Category: Mental Health

3 Reasons We Keep Toxic People in Our Lives

Why do we keep toxic people in our lives? Despite the emotional costs, many people chose to remain in toxic relationships. This post explores the emotional reasoning behind not letting go.

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Recently, an acquaintance told me about breaking up with his girlfriend, a toxic person for him. His story made me cringe and left me wondering, how on earth did it get to that point? Why do we allow toxic people to remain in our lives?

For my friend, it began when his at-the-time girlfriend covertly moved in with him; initial casual sleepovers morphed into a permanent presence. As weeks turned into months, it became apparent she had some serious mental health issues. The relationship deteriorated, and my friend was ready to reclaim his space.

So, he ended things between them and told her to get out. And… she refused. This is also when he found out she was homeless.

He kicked her out of the bedroom; she started sleeping on the couch. My friend resorted to tactics like removing her phone and parking pass. Despite his efforts, she continued to live (rent-free) on his couch.

To make a long story short… she eventually left… but not until the apartment manager and police got involved.

My friend’s story, while unique, is a stark reminder of how difficult it can be to escape the clutches of a toxic person, even when the signs are glaringly clear. The reality is, it’s never as simple as “it’s over, get out.” Breaking free from a toxic relationship is rarely a clean break.

3 Reasons We Keep Toxic People in Our Lives

What are the reasons we allow toxic people (friends, family, and/or romantic partners) to remain in our lives? Why is it so hard to let go?

1. Either You Need Them (or You Can’t Ignore Them)

A recent study suggests we keep toxic people around simply because their lives are intertwined with ours. For example, your aging mother-in-law, who degrades and insults you, lives at your home, despite the negative impact this has on your life. Your options are limited because your husband is unwilling to put her in a nursing home (and you may also depend on her for things, like childcare or help with the bills).

Another example would be toxic people at work (coworkers, bosses, subordinates, etc.); you don’t have a lot of choice when it comes to your boss or colleagues, and you can’t entirely avoid them or refuse to talk about work-related stuff (unless you’re okay with losing your job). If pursing a new position isn’t practical, your next best option is to find a way to effectively deal with workplace toxicity.

That said, you don’t have the power to change anyone else. To manage your reactions to and interactions with toxic people, acknowledge the need for self-adjustment, including attitude and role. Examine your personal views. Lower/manage expectations for others; accept that people will do and say things you don’t agree with… and it’s not something you can control.

Once you’ve reached the point of radical acceptance, follow guidelines for effective communication (i.e., active listening, avoiding blame, being aware of tone and body language, reflecting for clarity, etc.) in conversations with toxic people, whether it’s your mother-in-law or your boss. By being proactive, you’re doing your part to avoid getting caught up in others’ toxicity.

In the face of unavoidable toxicity, I find switching to a “counselor role” is helpful; I set aside my personal viewpoint, opening myself to alternative views, while seeking to understand (not judge) behavior. (And you don’t have to be a counselor to do this!)

I try to view individuals in terms of “what happened to you?” instead of assuming they’re malicious or intentional (i.e., “what’s wrong with you? People act the way they do for a reason). I don’t know what’s happening in a “toxic” person’s life or what they’ve been through.

Maybe that snarky co-worker is in an abusive relationship and lives in fear. Or maybe her son is in the hospital with brain cancer. Or it’s possible she grew up in a home where her parents yelled and disrespected each other, shaping her view of relationships. The snarky attitude makes sense when viewed through different lenses.

While it’s never okay to be an asshole, I can understand why people are jerks. Somehow, this knowledge serves as an immunity when encountering a toxic person. Their behavior is the result of something bad that happened to them; it has nothing to do with me and I can choose whether or not to engage. They don’t have power to negatively impact me unless I give it up.

2. Toxic Love: It Feels Better to Stay

When Joe Strummer of the Clash sang the question, “Should I stay or should I go now?”; he already knew the answer. We stay in unhealthy relationships or continue to hang out with toxic friends because it feels good (at times, at least).

The boyfriend who yells at you can also be incredibly sweet and caring. Or your gossipy friend who talks about you behind your back also happens to be the most fun person you know. Despite the sense that it’s unhealthy, you (like Strummer) can’t resist. So, you ignore the red flags because you crave the rush or the intensity… or maybe what you desire most is the feeling of being wanted. (Despite the toxicity, it’s worth it, just to feel wanted… or is it?)

Beyond feeling good, it’s entirely possible to deeply love a toxic person (no matter how wrong they are for you). You don’t want to give up on the person they could be; maybe you’re in love with their potential (or an idea of what the relationship could be). You believe it’s better to sacrifice your happiness (your dignity, your well-being, your independence) than to be without the person you love.

On the flip side, some people stay in toxic relationships because deep down, they believe they can’t do any better and/or the abuse is a preferable alternative to being alone. It could also mean they believe they deserve to be punished (which sometimes happens when a person remains in an abusive relationship for a long time). Or they may reason that it’s better to hang out with a “mean girl” than sit and stare at the walls on a Friday night.

If you can relate to staying in a toxic relationship because it feels good or are afraid of being alone, carefully consider and weigh out the long-term costs of a toxic relationship. There are far worse and more damaging things than being alone.

If the idea of being alone terrifies you, maybe it’s an indication that something’s not right… that you’re not okay. It could be a sign of low self-worth or could point to an intense fear of abandonment. It may also signify a lack of understanding of what it means to be in a healthy relationship. Lastly, an intense fear of being alone is associated with some of the personality disorders and/or could be the result of trauma.

3. It’s (So Much) Easier to Stay

Breaking up is messy and uncomfortable. In my experience, most people avoid conflict whenever possible. Despite the fact that conflict is a natural, everyday occurrence, it can feel unpleasant, even for those with expert conflict resolution skills.

In relationships, avoiding conflict does more harm than good. In a healthy relationship, it’s necessary to address problems in order to resolve them, thereby strengthening the relationship.

In a toxic relationship, conflict should not be avoided, but for different reasons. It may be easier to ignore the reality of your situation than to get honest, but this is detrimental (not only to you, but to your partner, who will never have the opportunity to change so long as you enable the toxicity to continue).

You may wish to avoid the emotional drain that accompanies confrontation, but in the long run, you’ll lose more emotional energy if you remain in a toxic relationship. (A steep, one-time payment is preferable to the ongoing, daily emotional sacrifices/abuses associated with toxicity; you’re slowly poisoned as time goes on.)

If you choose to end a toxic relationship, be realistic; it’s not going to be easy… and it’s going to hurt. A lot. You may love this person a great deal (and maybe you’ve long held on to the hope they’d change). Go into it with low (or no) expectations.

When things feel unbearable, remember that the easy things in life matter little; the difficult stuff is what leads to personal growth, success, and resilience.

Conclusion

In closing, I’m sure there are multitudes of reasons people have for staying in unhealthy relationships and keeping toxic people in their lives; this post is by no means comprehensive. I’m also certain, whatever the reason, it seems justifiable to them.

People don’t choose toxicity without some sort of justification (if not for others, then at least for themselves). Unfortunately, rationalizations don’t offer protection from harm. No matter the reason for remaining in a toxic relationship, it’s not worth the cost.

What are some other reasons people keep toxic people in their lives? Why is letting go so hard? Share your thoughts in a comment!

toxic people
  • References
  • Bar-Ilan University. (2018, January 17). Why we keep difficult people in our lives. ScienceDaily. Retrieved July 14, 2018 from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/01/180117152513.htm
  • Offer, S., & Fischer, C.S. (2017). Difficult people: Who is perceived to be demanding in personal networks and why are they there? American Sociological Review, 000312241773795, DOI: 10.1177/0003122417737951

11 Creative Ideas for Self-Care

A list of 11 creative and unique self-care practices for anyone who wants to expand their self-care horizons.

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Self-care is a vital piece of the wellness puzzle. As a mental health professional, I have to practice self-care to prevent burnout. (If I’m not taking care of myself, how am I going to help someone else?)

To illustrate the importance of self-care, consider a vehicle; it requires ongoing maintenance for optimal performance and safety. Similarly, we require self-care. It’s a concept that encompasses a variety of needs, including health, solitude, human connection, self-love, spiritualty, and more.

Self-care advice seems to be everywhere these days. From endless articles to overflowing Pinterest boards, the internet is a bottomless pit of bubble baths and meditation. But let’s be real, most of it feels… uninspired. Lighting a vanilla candle and calling it a day? Yawn.

While there’s merit in those practices, I’m more about the kind of self-care that doesn’t feel like following a generic recipe. If you’re like me and find most self-care suggestions a bit… bland, then welcome! This post is for the self-care rebels, the ones who crave a bit more and want to expand their self-care horizons.

Here are 11 unique ideas for self-care:

1. Create an inspirational scrapbook or a “bliss book”

Any time you happen upon something that makes you smile, inspires you, or motivates you, add it to your scrapbook (or journal or binder). Maybe it’s a photo, a happy thought you jot down, or a magazine article. Alternatively, you could create a “bliss board” on Pinterest.

Creating a bliss book (or board) has the potential to generate positivity and compassion. Whenever you need an emotional pick-me-up, flip through your scrapbook. Share it with others to generate a double dose of cheer!

2. Plan a trip

If you can’t take a vacation, you can at least plan one! Preparation is half the fun (for me, at least)!

Look up places you’d like to travel and research things to do there. Create an itinerary. Set a tentative travel date (even if it’s years from now) so you have something to look forward to.

3. Poop in public bathrooms

If you’re one of those people who avoid going number 2 in public bathrooms, stop. Holding in your poop is uncomfortable and may result in constipation.

If you’re embarrassed about the smell, carry a travel-sized container of Poo-Pourri. If it’s the sound that makes you anxious, run the water or flush as you go. When your body tells you it’s time to go, listen! 

