some discomfort and self-doubt. Accept that you may not say the “right” thing or be able to answer a question. Learn to be comfortable with silence. If you truly do not know what to say, be transparent. Say something like, “I’m not familiar with that. Let me think on it (or research it) and get back to you.” Do not allow your anxiety or self-doubt to hinder a client’s experience in therapy. To engage clients who are challenging or indifferent (i.e., never have anything to talk about), use evidence-based psychoeducational or interactive techniques (i.e., guided imagery, handouts, aromatherapy, etc.)
20. Lastly, be aware that if you are annoyed by or dislike a client, they will (most likely) pick up on it.
If you’ve already tried all the tips listed here and you still dislike a client, and if you are unable to be transparent, compassionate, empathetic, and/or show unconditional positive regard, consider termination and referral. Explore your strong reaction to the client with supervisors, and seek training to enhance self-awareness.
Summary
In conclusion, it is important for counselors to be aware of their reactions and biases when they dislike a client. Since it is unethical to refer a client due to personal dislike, counselors should utilize strategies for managing attitudes and assumptions while providing the client with effective, person-centered services.
When you experience feelings of “dislike” for a client, start by reframing your thoughts. Seek supervision and training. Also, effective counselors recognize the difference between personality and symptoms of mental illness, defense mechanisms, or trauma reactions.
As a therapist, do not take it personally, and always remember the roles transference and countertransference play. Set boundaries and practice regular self-care to avoid burnout. Lastly, recognize that there is something to love in everyone. Practice a strengths-based approach and focus on the positive.
Rape culture ideology explains how society normalizes sexual violence while blaming the victim. This is an article about rape culture and how it influences sexual violence.
According to Wikipedia, “rape culture is a sociological concept for a setting in which rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality.”
Rape-culture attitudes/behaviors include victim-blaming, slut-shaming, sexual objectification of women, trivialization of sexual assault, denial of widespread rape, and dismissal of the devastating impact of sexual violence.
The following comments embody rape culture in America:
“In MOST cases (not all), the women raped are hoes dressed in some sleazy material and whine about being taking advantage of later.”
“There is no rape culture. There is such a small percentage of men that rape women, there cannot be a culture. [Rape] isn’t even remotely common.”
“It doesn’t matter if you urge or try to teach [men not to rape], they are going to do what they are going to do. It’s best to be prepared, it’s that simple.”
“To make the implication that a woman can dress and act how she wants and not expect a wolf to find her… is just damn ignorant… you don’t go flaunting fresh meat in front of a primal animal and expect it not to attack.”
The above quotes (edited for spelling/typos) are statements from two middle-aged men in response to a Facebook post. The Facebook post proclaimed that women are routinely urged to cover their drinks, to not walk alone at night, to carry pepper spray, etc., and then posed the question, “CAN WE PLEASE URGE MEN TO NOT SEXUALLY ASSAULT WOMEN?”
Ironically, the very comments intended to disprove rape culture provided proof of its existence (and ugliness).
Rape Culture in America
“Women are no more important than any other potential victims, but we are the primary targets of the messages and myths that sustain rape culture. We’re the ones asked to change our behavior, limit our movements, and take full responsibility for the prevention of sexual violence in society.”
Kate Harding (Author)
How common is rape and/or sexual assault in America?
To start, what are the statistics on sexual violence in the U.S.?
1 in 4 undergraduate women were victims of sexual assault while enrolled in college (compared to 6.8% of undergraduate men).
41.8% of students experienced at least one incident of sexual harassment since enrollment.
Additionally, a 2015 study indicated that 20% of surveyed college men committed some form of sexual assault. Other researchers found that nearly 1 in 10 persons ages 21 and younger perpetrated some type of forced sexual violence.
According to the Uniform Crime Report from the FBI, there were an estimated 139,380 rapes (including attempted rapes) reported to law enforcement in 2018.
It should be noted that the Uniform Crime Report from the FBI under-represents actual incidents of rapes and does not account for other forms of sexual violence.Since most rapes are not reported to the police, the federal government relies on three data collection systems to measure sexual victimization: The Bureau of Justice Statistics’ National Crime Victimization Survey, the CDC National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, and the CDC’s Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System. (For additional sources of reliable data, look to peer-reviewed academic journals and credible sites such as RAINN.)