4. Treat yourself to a monthly subscription box for self-care

I love getting mystery packages in the mail! It’s akin to receiving a care package when you’re a kid at summer camp. And when it comes to subscription boxes, there are many to choose from.

Currently, I subscribe to four: Ispy (5 makeup samples in a cute makeup bag for $10), PLAY! by Sephora (5-6 makeup samples for $10), Trendsend (5-8 clothing items and no styling fee!), and StitchFix (a mix of 5 clothing items, shoes, and accessories with a $20 styling fee – fee is deducted from total).

Subscription boxes are fun and a great way for me to build a professional wardrobe and to try new makeup products. (Disclaimer: I receive a referral bonus if you sign up for Ipsy or StitchFix via one of my links.)

5. Sort through childhood toys or photos

Allow yourself time to reminisce. My sister and I recently went through a box of old dolls and stuffed animals; it was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. It released a flood of happy memories and it felt great to laugh.

We chuckled over my Barbie dolls, which all had short, spiky hair; I was a very literal child, so when my sister declared “Barbie haircut day,” I took it to heart. My sister, on the other hand, only pretended to snip her Barbies’ hair. I cried rivers that day.

I also enjoy looking at old family photos. See below for a pic from the year my mom went on a mission to create the perfect Christmas photo letter (the kind moms send out to impress relatives and old friends). “Fred the Christmas Goose” didn’t make the cut.

6. Create something

Practicing holistic self-care means stretching your mind; you benefit from the challenge. Avoid stagnation by stepping outside your comfort zone. Feed your creative side by building a chair, writing a song, painting a picture, knitting a scarf, or putting together a model.

Personally, I enjoy creating art; while not entirely lacking in talent, I’m no Picasso. Most of my projects are equivalent to the work one would accredit to a moderately talented 8-year old. Every once in awhile, I’m pleasantly surprised. (See below for a sketch I posted on Instagram.) Drawing or painting elicits a sense of accomplishment; it’s something I feel good about. 

Acknowledging your contributions builds self-esteem and confidence.

7. Engage with a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend, or a family member

Establishing meaningful human connection is essential for wellness. To make the most of this tip, try something you normally wouldn’t.

For instance, chatting with a stranger is not my norm. To practice this tip, I’d strike up a conversation with my seatmate on a plane [providing, of course, that they’re open to friendly conversation. 

Practicing self-care means building (or strengthening) connections.

8. Go exploring

As a child, nothing thrilled my soul quite like adventure; I explored by trampling through the woods behind my house, traversing streams and following hidden trails. My adventures often involved the discovery of “treasure,” an odd rock or ruins of some sort.

Today, I’m just as adventurous; however, I spend less time crashing through woods and more time traveling the world.

Exploration promotes curiosity, which is essential for growth. If you’re not a fan of outdoor activities like hiking or backpacking, try exploring a city or neighborhood. Consider driving through unfamiliar developments. Explore restaurants or shops in your town.

Whatever you decide, pursue it with the enthusiasm of the 6-year old adventurer you once were.

9. Redecorate your office or a room in your home to make it soothing, energizing, or inspiring

Every time you’re in the room, you’ll experience positive vibes. Paint the walls, add plants, declutter, hang a portrait, change the curtains, create a rock garden, etc. – whatever promotes positivity.

10. Change something about yourself

There’s a lot to be said for loving yourself, flaws and all. On the flip side, if there’s something you’re extremely unhappy with, consider changing it. 

If you’re overweight and have tried every sort of diet, but still can’t shed those pounds, talk to a doctor about weight loss surgery or schedule an appointment with a plastic surgeon. If you’re tired of feeling sluggish and lacking energy, adjust your sleep schedule, diet, and exercise routine (and make sure you see a doctor to rule out a medical issue). If you’re constantly broke, get a second job or find another way to bring in income; enroll in financial courses or schedule an appointment with a financial advisor.

Sometimes, self-care involves drastic change. If you’re deeply troubled over some aspect of your life, and it’s something you’re unable to accept, change it (while recognizing it will require work!) This is your life; take action.

Note: This tip is only for things you have control over; recognize what you can and cannot change. For example, I don’t like my flabby arms; if this bothered me enough, I could lift weights to develop muscle tone. I also dislike my neck; it’s not long enough. Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do. It’s not worth brooding over.

That said, when contemplating any major change, especially ones involving surgery or substantial amounts of money, ask, “Is this change for me alone or am I seeking outside approval?” The essence of self-care is the self; it’s for you and you alone.

11. Adopt a new healthy habit (or quit a bad one)

This idea embodies delayed-gratification self-care vs. instant-gratification self-care. And while both types of self-care are important, the rewards associated with a healthy habit are life-changing (vs. “mildly pleasant”).

According to research, there are five lifestyle habits associated with a low risk of illness and longer life expectancy. If you’re serious about self-care (and want more bang for your buck), adopt one (or all) of the following practices:

  • Eat a healthy diet
  • Exercise regularly
  • Maintain a healthy body weight
  • Drink alcohol in moderation (or not at all)
  • Don’t smoke

A healthy lifestyle is the foundation of self-care!

Share your favorite strategies for self-care in a comment!

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8 Types of Liars

The 8 types of liars fall on a spectrum ranging from sociopathic (the worst type of liar) to “tactful” (the least harmful). What type of liar are you?

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I find the psychology of lying fascinating. So, while browsing research devoted to falsehoods, I started to reflect on the different types of liars I’ve met throughout the years.

This led to a Google search (“types of liars”) to see if it’s a thing. And it is… kinda – for example, there’s the sociopathic liar vs. the occasional liar vs. the white liar… all different types of liars.

The different types of liars can be categorized as ranging on a spectrum from pathological (the very worst type of liar) on one end, to tactful (the least harmful type of liar) on the opposite end (while taking into consideration, of course, the various reasons people lie.)

In this article, I describe the 8 types of liars I’ve encountered, both as a professional counselor and in my personal life.

8 Types of Liars

1. The Pathological Liar

This person lies constantly, for any reason, or for no reason at all. They don’t know when they’re lying and they’re incapable of being honest with not only others, but with themselves. Due to this, it’s impossible to have an authentic relationship with the pathological liar; their reality shifts on a whim.

What I consider pathological lying is what others may refer to as sociopathic. In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), repeated lying is a criterion for diagnosing antisocial personality disorder (formerly known as sociopathy or psychopathy).

The pathological liar isn’t necessarily dangerous or cruel, but they’ll never be someone you can trust. The pathological liar, providing they have other redeeming qualities, is a suitable acquaintance, but never a loyal friend, partner, or spouse.

2. The Intentional Liar

This type of liar enjoys pushing your buttons. They lie for the fun of it – for the sake of entertainment. It makes them feel powerful and in control. The people they lie to are their pawns. They often desire an audience.

While the intentional liar is similar to the pathological liar in some ways, they differ in that they’re fully aware of their untruths. The intentional liar is the high school quarterback who asks the least popular girl to prom… and then tells her it was just a prank – in front of all his friends.

They fib to get a reaction and then say (in a mean-spirited way), “I was just f—ing with you!” Sometimes, the intentional liar poses as a jokester, but they’re malicious and cruel. The only reason they’re not ranked higher than the pathological liar is that by possessing awareness, they at least have the capacity to change.

3. The Manipulative Liar

They lie to get what they want. They have an end goal and will do or say whatever it takes to achieve it.

They often use flattery or say what they think you want to hear in order to get a promotion, make a sale, get elected… or get in your pants.

Like the pathological liar, you won’t know where you stand with the manipulative liar. (Does she think you’re witty? Or does she like free dinner?) The manipulative liar is not malicious, but they can still cause harm. They have no place in your life.

4. The Protective Liar

This type of liar is at times dangerous but can also be perceived as noble; it all depends on what (or who) they’re protecting. They’ll go to any length to protect a secret, be it the murder of their lover’s wife or a demotion at work. They have no moral objections to lying as long as it serves their purpose.

They may protect your secrets as well, making them a loyal friend or spouse.

The danger lies in who or what they choose to protect. This type of liar may possess dark secrets that would shake you to the core if revealed. You’ll never know what they keep hidden and therefore, you’ll never (fully) know who they are. Their secret could be as benign as a childhood stutter… or it could be devastating and unspeakable, such as carrying on a secret love affair with your best friend or a past as a child sexual molester.

5. The Avoidant Liar

They strive to avoid anything they find unpleasant; instead of being honest, they offer partial truths or deflect. It could be that the avoidant liar is evading conflict or doesn’t want to complete a particular task. Maybe they don’t want to be judged. Instead of being straightforward, they make excuses or dance around the truth.

For example, the avoidant liar who opts out of a family dinner because they can’t stand their mother-in-law pleads a migraine. Or the avoidant liar who oversleeps and is late to work tells their boss they got a flat tire. And the avoidant liar who drunkenly spills red wine on the white carpet blames it on the dog.

Avoidant liars are frustrating because they often don’t say what they mean; you can never be sure if you’re getting the truth, a half-truth, or a made-up excuse.

6. The Impressive Liar

They aim to impress. This person might not see themselves as a liar; they may not even realize they’re being deceitful. They fabricate to gain the approval of others. They may stretch the truth to make a story a bit funnier. They fake a feeling to seem more self-assured than they are.

Lying to impress is more of a habit than a conscious act. The impressive liar believes their own stories after telling them time after time. (For example, after multiple retellings of a bar fight, the impressive liar actually believes that he knocked out three burly bikers, when in reality, he broke his fist attempting to punch the bartender for cutting him off.)

Impressive liars are mostly harmless, but can be annoying, especially when they’re obviously fibbing. They pose little risk… but why spend time with someone who feels the need to pretend to be something they’re not?

7. The Lazy Liar

Sometimes, speaking candidly requires an explanation. The lazy liar streamlines the truth because it’s less complicated than giving the full narrative.

For example, saying, “I was late because I grabbed the wrong report” is easier than “I’m late because after I grabbed the report, I realized one page was missing, and when I went back, I had to reprint the entire report because the page numbers were off and the heading was on a separate sheet. I then stopped to use the bathroom.” (Not worth the effort, right?)

Lazy lying is (relatively) harmless. The lazy liar doesn’t share the full story; rather, they opt to recount the edited “movie version” of the truth as opposed to the 700-page book version. (The only time lazy lying can be problematic is when the lazy liar deems a detail unimportant when it is, in fact, imperative.)

8. The Tactful Liar

They are considerate and well-meaning. They offer overly-optimistic reassurances when things aren’t going well and find themselves saying things like, “It wasn’t that bad” (even when yes, it was indeed that bad).

They’re pleasant to be around. Your plus-sized butt will never look fat in jeans and your disastrous dye job will be “edgy,” not “traffic-cone orange.”

You also won’t know when there’s spinach in your teeth, if your fly is down, when your breath is bad, or if your PowerPoint presentation was dull.

The tactful liar has the best of intentions; they don’t want to upset you or hurt your feelings. What they lack in candor, they make up for in amiability.

An honorable mention for the heroic (self-sacrificing) liar. This type of liar is exceedingly rare, which is why they’re not included with the eight more common types of liars.

The heroic liar is similar to the protective liar in that they’ll go to extremes to protect, but in their case, they lie to defend (or safeguard) someone they love (or to save a stranger even, if they believe it’s the right thing to do).

For example, if two children (brothers) are playing, and the youngest breaks a lamp, the older (heroic liar) will take the blame to save the younger from a spanking.

The heroic liar’s place on the spectrum would fall at the very end, past the well-meaning liar.

Can you relate to any of the above liars? Maybe you’re personally acquainted with one (or several) of them?

For more on the signs of a pathological liar and how to cope, click here.

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Where Can I Find Help?

Where can you find the help you need? While there are plenty of resources out there for mental health and recovery, they’re not always easy to find… or affordable. (Plus, the Internet is full of scams!) This article is a starting point for getting help when you aren’t sure where to turn. This post offers practical guidelines; all of the resources in this article are trustworthy and reliable… and will point you in the right direction.

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This post is not comprehensive; rather, it is a starting point for getting the help you need. There are plenty of resources out there for mental health and recovery, but it is not always easy (or affordable) to find help. The resources in this post are trustworthy and reliable… and will point you in the right direction so you can find help.

If you need treatment for mental distress or substance use but are not sure where to start…

If you have insurance, check your insurer’s website.

For substance use and mental health disorders, you can access the SAMHSA treatment locator. You can find buprenorphine treatment (medication-assisted treatment for opioid addiction) through SAMHSA as well.

Consider using Mental Health America’s interactive tool, Where to Get Help. NeedyMeds.org also has a locator to help you find low-cost mental health and substance abuse clinics.

Additionally, you could contact your local Mental Health America Affiliate for advice and/or referrals.

If you can’t afford therapy…

EAP (employee assistance programs) frequently offer free (time-limited) counseling sessions.

At campus counseling centers, grad students sometimes offer free or low-cost services.

You could look into community mental health centers or local churches (pastoral counseling).

In some areas, you may be able to find pro bono counseling services. (Google “pro bono counseling” or “free therapy.”) You may also be able to connect with a peer specialist or counselor (for free) instead of seeing a licensed therapist.

As an alternative to individual counseling, you could attend a support group (self-help) or therapy group; check hospitals, churches, and community centers. The DBSA peer-lead support group locator tool will help you find local support groups. Meetup.com may also have support group options.

Additional alternatives: Consider online forums or communities. Watch or read self-help materials. Buy a workbook (such as The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Depression: A Step-By-Step Program) from Amazon. Download a therapy app.

Lastly, you could attend a free workshop or class at a local church, the library, a college or university, a community agency, or a hospital.

If you’re under 18 and need help, but don’t want your parents to know…

Some, but not all, states require parental consent for adolescents to participate in therapy. Start by looking up the laws in your state. You may be able to see a treatment provider without consent from a legal guardian. If your state is one that mandates consent, consider scheduling an appointment with your school counselor. In many schools, school counseling is considered a regular educational service and does not require parental consent.

Self-help groups, while not a substitute for mental health treatment, provide a venue for sharing your problems in a supportive environment. (If you suffer from a mental health condition, use NAMI to locate a support group in your state. If you struggle with addiction, consider AA or NA.)

Alternatively, you could join an online forum or group. (Mental Health America offers an online community with over 1 million users and NAMI offers OK2Talk, an online community for adolescents and young adults.)

You could also contact a Mental Health America Affiliate who would be able to tell you about local resources and additional options.

If you are in crisis, call the Boys Town Hotline at 1-800-448-3000 or the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK. Alternatively, you can text HOME to 741741 to text with a trained crisis counselor.

Lastly, consider talking with your pastor or a trusted teacher, reading self-help materials, downloading a therapy app, journaling, meditation or relaxation techniques, exercising, or therapy podcasts/videos.

If a friend or loved one says they’re going to harm or kill themselves…

Call 911 or 988. If you are with that person and are able to, stay with them until help arrives.

If you’re thinking about hurting or killing yourself…

Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or Veterans Crisis Line. Alternatively, you can text HOME to 741741 to text with a trained crisis counselor. Call 911 if you think you might act. 

If you’re grieving a loss…

Check local hospitals and churches for grief support groups; some areas may have nonprofits that offer free services, such as Let Haven Help or Community Grief and Loss Center in Northern Virginia.

Additionally, a funeral home or hospice center may be able to provide resources.

If you are a veteran, you and your family should be able to access free counseling through the VA.

The Compassionate Friends offers support after the loss of a child. Call for a customized package of bereavement materials (at no charge) or find a support group (in-person or online).

GRASP is a grief and recovery support network for those who have lost a loved one through substance use. You can find suicide support groups using the American Association of Suicidology’s directory or the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s support group locator.

Hello Grief provides resources and education for children and adolescents who are grieving.

There are also online communities, forums, and support groups, including groups for suicide survivors such as Alliance of Hope and Parents of Suicides – Friends and Families of Suicides.

If you’re sexually assaulted or being abused…

If you are sexually assaulted, call 911 or the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 (or live chat). Find help and resources at National Sexual Violence Resource Center.

For male survivors of sexual abuse: MaleSurvivors.org

For domestic violence: The National Domestic Violence Hotline

For gender-based violence: VAWnet

For teen dating abuse: LoveIsRespect or Break The Cycle

LGBTQ: National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs for LGBT Communities

If you’re a victim of sex trafficking…

Access Coalition to Abolish Slavery and Trafficking or call National Human Trafficking Hotline at 1-888-373-7888 (or text 233733).

If you have a problem with gambling…

Call or text the National Problem Gambling Helpline at 1-800-522-4700. Access screening tools and treatment at National Council on Problem Gambling. Attend a Gamblers Anonymous Group or other support group for problem gambling.

If you or a loved one has an eating disorder…

If you want to approach a loved one about his or her eating disorder, start by reading some guidelines (such as Helping Someone with an Eating Disorder from HelpGuide.org).

Contact the National Eating Disorders Helpline at 1-800-931-2237. (Alternatively, there’s a “live chat” option.) For support, resources, screening tools, and treatment options, explore the National Eating Disorder Association site.

Find support groups, recovery tools, and local treatment centers at Eating Disorder Hope.

Attend an Eating Disorders Anonymous meeting (in-person or online). You may also want to consider an Overeaters Anonymous meeting.

If you self-injure and can’t seem to stop…

Call 1-800-DONT-CUT or attend an online support group, such as Self Mutilators Anonymous.

Read personal stories, learn coping skills, and access resources at Self-injury Outreach and Support.

Join an online community like RecoverYourLife.com.

Try one of these 146 things to do instead of engaging in self-harm from the Adolescent Self Injury Foundation.

If you’re worried about a loved one’s drinking or drug use, but they don’t think they have a problem…

If you’re considering staging an intervention, know that there’s little to no evidence to support the effectiveness of this tactic. 

Instead, read guidelines for approaching the issue (like What to Do If Your Adult Friend or Loved One Has a Problem with Drugs or How to Talk about Addiction). Learn everything that you can about addiction. Explore treatment centers in the area; if your loved one changes their mind, you’ll be prepared to help.

Explore Learn to Cope, a peer-led support network for families coping with the addiction of a loved one. Alternatively, you could attend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon.

Keep in mind that it’s almost impossible to help someone who doesn’t want it. You can’t control your loved one or force them into treatment. Instead, find a way to accept that there’s no logic to addiction; it’s a complex brain disorder and no amount of pleading, arguing, or “guilting” will change that.

If a loved one overdoses on opioids…

Call 911 immediately.

How to recognize the signs of opiate overdose: Recognizing Opiate Overdose from Harm Reduction Coalition

You can receive free training to administer naloxone, which reverses an opioid overdose. Take an online training course at Get Naloxone Now. You can purchase naloxone OTC in most states at CVS or Walgreens.

For more information about how to respond to an opioid overdose, access SAMHSA’s Opioid Overdose Prevention Toolkit (for free).

If you want to quit smoking…

In addition to talking to your doctor about medication, the patch, and/or nicotine gum, visit Smoke Free, Be Tobacco Free, or Quit.com for resources, tools, and tips.

Call a smoking cessation hotline (like 1-800-QUIT-NOW) or live chat with a specialist, such as LiveHelp (National Cancer Institute).

Download a free app (like QuitNow! or Smoke Free) or sign up for a free texting program, like SmokefreeTXT, for extra support.

Attend an online workshop or participate in a smoking cessation course; your insurance provider may offer one or you may find classes at a local hospital or community center. You could also contact your EAP for additional resources.