Per a 2013 report from the U.S. Department of Justice:
Only a third of all rape crimes are reported to the police.
Reasons for not reporting:
Fear of retaliation (from either the perpetrator or society)
Believing the police will not (or cannot) help
Believing rape is a personal or shameful matter
Not wanting to get the perpetrator in trouble
What’s more, reporting rape in itself can be traumatizing, a “second rape.” To avoid this, many women choose not to report.
Experiencing PTSD symptoms during the two weeks following the incident (94%)
Contemplating suicide (33%)
Attempting suicide (13%)
Using illicit drugs
Experiencing problems at work or school (38%)
Experiencing relationship problems with family/friends (37%)
According to research and data from the 2011 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey:
The estimated lifetime cost of rape is $122,461 per victim, or a population economic burden of nearly $3.1 trillion over victims’ lifetimes.
Government sources pay an estimated $1 trillion (32%) of the lifetime economic burden.
What is rape culture?
The concept of rape culture was formulated in the 1970s as a feminist, sociological theory. Rape culture ideology explains how society normalizes male sexual violence while blaming the victim. Additional practices/attitudes that contribute to rape culture include slut-shaming, objectifying women, trivializing rape, denying that widespread rape exists, and minimizing the impact of sexual violence.
Normalizing Rape & Sexual Assault
“[Rape is] unfortunately the nature of the world we live in. Is it not?”
The above comment normalizes sexual violence – it endorses rape as an inevitable fact of life. As a result, emphasis is placed on teaching girls and young women self-defense, vigilance, and modesty. This allows for sexual violence prevention programs to teach “don’t get raped… instead of: don’t rape.” Meanwhile, preventative strategies such as early sex education and interventions for treating aggressive behaviors receive less attention.
For myself, I was taught to yell in a deep voice if assaulted and to not scream. (Supposedly, a high-pitched scream would sexually excite the perpetrator, but a low voice would turn him off.) Also, I carried my keys in hand at night… not so much as to open my car door in a rush, but to stab my attacker in the eye.
“Rape is one of the most terrible crimes on earth and it happens every few minutes. The problem with groups who deal with rape is that they try to educate women about how to defend themselves. What really needs to be done is teaching men not to rape. Go to the source and start there.”
Kurt Cobain
Years later, I took a self-defense class. It was both challenging and empowering. The instructor, before teaching any moves, stressed that to avoid being a victim, the best option is always, always… to run. Self-defense should be used as a last resort.
Self-defense may come in handy, but it’s not a solution to sexual violence. The ultimate goal is not to normalize or defend against, but to eradicate. Rape is not the norm.
Victim-Blaming & Slut-Shaming
“In MOST cases (not all), the women raped are hoes dressed in some sleazy material and whine about being taking advantage of later.”
In a single sentence, the above commenter blames the victim, slut shames, objectifies women (which he later refers to as “fresh meat”), and trivializes the harmful consequences of rape. He implies that “hoes” (i.e., women who enjoy frequent or casual sex) who wear immodest attire should expect or even deserve to be assaulted. He trivializes the harmful impact of sexual violence when he uses the word “whine,” as though rape is a detested chore, not a traumatic and life-altering experience.
Both victim-blaming and slut-shaming contribute to rape culture. What’s more, some women choose to not report sexual assault because they fear the backlash (being blamed or labeled as promiscuous).
Victim-blaming defined is the attitude that the victim of a crime, not the perpetrator, is responsible for the attack. It’s assumed that the victim did something to provoke the assailant or that they somehow deserved what happened (because of the way they were dressed, how they flirted, etc.)
“She told me that my rape was not my fault, that I should feel no shame, that – simple as it may sound – I hadn’t caused it. No one causes rape but rapists. No one causes rape but rapists. No one causes rape but rapists. It was true. And it had not been obvious to me. And hearing it from someone else, a professional, someone who should know, helped me believe that soon I would believe it.”
Acceptance of gender stereotypes (i.e., “It’s not ‘ladylike’ for women to desire sex” or “Women who resist are only playing ‘hard to get'”),
Conservative religious beliefs,
Politically conservative views,
Compulsive sexual behavior,
The belief that rape isn’t “real” if it occurs in a marriage or relationship, and
Believing rape myths to be true.