If you or a loved one have a problem with hoarding…

Read guidelines for approaching a hoarding issue with someone such as Hoarding: How to Help a Friend.

Learn more about hoarding and find help (support groups, treatment, etc.) at Hoarding: Help for Hoarding.

If your therapist is making unwanted sexual remarks or advances…

Contact the licensing board to file a complaint. Each state has a different licensing board. Additionally, contact the therapist’s professional association (i.e. American Counseling Association, American Psychological Association, etc.) Provide your name, address, and telephone number (unless filing anonymously). Identify the practitioner you are reporting by his or her full name and license type. Provide a detailed summary of your concerns. Attach copies (not originals) of documents relating to your concerns, if applicable.

Read NAMI’s How Do I File a Complaint against a Mental Health Care Facility or Professional?

If you want to find out if you may have a mental disorder or addiction…

Free and anonymous screenings: Screening for Mental Health, Inc. or Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance Mental Health Screening

For additional sites, self-help guides, literature, etc., see Resource Links.

If you know of a great resource, post in the comments below!

find help

Guest Post: Diabetes Took a Toll on My Mental Health

Diabetes can take a toll on anyone. Michele Renee was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes at the age of 22. In this post, she describes her experience with the disease, including how it affected her mental health. She also shares the key to finding peace with her illness.

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Diabetes can take a toll on anyone, if not taken care of properly. When it comes to mental health though, diabetes is known to affect certain aspects of day to day life.

Image by Photo Mix from Pixabay

Guest Post: The Toll Diabetes Takes on My Mental Health

I first found out I had diabetes type 2 when I was 22 years old. I was overly stressed and eating my feelings way more than I should have. The stress and unhealthy lifestyle were what triggered my diabetes symptoms.

I have always dealt with depression and low self-esteem, but once my symptoms were triggered, I started to deal with memory loss, and a foggy brain. The best way to describe that experience is like you learn something that doesn’t quite make sense, but you could see where the concept is headed but you still can’t figure it out.

Then five minutes later you completely forget the meaning of the concept and where it was headed. I dealt with this constantly. I was in college during this time, and I ended up failing quite a bit of classes because I just couldn’t understand what I was learning. Also, on a test day, I would forget almost everything that I had studied.

HOW I MANAGE DIABETES DAY TO DAY

I started having to keep an ongoing list of “To Do’s” and would have to revisit the list four or five times before I remembered to finish the “To Do” item.

This crossed over into my conversations with my friends and loved ones as well. Some days I wouldn’t remember what I said in a conversation from the day before. The short-term memory loss was horrible!

But once I started eating according to a diabetes diet, the fogginess and memory loss started to go away.

I also dealt with insomnia and poor sleep, and in a lot of ways that was a result of the foods I was eating. Once I changed my diet, and started exercising more, I slept a lot better.

Diabetes & Other Mental Health Issues

On top of diabetes, I also have a few other mental illnesses. One of them being bipolar disorder, rapid cycling. My highs would go for a week, then I would feel normal, then I would be low for another week, in terms of mood.

During my highs, I would often forget to eat, and that would leave me feeling shaky (a result of low blood sugar) and anxious. Some days, I would forget to eat for hours because I wanted to finish whatever inspiring project I was working on at the minute.

On my low mood swings, I would feel so depressed and sad, and sometimes even numb that I would binge eat. The binge eating would either be fast food or sugary foods (both of which I HAVE to avoid). This would cause me to feel nauseous and I would often get horrible migraines (a result of high blood sugar).

Insecurities From Diabetes

Dealing with both diabetes and my other mental health issues caused me to gain a ton of weight in the last fours years. I have gone through times where I lost the weight, then gained it back six months later.

It left me feeling very insecure, and like I had a bigger body than I actually do. I stopped taking photos of myself, and was mortified everytime I took a group photo with my friends. I found myself disgusted by my looks.

This led me to judge myself harshly when I deviated from my diet, and honestly probably pushed me to deviate more and more. The bad food was my comfort from my harsh criticism. It became a vicious cycle.

Healthy Living

Now, I try not to judge myself as harshly anymore. After beating myself up for so many years, I came to realize that I can find peace in this illness. I have managed it with diet alone and that is honestly a huge feat.

Most people who are diagnosed have to take either insulin shots or an insulin pill. I have pushed myself to find a healthy lifestyle that works for me. Once I did that, I started practicing accepting my flaws.

That is the hardest part of learning to love yourself, in my opinion. I also gathered a really strong support system that I go to almost every day when I am feeling super low or when I am feeling extremely insecure.

I also remind myself that no one is perfect, and we are all a work in progress. I have started putting little affirmations anywhere I can; I even made wallpaper affirmations for my phone!

Mental health is hard to handle when you are diabetic, but if you learn to love yourself, the process of managing it gets easier.

By Guest Blogger, Michele Renee

Read more of Michele’s inspiring posts at Life With Michele Renee, a lifestyle and wellness blog!

9 Dangerous Myths & Misconceptions About Mental Illness

Are mentally ill people violent? Can mental illness be overcome through willpower? Is addiction a choice? This post addresses some of the myths and misconceptions about mental illness.

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There is stigma attached to mental illness and substance use. The media, unfortunately, perpetuate stigma by spreading misinformation.

For example, every time a school shooting occurs, the media attributes it to (or at least references) mental illness. Journalists first, and then social media trolls sensationalize news stories about the shooter’s eccentricities and all the signs that were missed. Upon learning that the shooter was having problems at home and didn’t get along with his peers, one might suspect mental illness. And suspicion becomes certainty when mental illness is viewed as the only plausible rationale behind the senseless violence. (It’s also rationalized that ‘normal’ people don’t shoot each other for no reason. So when there is no apparent motive, mental illness is blamed.)

Next, mainstream media circulates the story about the depressed kid turned killer. The message received is “mental illness is dangerous” or “people with mental disorders are criminals.” This misinformation is absorbed and regurgitated in society, online and off, and misconceptions about mental illness persevere.

Unfortunately, misconceptions about mental illness are common, and not just with the media. Even healthcare workers, including mental health professionals, believe common myths.

In this post, I will address some common myths and misconceptions about mental illness.


Ignorance is the root of stigma. The more you know, the less you fear, and the less you’ll stigmatize. Read on to learn about myth versus fact.

9 Myths & Misconceptions About Mental Illness

1. Bad parenting causes mental illness.

MOSTLY MYTH

Even today, there is no single identified cause that explains mental illness.

However, there are multiple known risk factors (biological, environmental, and social) that contribute to the development of mental disorders. Having a genetic predisposition to mental illness is the biggest risk factor. Genetics largely determine if a person will develop schizophrenia, depression, substance use disorder, etc. About 40-60% of mental illness is determined by biology.

Physiological factors (such as structural differences or chemical abnormalities in the brain) are another risk factor. Additional biological risk factors include prenatal damage, brain injury or defects, illness or exposure to toxins, and damage from drug and alcohol use.

Environmental and social factors include fetal exposure to a toxin and childhood trauma, among others.

Childhood abuse and neglect undoubtedly fall into the ‘bad parenting’ category. What’s more, adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are associated with chronic disease, obesity, decreased immune function, substance use, and mental illness in adulthood.

While childhood abuse, neglect, and even spanking are linked to poorer mental health outcomes, bad parenting does not cause mental illness. Bad parenting can be a risk factor, depending on severity and impact, as well as the presence or absence of protective factors. (Protective factors include resiliency, health, feeling safe at home, etc.) Also, ‘bad’ parenting is somewhat subjective.

Generally, the more risk factors (and fewer protective factors) a person has, the more likely they are to develop a mental illness.

2. Mental illness is not a medical disease.

MYTH

Heart disease affects the heart. Colon cancer affects the colon. Autoimmune disorders affect the immune system. Brain disorders (i.e. mental illness, addiction, brain cancer, dementia, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, etc.) affect the brain.

Like other organs, the brain is susceptible to disease. Brain disease manifests as changes in behaviors, thoughts, memory/processing, speech, emotional regulation, judgment, and more. Because your brain is the body’s control system, brain disease may also impact balance, muscle coordination, the ability to use your sense of taste, smell, touch, etc.

You cannot ‘see’ mental health symptoms the way you can see some physical health symptoms (such a rash or a broken bone), but you also don’t see most physical health symptoms.

When you have a headache, no one else can see it. You don’t even know what’s happening to the neurotransmitters and synapses across the lobes in your brain. You’re solely responsible for describing the pain to your doctor so they can prescribe the right treatment.

In reality, there’s not such a huge distinction between so-called physical and mental illnesses. They can both be painful and debilitating, and may require medical treatment.

3. All sociopaths are dangerous.

MISCONCEPTION

The term ‘sociopath’ (or psychopath) is frequently associated with serial killers. The reality is that you probably know a sociopath and they aren’t a murderer.

In fact, ‘sociopathy’ and ‘psychopathy’ are no longer recognized as diagnoses in the mental health world due to negative connotations. The diagnosis became associated with a sterotypical portrayal of a psychopath as a ruthless and insane serial killer. The stereotype is perpetuated by filmakers and TV producers and continues to show up in movies and series even today, despite the glaring inaccuracies with the diagnosis.

The correct term is antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), a mental illness characterized by an ongoing disregard for and violation of the rights of others. An individual with ASPD may also be exceptionally charismatic. (Some of the most charming and engaging clients I’ve ever worked with had ASPD.)

However, research indicates that an individual with ASPD is more likely to become involved in criminal activity,to have a substance use disorder, and to be aggressive; about 50% of individuals with ASPD have some sort of criminal record. 

While it’s a misconception to say all individuals with ASPD are dangerous, the link between ASPD and crime is not unfounded.

4. Mental illness can be overcome with willpower.

MYTH

This is 100% myth. The notion that mental illness can be overcome with willpower goes hand-in-hand with the belief that mental illness is not a ‘real’ medical condition. 

A mental disorder typically requires treatment, such as medication and therapy, and ongoing illness management. 

All the willpower in the world will not help someone overcome heart disease. And it does not work that way with mental illness either.

5. Addiction is a choice.

MYTH

Substance use disorder is no more of a choice than diabetes or cancer. Like most diseases, addiction develops when a combination of genetic, physiological, psychological, and environmental factors are present. Lifestyle choices also play a role. Unfortunately, the myth that addiction is a moral failing persists.

An individual who has an addiction receives more blame than someone with a heart condition, even though lifestyle choices heavily impact both disorders. I have even heard the argument that addicts who overdose should not be revived because it was their ‘choice’ to use. If that is the logic, then should we stop providing life saving care to someone who is obese when they have a heart attack or to a smoker with lung cancer? Of course not.

At times, we all make poor decisions. For someone with a predisposition for addiction, the choice to drink may lead to alcohol use disorder. For the person with a predisposition for diabetes, eating an unhealthy diet or living a sedentary lifestyle will result in consequences.

Furthermore, once a person develops a substance use disorder, physiological and structural changes in the brain dissolve the element of choice. The brain misinterprets a craving for drugs or alcohol. (Remember the last time you experienced extreme thirst? That is what it is like to be addicted to something.)

Having a substance use disorder is miserable, lonely, and shameful. No one chooses that.

6. People with mental illness are violent.

MISCONCEPTION

Having a mental illness does not make someone more likely to commit a crime or act of violence, especially if that person is following treatment recommendations for psychotherapy, medication, etc. Rather, biolocial, psychological, and environmental factors are associated with violent behavior. In the general population, younger males in lower socioeconomic classes with lower levels of education and employment are the most likely to engage in violent acts, not persons with mental illness.

While the media would have us believe that mental illness is at the root of every mass shooting, this isn’t the case. Most people with mental health problems do not commit violent acts or crimes, and most violent acts are not committed by people with mental illness. It’s also true that persons with severe mental illness are more likely to be victims of crime.

Moreover, individuals with mental illness are more likely to die by suicide. Persons with schizophrenia have higher rates of suicide than the general population. Depression, bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder are also linked to suicide.

A mental disorder is a medical condition; having weak morals is a personality trait, and while it seems mentally sick, it’s not fair to compare a lack of morals to a condition like depression or anxiety.

7. Mental illness is the same thing as mental retardation.

MISCONCEPTION

I am friends with a nurse who did not know the difference (until I pointed it out). A person with a mental illness may seem less intelligent due to various factors, but mental illness is not comparable to mental retardation. Today, we refer to mental retardation as intellectual disability (due to the negative connotations attached to the word ‘retarded’).

A person with an intellectual disability (ID) struggles to understand, comprehend, and/or form memories. A person with mental illness, on the other hand, may have superior intelligence, but could seem slow due to distractions brought on by their illness. (For example, it is difficult to focus on a conversation when you’re having racing thoughts or hearing voices.)

8. A person with schizophrenia has multiple personalities.

MYTH

A person with schizophrenia may hear voices and even respond to what they hear, but they do not have multiple personalities. Multiple personality disorder (MPD), on the other hand, is associated with distinct personalities.

Today, MPD is referred to as dissociative identity disorder (DID). A person with DID has at least two distinct personality states, and suffers from gaps in memory. The prevalence of DID is largely unknown, but it’s estimated that 1-2% of Americans have DID. DID occurs so rarely that its existence was once disputed in the scientific community. There is a strong correlation between DID and childhood trauma and abuse.

With schizophrenia, the voices may be distinct, have their own names, and can be experienced as different personalities (male, female, child adult, friendly, cruel, etc.) or entities, but someone with schizophrenia has only one personality. Dissociation is not a typical symptom of schizophrenia.

In addition to auditory hallucinations, someone with schizophrenia may experience visual hallucinations, delusions, disorganized thoughts, cognitive deficits, and/or what’s referred to as negative symptoms. A negative symptom is a lack of something that is typically present in someone without schizophrenia. For example, a person with schizophrenia may be socially withdrawn or he/she may seem very flat, or without emotion.

9. Alcohol makes you depressed because it is a depressant.

MISCONCEPTION

Yes, alcohol is a depressant. As a depressant, it depresses your central nervous system, leading to slurred speech, trouble with coordination, etc. The intoxicating effects of alcohol are not symptoms of depression.

However, heavy alcohol use is associated with depression and other mental disorders. Someone who has depression or anxiety may drink to self-medicate. Alternatively, someone with an alcohol use disorder may develop depression, as alcohol upsets the chemical balance in the brain. What’s more, a person may regret the things they do while intoxicated, leading to intense guilt, shame, and/or hopelessness.

Help to fight stigma and misconceptions about mental illness by sharing this!

misconceptions about mental illness

5 Powerful Things Counseling Taught Me (Part Two)

Learn to be more effective in your personal and professional life! This is the second installment of how counseling has led to a better understanding of people. Working with addiction and mental illness has gifted me with the capacity to better recognize why people do what they do, which in turn enhances how I relate to others.

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This is the second installment of life lessons counseling taught me. Being a therapist has led me to a better understanding of humanity and myself. (In Part One, I discussed life lessons on calmness, silence, active listening, partial truths, and hidden agendas.)

Working with addiction and mental illness has gifted me with the capacity to better recognize why people do what they do, which in turn enhances how I relate to others. As a result, I’m more effective in my personal and professional life. I have a sense of peace and “okayness” in the world.

One thing I hadn’t previously considered was brought up by Quora user and mental health professional, G. Bernard (MA Counseling); he shared that counseling revealed the truth about change. “It has really reinforced that idea that people who want change will work harder to achieve it; those who are forced (legally, by parents, spouse etc.) probably won’t.” 

I agree with this 100%. People can’t be forced into change; and when they are, their efforts lack fortitude and it doesn’t last. Those who are internally motivated will fight for change, making it worthwhile and enduring.

Here are additional truths and life lessons I gained through my counseling career.

What counseling taught me (the second installment of life lessons):

1. A new perspective

The DSM – Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (the “Bible” for mental health professionals) – uncovered a whole new world for me. Sure, I was familiar with mental illnesses like depression, PTSD, and anxiety before grad school. I took Abnormal Psych in college and even before that, I’d read books on schizophrenia, eating disorders, and other mental disorders. (Guess who did their middle school science project on schizophrenia? Me!)

But my fleeting knowledge was laughable compared to what I found in the DSM; it provided me with information on every single diagnosable mental disorder. When I started working with clients, I was able to see how mental illness manifests in real life.

The more I learned (and saw), the more I was able to make sense of behaviors. Consequently, this led to me looking back on people I’ve encountered throughout the years. I realized how many of them had been struggling with a mental illness. (At the time, I probably just thought they were just a jerk, or acting inconsiderately.)

I also became more aware of the prevalence of severe mental illness and the way it presents in society. This led to increased tolerance and patience regarding behaviors I’d previous found annoying; counseling taught me to recognize them for what they were.

Mental illness can easily be interpreted as something it’s not. By having an awareness, I’m more compassionate. Instead of judging, I observe. Someone who seems snobby may have social anxiety. That coworker who calls out sick every Monday may be struggling with addiction. A friend who never wants to go out anymore could be depressed.

Mental illness is everywhere if you know what to look for. Counseling taught me to strive to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, which is better for my mental health.

2. Don’t give money to the homeless

I worked with a client at a residential program who had an amazing talent for creating clever signs. He’d use markers to write his message (“Will dance for food!”) on a piece of cardboard before grabbing his pail to hit the streets. He didn’t need the money; he received government benefits (funded by taxpayers). The money he earned panhandling funded his K2 habit or the occasional beer.

Many of the “homeless” people you meet are not homeless; they’re con men (or women) who make a profit on your sympathy. Some are either addicted to drugs/alcohol and/or severely mentally ill; they need treatment, not the crinkled dollar bill in your pocket. Giving your spare change isn’t helping that person. Instead, offer to buy a meal, give them a pair of socks, or hand them a bottle of water.

3. Telling someone what to do is not helpful

Giving advice rarely leads to lasting change.

There are a few different reasons why advice, no matter how well-meaning, isn’t helpful. Firstly, it doesn’t account for the person’s full experience or struggle; it could seem ignorant or insensitive. (For example, “Why don’t you just get a divorce?” is not helpful to a woman struggling with her husband’s infidelity; the problem is more complex than just getting a divorce. Children could be involved. Maybe she’s financially dependent on her husband. Maybe she’s still in love with him. Or maybe it’s against her religious beliefs.)

Advice also robs a person of the ability to solve their own problem. We need to learn to find solutions in life in order to grow and to be effective. If someone is always told what to do, they’re not going to learn to function independently.

Lastly, if advice is taken, and it works, the credit goes to the advice giver, not the taker. The results are less meaningful. Alternatively, if advice is taken and it doesn’t work, it becomes the advice giver’s fault. Advice deprives a person of being able to take full ownership of their actions.

Counseling taught me that if you own your decision and fail, the blame falls on you (helping you to grow as a person) or if you succeed, the triumph is yours alone. Either way, you’re better off finding your own solutions; this allows you to feel capable and you’ll become better at solving problems in the future.

4. The value of transparency and honesty

Counseling taught me that people like to know what’s happening and what to expect. I get better reactions from clients when I explain why I’m doing or saying what I am. I’m honest, and when I can’t be (or believe it would be inappropriate to do so), I tell clients exactly that. For example, if a client asks about my religion, I’d let them know I don’t feel comfortable sharing personal aspects of my life.