And other factors contributing to victim-blaming:
There is a perceived threat to the assailant’s masculinity,
The victim is wearing tight, revealing, or sexually suggestive attire,
The victim is viewed as promiscuous,
If either the victim or the attacker were intoxicated at the time,
It’s perceived that the victim did not resist or fight hard enough,
If the assailant uses little or no force,
Sexual objectification of women in society, and
The media’s portrayal of what constitutes “real” rape (i.e., “stranger rape” vs. date or acquaintance rape).
A more subtle form of victim-blaming is placing all the focus on victim with victim-focused (instead of perpetrator-focused) preventative tips. For example, if a woman is advised to avoid empty parking garages, never leave her drink unattended, etc., and then slips up (i.e., her appointment ran late and she has to walk to car alone or she leaves her drink when taking an urgent call during a date), she is faulted (and may blame herself) for her carelessness.
“Women don’t get raped because they were drinking or took drugs. Women do not get raped because they weren’t careful enough. Women get raped because someone raped them.”
Only the rapist is at fault for committing a sex crime, never the victim, regardless of circumstances.
The definition of slut-shaming is “the practice of criticizing people, especially women and girls, who are perceived to violate expectations of behavior and appearance regarding issues related to sexuality.”
Slut-shaming seeks to humiliate, admonish, or degrade a person. Women are harshly judged for so-called loose sexual behaviors while men are not held to a similar standard.
Women as Sexual Objects
Objectification of women reduces them to sex objects that exist primarily for sexual pleasure. Interpersonal objectification is commonplace, and occurs in the form of unwanted body evaluation and/or advances (i.e., catcalls, leering, sexually suggestive remarks about a woman’s appearance, etc.) Sexual objectification also occurs in the media when women are depicted as sex symbols. Sex objectification is both harmful and dehumanizing.
We routinely reject unpleasant truths and information that threaten our worldview. This allows for the dismissal of commonplace rape and sexual assault in America. It’s easier to view rape as a rare and/or fully preventable occurrence.
What’s more, sexist humor may be a way to express real aggressive tendencies or prejudices against women under the guise of a joke.
Rape culture also trivializes the devastating impact of rape. To refer to rape as “just sex” or to tell someone to “get over it already” minimizes the severe consequences of sexual violence.
Traits Associated with Rape Culture
The acceptance of rape myths, which are damaging and unfounded beliefs about rape and sexual violence, contributes to rape culture.
What are some common rape myths?
Rape myths
It’s the victim’s fault due to her actions or appearance. (This is victim-blaming.)
Men rape women due to sexual desire and the need for sexual gratification.
If the woman is drunk or high, it isn’t rape.
Women who dress in revealing or tight clothes are “asking for it.”
If the woman doesn’t fight back, it isn’t rape. (In reality, severe trauma may cause a “freeze” response.)
Individuals that commit rape are unable to stop themselves (due to uncontrollable lust).
Bottom Line: Rape culture promotes sexual aggression. And if you contribute to rape culture, you’re contributing to sexual victimization in America.
“Standing behind predators makes prey of us all.”
DaShanne Stokes
Anti-Rape Culture
To create a culture of anti-rape, we must eradicate rape culture beliefs, practices, and attitudes. Furthermore, we must find a solution-focused approach that aims to eliminate or reduce sexual violence.
Empowerment/assertiveness, sexual assault resistance, and self-defense training programs for women can help to reduce incidences of rape and other forms of victimization. Learning self-defense can also help to increase confidence levels.
Promote Social Norms that Protect Against Violence
Teach Skills to Prevent Sexual Violence
Provide Opportunities to Empower and Support Girls and Women
Create Protective Environments
Support Victims/Survivors to Lessen Harms
An integrated approach that combines early prevention strategies, sex education, ongoing educational programs, and self-defense and empowerment training for women may be the key to creating a counterculture to rape culture, and ultimately eliminating widespread sexual victimization in America.
In sum, sexual violence against women is commonplace and underreported in America. Rape culture contributes to this issue by normalizing male sexual violence, victim-blaming, slut-shaming, sexually objectifying women, trivializing rape, denying the existence of widespread rape, and minimizing the harm caused by sexual violence.
As a way to reduce sexually violent crimes in America, we should focus on strategies that dismantle rape culture, target potential perpetrators, and teach women empowerment and assertiveness. An integrated approach is needed to eliminate rape and sexual assault.
In the very least, take a stand, educate yourself, stay informed, and don’t participate in rape culture!
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