Personally, I prefer the company of others who are straightforward. I don’t like having to guess if someone is upset with me. I don’t like it when someone is nice to my face, but gossips when I’m not around. Those types of games are played by people who are insecure or who are attempting to manipulate you. Life is complicated enough. With me, you’ll know if your fly is down, and if you ask for my opinion, you’ll get it. (There’s much to be said for tact though!) Gentle truths are worth more than flattery. 

5. You can’t demand respect

It’s something that’s earned through words and actions, not freely given. Forced respect is not true respect; it’s fear or deception. And while I believe in treating everyone with respect, I don’t truly respect someone until I know what kind of person they are.

Furthermore, I’ve learned that if someone chooses to disrespect me, it’s not a threat. Respect is powerful, but disrespect? Feeble and pathetic. If someone is disrespectful, it won’t harm you or make you less of a person (unless you give it that control).

Throughout my career, I’ve been disrespected on many, many occasions by clients who don’t want to be in treatment (and even by colleagues with differing opinions). Counseling taught me that my sense of self-worth is not dependent on how others treat me. As a result, disrespect from angry clients (or rude salespersons or drivers who cut me off, etc.) doesn’t faze me.

In sum, being a counselor is life-changing. I imagine many professions are to a degree, but I can’t picture any other job leading to such a deep understanding of humanity. Entering the mental health field is like having horrible vision and then finally getting glasses (except it happens over the course of years). I have an enhanced awareness of who I am along with an unforeseen sense of serenity. 

Every single client who’s shared a piece of their story has contributed to my awareness (and to my own personal growth), and I owe them gratitude for the life lessons I received. I’m more cautious in life, yes, but I’m also more compassionate. Instead of having high expectations, I have high hopes. I don’t attempt to control things I have no control over; and I don’t get angry over the decisions, views, or actions of others. Instead, I channel my energy into something more productive; I’m passionate and I’m an advocate. My beauty pageant answer to the stereotypical question is not “world peace”; it’s for everyone to have a deeper understanding of each other.

What life lessons have you learned in your career? Please share in a comment!

counseling taught me

5 Powerful Things Counseling Taught Me (Part One)

Counseling is generous in that it’s supplied me with the tools needed for not only professional growth, but personal success, emotional well-being, personal development, and effective communication. It’s also taught me about various aspects of human nature, from the brightest to the murkiest.

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In grad school, I learned theories and techniques of counseling. I learned basic and advanced counseling skills; I practiced various interventions and methods. My professors taught developmental theories and multicultural competence. I took classes in career counseling, family counseling, and couples counseling; I studied research and ethics.

And when I accepted a substance abuse counselor position at a drug and alcohol treatment center… I had no clue what I was doing… or how to be a counselor. I went into my first year as a clinician with self-doubt and uncertainty.

Negative thoughts consumed me. I questioned myself and wondered if I was in the right field.

“Do I have what it takes to be an effective counselor?” 

“Should I have pursued a career in research instead?” 

“Should I have pursued anything instead?” 

“Am I capable of helping others?” 

Furthermore, social anxiety crippled my ability to relate to clients; being genuine was difficult. I couldn’t stop comparing myself to other “seasoned” clinicians, which only made things worse.

Gradually, my doubts and fears subsided; I felt more comfortable in my role. I accepted and settled into my new identity as a professional counselor; it was a good fit. I stopped trying to “fix” or control clients.

Anxiety no longer dictated my actions; I found a way to take ownership of my mistakes and accomplishments. Moreover, I learned to be okay with making mistakes. I accepted that I would never have all the answers. I let go of irrational beliefs that had previously plagued me. I thrived.

Today, I can reflect on my journey and on the positive changes I’ve made throughout the years. My chosen career is generous in that it’s supplied me with the tools needed for not only professional growth, but personal growth — success, emotional well-being, personal development, and effective communication.

I’ve learned a lot the past ten years. This post explores the discoveries I’ve made and how I apply that knowledge to my life. But before delving into what I’ve learned, here’s what a few other clinicians have said on the topic:

Nancy Lee, MA, LPCC, Psychotherapist in Aurora, CO

“Being a counselor has shown me that it’s possible to live on the edge of what I know and don’t know. In a single moment, I can feel strong and confident, yet small and humble. Counseling isn’t about fixing problems. It’s about believing in my client’s capacity to connect with their own solutions, insight, and growth.”

Robert Martin, M.Ed Early Childhood Education & Counseling, Francis Marion University

“There is no learning … if there is not a relationship… The foundation of counseling and teaching is [the] relationship. There must be a connection. The student must know that you care about them personally and it is ok to make a mistake … Consequences and corrections can be given, but always directed at the behavior [and] never the person … That you are only talking about their behavior when you correct them … and not them. They must feel that you respect them … and if you make a mistake say, “I’m so sorry. I made a mistake.” … [Always respect] their differences, their hopes and weakness, their failures, their dreams, their divinity. There is nothing more important than this…”

Bridget Cameron, Artist, Depth Psychologist, Stress Counselor (1992-present)

“To accept people as they are, to be non-judgmental, to be directed by compassion, and to know how to be impartial so that I am fair-minded with all people and do not project any of myself into my client’s history and am non-attached to the outcome.”

In comparison, while I’ve learned much about compassion, connecting, and being okay with being wrong, I’ve also learned how to use counseling to be effective, both personally and professionally… and I’ve learned to be more guarded due to the darker aspects of human nature.

Here’s my list of small wisdoms, or, what counseling has taught me (the first installment):

1. How to remain calm

Emotion regulation was difficult for me as an adolescent and young adult. My emotions ruled me – lorded over me, even! Then, as a counselor, I observed emotion disregulation in clients. I realized how truly counterproductive (and ridiculous-looking) it can be.

I made a choice to stop engaging in negativity, with both self and with others. Feeding into an argument solves nothing, but the effort leaves you emotionally and physically drained. Luckily, my personal transition from chaos to calm was painless. By the time I learned how to remain calm, I was in my mid-20s; the intensity of my emotions had already naturally subsided. Today, calmness is my natural state.

2. Comfortable silence

In grad school, I learned to use silence as a counseling technique. Instead of filling up every minute of a session with reflections, open-ended questions, and paraphrases, we were encouraged to use “comfortable silence.”

Silence allows the client time to process and/or collect their thoughts. To me, it always felt horribly awkward (remember, social anxiety!) and wrong. I wanted to rush on to the next topic or to ask a question or… anything.

I’m not sure when it finally stopped feeling awkward. I just knew that one day I was sitting in silence with a client and it felt natural. Today, I use silence in my professional and personal life all the time. It feels nice to sit quietly and not feel pressured to talk.

3. Active listening

Counseling taught me to really listen. I learned to quiet my internal dialogue to hear and comprehend what’s being said. Instead of thinking about how I’m going to respond, I give my full attention to the speaker. I’m aware of body language and other nonverbals. Counseling has strengthened my communication skills.

4. Partial truths

Counseling taught me that people don’t always say what they mean. They often tell partial truths. There are many reasons for this: Fear of being judged, not fully trusting the therapist, feeling embarrassed, etc.

For example, a client who isn’t ready to change their drinking probably wouldn’t tell me they drink three bottles of wine every night. Instead, they’d offer a partial truth. “I usually drink a glass of wine with dinner, but that’s it.”

Partial truths are not lies; they allow for a certain measure of comfort. (A lot of people feel uncomfortable with lying because they were taught it was wrong, or possibly because they view themselves as honest – and honest people don’t lie.) Partial truths, on the other hand, don’t feel wrong (or less wrong, at least). Plus, they’re safe. A person can be partially truthful and still protect their secrets.

When I realized how common partial truths are, I changed the way I listened to clients… and to everyone. Instead of taking things at face value, I listen to what is being said while recognizing that much more is not being said.

5. Hidden agendas

I also discovered that there are plenty of people out there who seek counseling with hidden agendas. For example, a man sees a therapist, stating he wants to learn anger management techniques. What he doesn’t reveal is that he’s abusive to his wife. He recently lost control in an argument and pushed her down the stairs. She gave him an ultimatum: Therapy or divorce. He doesn’t believe he needs counseling, but he’ll do it to save his marriage. And he doesn’t tell his therapist this (of course). Why would he? It’s none of her business.

Both partial truths and hidden agendas happen outside of therapy (and for similar reasons). Words paint a very limited piece of the entire picture. People often show only what they want others to see while keeping their true motives hidden.

Because of counseling, I have a better awareness and understanding of why hidden agendas (and partial truths) exist. It’s not cynicism, but a form of acceptance. I recognize that half truths and hidden agendas serve a purpose. While I may never understand their purpose, I’m okay with it.

This awareness fosters caution; I’ll never be caught off guard.

There’s more to tell, but for the sake of keeping this post to a reasonable length, I’ll save my remaining insights of things counseling taught me for the second installment of this post (in which I’ll discuss giving money to the homeless and demanding respect, among other “lessons” from counseling).

things counseling taught

Sleep Deprivation: What Dreams May… Cure?

What happens to your mind and body when you’re sleep-deprived? Poor-quality sleep is linked to a variety of health conditions, including obesity and heart disease. Poor sleep leads to cognitive impairment and poor judgment. A lack of sleep can even lead to schizophrenia-like symptoms! Learn why sleep is essential for health and well-being.

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According to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, about 10% of Americans struggle with chronic insomnia and up to 35% of Americans experience insomnia at least occasionally. I’m part of the 10%. I’ve spent countless nights tossing and turning, dreading the obnoxious sound of “quantum bells” (my cell phone alarm) as daylight slowly creeps in. Due to this, I’ve done quite a bit of research on the subject. (And as a clinician, it’s important for me to know the relationship between restful sleep and mental health so I can educate my clients.)

Sleep recharges us; it makes it possible for us to remember what we learned throughout the day.

We all know that basic sleep hygiene is essential (i.e. having a regular sleep schedule, refraining from watching TV or reading in bed, avoiding alcohol before bedtime, etc.) And if you struggle with insomnia, you’ve probably heard of sleep medications and supplements like Ambien, trazodone, or melatonin. We also know how vital sleep is to health and wellness. Sleep significantly impacts mood, energy levels, and overall well-being. Sleep recharges us; it makes it possible for us to remember what we learned throughout the day.

Knowing how crucial sleep is for both physical and mental fitness, I set out to explore what happens when we don’t get enough. What exactly does a lack of sleep do to a person? I sifted through the research to learn more about the impact of sleep deprivation. This post explores how sleep deprivation affects physical health, perceptions, memory, and critical thinking.

SLEEP AND YOUR PHYSICAL HEALTH

Sleep deprivation is associated with signs of aging

Sleep deprivation has been linked to aging skin. One study found that poor-quality sleepers had more fine lines, uneven pigmentation, and reduced elasticity.

It makes sense that chronic sleep deprivation is associated with signs of aging; sleep is needed for overall rejuvenation (mind and body), which includes skin cell renewal. For smooth and supple skin, high-quality sleep is essential.

Snoring and sleep deprivation are linked to obesity

A 2016 study looked at the relationship between sleep characteristics and body size/weight. Snoring was associated with having a higher BMI, a larger waist, and more body fat. (It should be noted that snoring doesn’t cause obesity; the two are simply related.)

Poor sleep quality and shorter durations of sleep were linked to larger body size and more body fat. The relationship between sleep and obesity is further explored in the next few paragraphs.

If you’re dieting, you’re more likely to lose body fat when you’re getting adequate sleep. Researchers studied participants who slept for either an average of seven and a half hours or five and a quarter hours per night over a 14-day period. Calorie consumption was the same; participants lost similar amounts of weight. However, when participants slept more, they lost more body fat; in fact, about half of the weight they lost was fat. Sleep-deprived participants lost only a pound of fat; the other five pounds were fat-free body mass. Furthermore, it was found that sleep helps with appetite control; this is due to ghrelin, a hormone that stimulates appetite and promotes fat storage. Sleep-deprived participants had higher levels of ghrelin.

If you’re watching what you eat, incorporate healthy sleep habits to maximize your efforts; adequate sleep is needed for optimal weight loss.

Sleep affects our food choices

Other studies have examined specific the ways sleep deprivation affects food choices and calorie intake. Sleep deprivation is associated with especially poor food choices the day following poor-quality or no sleep. One study found that sleep deprivation led to strong cravings for junk food. The researchers measured increased activity in the part of the brain that responds to rewards, but decreased activity in the “decision-making” part of the brain. Study participants choose unhealthy items (i.e. pizza, donuts) over fruits and vegetables.

Another study looked at total calorie intake; sleep-deprived participants consumed an extra 385 calories per day. They also ate higher-fat foods. Additionally, researchers found that a sleep-deprived person purchased items that were higher in calories when grocery shopping.

A 2016 study looked at the relationship between sleep deprivation and the consumption of high-calorie, sugar-sweetened caffeinated beverages in a sample of 18,000 adults. It was found that adults who averaged less than five hours of sleep per night were more likely to consume sugary drinks like soda or energy drinks than their well-rested counterparts. The researchers weren’t able to determine whether drinking caffeinated beverages caused people to sleep less or whether being sleep-deprived caused people to crave more sugar and caffeine; it’s likely that both are true.

Without high-quality sleep, it’s difficult to lose body fat.

Regarding obesity, sleep deprivation plays a significant role. A lack of sleep causes us to feel hungry. We crave junk foods and consume more calories. At the same time, sleep deprivation promotes fat storage while decreasing our energy levels. Without high-quality sleep, it’s difficult to lose body fat.

If you struggle with chronic insomnia, make an active decision to make healthy eating a habit; you’ll be less likely to submit to your cravings. Visit the grocery store only when you’re well-rested. Know that you may not feel like exercising; practice determination. Be mindful to counter some of the health risks associated with sleep deprivation.

In addition to obesity, sleep deprivation is associated with heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and stroke. A lack of sleep takes a toll on the heart. In a recent study, researchers looked at 24-hour shift workers. It was found that sleep deprivation led to a significant increase in cardiac contractility, blood pressure, and heart rate. Furthermore, study participants experienced thyroid changes and an increase in cortisol (the stress hormone).

Research also indicates that chronic sleep deprivation and disrupted sleep are linked to an increased risk of developing or dying from coronary heart disease or stroke. Diabetes and hypertension are associated with sleep deprivation as well.

A lack of sleep may impact women more than men. Researchers found that women who got less than eight hours of sleep per night were at a higher risk of heart disease and other heart-related problems when compared to men who got the same amount of sleep.

Have you ever noticed that you heal slowly or get sick more often when you’re sleep deprived? According to research, chronic sleep deprivation is associated with reduced immune function. If you’re not regularly getting at least six to seven hours of sleep, you’re more susceptible to illness. Your immune system won’t be as effective at eliminating viruses and bacterial infections.

Chronic sleep deprivation is associated with bone loss

Sleep even affects your bones. One study found that chronic sleep deprivation was associated with a loss of bone mass (in rats, at least). The rats underwent sleep restriction measures for three months. A lack of sleep led to significant decreases in bone density, volume, and thickness.

SLEEP AND YOUR BRAIN

Sleep deprivation is associated with increased pain sensitivity

The first part of this post examined sleep’s impact on physical health; the next half will explore how sleep affects the mind, including the way we sense and perceive the world around us. Research indicates that sleep deprivation and/or disruption increase sensitivity to pain. Interestingly, in one study, stimulants like caffeine had the ability to “normalize” the pain sensation (meaning it would feel the way it would with adequate sleep).

Sleep and chronic pain seem to be intricately connected, but the relationship is not fully understood; up to 88% of individuals with chronic pain report sleep issues and nearly 50% of individuals with insomnia have chronic pain..

A lack of sleep affects the way you hear and process sounds

In addition to the sensation of touch, sleep deprivation affects the perception of sound. A lack of sleep impairs central auditory processing (CAP). CAP is crucial for aspects of hearing such as language comprehension, identifying sounds, and recognizing patterns.

In one study, participants took a longer time identifying sounds after being deprived of sleep for 24 hours. It appeared there was a “transfer delay” (from hearing to identifying and then interpreting). To be effective, CAP requires alertness and concentration.

Sleep deprivation affects the formation of memories

We know that sleep deprivation causes cognitive impairment; the brain can only store so much information before it must recalibrate. During sleep, memories are encoded; the brain “consolidates” memories by strengthening them and transforming them from short-term into long-term memories. Without sleep, long-term memories can’t form. Short-term memories are lost and/or altered. Even procedural memories are impacted by sleep deprivation. A lack of sleep leads to forgetfulness and an inability to retain new information.

Sleep affects the way we interpret emotions

Sleep deprivation impairs your ability to interpret facial expressions. A recent study found that a lack of sleep made it difficult for participants to recognize the facial expressions of happiness or sadness. Interestingly, the ability to detect anger, fear, surprise and disgust was not affected. This suggests we’re biologically wired to recognize the emotions related to survival. The researchers hypothesized that the brain preserves functions that perceive life-threatening stimuli while sacrificing functions associated with empathy, bonding, and friendship.

“Real life” implications: If you’re majorly sleep-deprived, you could misinterpret the intentions of others, negatively impacting relationships with co-workers, family, friends, and others. Furthermore, you could read people wrong or miss important social cues; you might not respond appropriately or you could seem lacking in empathy.

When someone is sleep deprived, they’re slower to adopt another’s perspective

In addition to perception and memory formation, sleep deprivation impacts decision-making skills and thoughts, including the ability to accurately assess a situation.

If you have chronic insomnia, you might experience interpersonal problems.

In 2015, researchers hypothesized that sleep deprivation would impair the capacity to recognize sarcasm. Study results didn’t support the hypothesis, but the research generated an unexpected outcome. It was found that someone who was sleep-deprived was slower to adopt another person’s perspective. Implications? If you have chronic insomnia, you might experience interpersonal problems.

Sleep deprivation affects our moral judgment

Sleep deprivation affects moral judgment. In one study, participants were sleep deprived (awake for 53 continuous hours) and then faced with moral dilemmas. They had difficulty solving the dilemmas and making appropriate judgments. Other studies support this as well; a lack of sleep is related to decreased moral awareness. When you’re faced with a tough decision, especially one that involves ethics or morals, be sure to get adequate sleep. You can’t always trust your moral compass.

Sleep deprivation is linked to impaired decision making

Moral decisions are taxing if you’re sleep deprived… the opposite is true with risky ones. Sleep deprivation alters areas in the brain that assess positive and negative outcomes; sensitivity to rewards is enhanced while attention to negative consequences is diminished.

If you haven’t slept, tough decisions can wait.

Researchers found that when gambling, sleep-deprived individuals were more optimistic about their odds of winning. Another study found that sleep deprivation made it difficult for study participants to come to a quick decision when pressured. Sleep-deprived participants also made more mistakes. If you haven’t slept, tough decisions can wait.

A lack of sleep affects optimism

If you’re not getting enough sleep, you could lose your ability to remain positive-minded. Research indicates that individuals with insomnia have lower rates of self-esteem and optimism. In 2017, researchers found that sleep-deprived study participants were less likely to focus on positive stimuli. An inability to think positively is also a symptom of depression.

A lack of sleep can lead to schizophrenia-like symptoms

Sleep deprivation can lead to perceptual distortions, cognitive disorganization, and anhedonia (an inability to feel pleasure).In a 2014 study, participants experienced psychosis after staying awake for 24 hours. The sleep-deprived individuals reported attention deficits and being more sensitive to light, color, and brightness. They exhibited disorganized speech, which is a common symptom of schizophrenia. Participants also reported an altered sense of time and smell. Some of them actually believed they were able to read thoughts; others noticed an altered body perception. Implications? If you miss a night (or two) of sleep, don’t be surprised when you hear voices or when your reality is somewhat altered.

Conclusion

In conclusion, sleep deprivation, especially when it’s chronic, is detrimental to your health. Based on my review of the research, poor-quality sleep can adversely impact your skin, your weight, your cardiovascular system, your immune system, and your bones. (It should be noted that I barely skimmed the surface of an immense body of scientific data on sleep.)

Sleep is also related to brain health. Sleep deprivation impairs sensory perceptions, memory formation, the ability to assess your environment, moral awareness, critical thinking skills, and mood. Sleep deprivation can even induce psychosis.

If you’re like me (the one out of 10 Americans with chronic insomnia), in addition to practicing good sleep hygiene, go ahead and Google “CBT for sleep.” Research suggests that for some, CBT is more effective and longer-lasting than sleep medication. Do a little bit of research. CBT is not a quick fix for insomnia, but it’s worth a try; and your health and wellness are definitely worth it!

sleep deprivation
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19 Unique Ways to Be More Charitable

(Updated 6/22/18) Ideas for charity contributions that are easy, cheap (or free!), and fun. An awesome list for people who may not have a lot of money or time, but still want to give back.

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To build self-esteem, one must do “esteemable” acts.

Charitable acts help to build self-esteem; it feels good to help others. As a substance abuse counselor, I worked with adults who were worn down or broken from their battle with addiction; an individual with a substance use disorder often feels tremendous guilt and shame.

One of the best things a person can do to build self-esteem or live a more meaningful life is to help others…

I taught my clients to cherish themselves, to forgive, and to find a purpose in life. One of the best things a person can do to build self-esteem or live a more meaningful life is to help others; random acts of kindness, volunteering at a homeless shelter, reading to children at a library, donating toiletries or blankets to someone who has lost their home in a fire… There are countless ways to help. Research indicates that practicing compassion and volunteering build self-esteem.

Unfortunately, not everyone has the time to volunteer (or the resources to donate). The purpose of this list is to provide ideas for charity contributions that are easy, cheap, and fun. I created this list for people who may not have a lot of money or time. I found some awesome ways to give back that aren’t time-consuming; many of the ideas require minimum effort and/or are 100% free. Build them into your life and feel happy about helping those in need!

Image by Alexas_Fotos from Pixabay

UNIQUE AND FUN WAYS TO BE MORE CHARITABLE

1. Purchase Who Gives A Crap toilet paper. 

Products are environmentally friendly and 50% of profits go to help build toilets and improve sanitation in the developing world.

Image by lyperzyt from Pixabay

2. Donate your wedding dress to a charitable cause.

Here are a few of my favorites:

Wish Upon A Wedding: A nonprofit organization that grants weddings and vow renewals for couples facing serious illness or a life-altering circumstance.

Adorned in Grace: All proceeds are used to promote awareness and prevention of sex trafficking as well as crisis prevention for trafficked victims.

Cherie Amour: Proceeds from dress sales help low income individuals get jobs.

Fairytale Brides: Net proceeds from all sales are donated to charitable organizations supporting women’s empowerment programs.

3. Save a life by joining a marrow registry such as Be The Match or Gift of Life. 

Your donation may save the life of a person with a blood cancer like leukemia and lymphoma. You must be in good health and you must be prepared to spend 20-30 (non-consecutive) hours of your time if you are chosen. Not everyone is chosen; according to Be The Match, about 1 in 430 members goes on to donate marrow or peripheral blood stem cells. If you join Gift of Life, you have a 1 in 250 chance of being a match, but then only a 20% chance of donating.

You can also donate blood at a blood drive. O-negative is the universal donor type because it is compatible with any blood type, but only about 5% of the U.S. population have this blood type. There’s a great need for O-negative donations (Source: https://www.redcrossblood.org/learn-about-blood/blood-types.html)

4. With Kiva, lend as little as $25 to help a borrower start or grow a business, go to school, access clean energy or realize their potential. 

100% of every dollar goes to a loan. You can browse through different categories and attributes. According to Kiva, 97% of loans are repaid, but there’s no guarantee. You can read the borrower’s story before you submit your loan. (I loaned $25 to a woman in El Salvador to help her buy a sewing machine. Update: I received full repayment within three months.)

Image by Willfried Wende from Pixabay

5. Help the homeless.

Keep a pack of bottled water in your car. Alternatively, you can provide someone in need with a small bag filled with toiletry items, socks, tissues, granola bars, etc. (Take the extra shampoo, lotions, and soap when you’re at a hotel and put them to use!) If the weather is cold, buy gloves or hats from the dollar store to hand out. Give $5 gift cards for Burger King or Taco Bell. Personally, I choose to not give cash. (Many of the “homeless” individuals you see are panhandlers.) However, if I’m in an area with a large homeless population, I buy a pack of cigarettes; when someone asks for change, I offer a cigarette instead. Lastly, because of the work I do, I have business-sized cards with a crisis line, a phone number for local resources (including shelters), and a number for a substance use program, which I pass out if needed.

6. Host a closet swap party!

Exy Castellanos, a social worker from Chattanooga, Tennessee, provided this idea. “My friends and I have a closet swap party. We swap clothes and stuff and whatever is left over we donate to a local thrift store (not Goodwill).”

7. Volunteer with Idealist.

It’s free to sign up, to search for opportunities, and to connect with others. Idealist is a global network of people and organizations that connects individuals with advantages to work, volunteer, or intern. To give you a better idea, here are examples of some volunteer opportunities: Reading partner at an under-resourced elementary school, judging a local competition, playing with homeless children one night a week, coaching a sports team, volunteer zoo guide, volunteering at a museum, cleaning up a national park, and interpreter.

8. Run (or walk/march/bike) for charity!

Pick a cause and raise funds.

9. An Internet search led me to Helping Hands: Monkey Helpers for the Disabled, which helps adults with spinal cord injuries and other mobility impairments in the U.S. to live more independent and engaged lives. 

This is accomplished by providing the individuals with unique service animals (at no cost): Highly trained service monkeys to help with daily tasks.

10. Janelle Bennett from Michigan suggested Charity: Water, a great organization bringing people clean water. 

100% of donations go to actually helping people. You can start a fun campaign to raise funds; one guy actually rented his face and let a stranger shave his beard on the street to raise money.

11. Every time you buy concert tickets, donate to charity.

At one point in my life, I decided that if I could afford concert tickets, I could afford a small donation ($25) for a good cause. (And it doesn’t have to be concert tickets; it can be anything you want! Buying a piece of jewelry, purchasing an electronic device, dinning out, etc.)

EFFORTLESS WAYS TO BE MORE CHARITABLE

12. Instead wedding favors, make a CHARITABLE donation TO YOUR FAVORITE CAUSE for each guest. 

At my wedding, my husband and I picked a lung cancer nonprofit to honor his father, who passed away from lung cancer. You can buy cards on Etsy or, just make them yourself with pearl cardstock paper!


13. Tabs for a Cause is a free browser extension.

Every time you open a new tab, a donation is made to your favorite charity.

14. Lyft has a “round up and donate” setting; opt in, and your fare will round up automatically with each ride. 

There are a variety of causes to choose from.

15. “Click to give” at GreaterGood. 

It’s completely free. You can click once per day, and there are multiple causes to choose. I first discovered GreaterGood through The Animal Rescue Site; a single click helps to provide food and shelter to animals in need. (You can also do some shopping and a percentage of the item’s retail price is donated to a cause. I bought a beautiful handbag with a jungle print!)

16. Shop at AmazonSmile at no extra cost, and Amazon will donate a portion of the purchase price to your favorite charitable organization.

You can choose from nearly 1 million charities, including local charities.

17. If you use Swagbucks, you can donate your Swagbucks to various charitable causes instead of redeeming for a gift card or cash. 

Similarly, some airlines will allow you to donate your miles to a cause.

18. If you’re a runner, download the Charity Miles app to earn money for charity for the miles you run. 

You can also earn money for walking and biking.

19. Play free vocabulary games at Free Rice and for each correct answer, 10 grains of rice are donated to World Food Programme to help end hunger.

Free Rice has two goals: To provide free education and to end world hunger

Additional Charitable Ideas: 

Wands for Wildlife: Donate old mascara wands! They’re used to gently remove fly eggs and larva from the fur of wild animals. (Wash in soap and warm water before mailing.)

Coin Up: Download the app to round up on credit or debit card transactions. Your “spare change” is then donated to the charity of your choice each month.

CoinStar Coins That Count: Take your change to a CoinStar kiosk to donate to a charity of your choice. A printed receipt will be provided.

Rake a neighbor’s yard or shovel their driveway. 

Pay for a stranger’s coffee, dinner, grocery item, etc. 


Before making a donation, you can check a charity’s credibility (including a financial breakdown of funds) at the BBB Wise Giving Alliance. Alternatively, you can use Charity Watch, which grades charities and includes “red flag” information. The site also provides a list of the top charities. Also, Charity Navigator, which includes guides and tips for donating items, volunteering, informed giving, and more.


What are some creative and unique ways to donate to charity? Leave an answer in the “Comments” section!

Updated June 22, 2018


Karche, M. (2009). Increases in academic connectedness and self-esteem among high school students who serve as cross-age peer mentors. Professional School Counseling, 12(4), 292-299.

Mongrain, M., Chin, J., &, Shapira, L. (2011). Practicing compassion increases happiness and self-esteem. Journal of Happiness Studies, 12(963).

von Bonsdorff, M.B. &, Rantanen, T. (2011). Benefits of formal voluntary work among older people: A review. Aging Clinical and Experimental Research, 23(162).

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